"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

angryanya posted 10/14/2013 13:03 PM

So I am 3 months past Dday and the wine-fuel rages have subsided, I have started eating food and resumed actively caring for my kids. In July, I discovered that my WH of 13 years had a one-night stand while on a golf trip, decided to wreak further havoc by seeking out this woman online and beginning an emotional affair. Then, to ice the cake, he arranged a trip to her hometown under the auspices of a business trip, to resume the physical intimacy. Overall, the A was 6 months long - while I obliviously fed, changed and generally kept alive a newborn and two-year old during this time.

I am still with WH and we are in MC. He has taken steps to address serious depression and substance abuse issues that contributed to the A and seems to be a changed man, for what that is worth. I think R may be possible, but I am certainly reserving the right to divorce until the dust settles. I am back to work and a sense of normalcy has returned.

However, as we approach the Cheataversary and the beginning of the worst thing that has ever been done to me, I find myself consumed with thoughts of 'last year at this time, WH was having unprotected sex with a woman 10 yrs his senior that he met in a bar, while her friend slept in the bed next to them." Or, "Halloween last year, while I dressed up my very resistant daughter to try to get a couple pictures, he was 4 days into this enormous betrayal". I feel like the next 6 months are going to be torturous. And that it will be like this for the rest of my life.

Am I just torturing myself and feeding the obsession? Does anyone on here have advice for how to navigate holidays etc during this time? I feel like it will be 6 months of triggers and I will lose my mind. TIA

silentheart posted 10/14/2013 13:11 PM

I know your pain and I'm very sorry. What you are feeling is normal. DD for me was July 2012 and this past year has had alot of ups and downs with my BF not really getting what his cheating did to me. He sluffed it off, said things like "are we really bringing this up again". He just wanted it to go away but that was to relieve his own guilt or bc of his selfishness. I just recently started IC b/c my health started to be affected about 8 weeks ago. I had been suffering in silence since DD with nooone to really talk to and the triggers have been horrible for this past year. My BF has just recently understood what all of this did to me - I think my health issue scared him. Now he is wanting to help me heal and listens to me when I need to talk about something that triggered me. Some days I think there is no way I can live with these triggers but learned by reading, posting on this site that they are normal. You and your husband have to create a new history. I hope you find comfort, advice, wisdom, etc. in reading through the posts and healing library.

Best to you...

standinghere posted 10/14/2013 17:10 PM

Am I just torturing myself and feeding the obsession? Does anyone on here have advice for how to navigate holidays etc during this time? I feel like it will be 6 months of triggers and I will lose my mind.

I think this is normal, I know it was for me. It is very, very, very hard. There are multiple ways to approach this, one is to go to a support group and talk about your feelings, this is a good place for that. The other is to talk with the partner who betrayed you about this.

There is one train of thought about this that obsessing about the affair, and the details, is part of the healing process, and that dealing with these things repeatedly, going over and over and over them in your mind and with your IC or MC or partner or support group actually helps desensitize you to them over time. However, it can become unhealthy. Only a good IC can help you decide if you are on the right path.

FWIW, my wife is the one who has the most trouble with these periods, she struggles with holidays, birthdays, anniversary days, etc, and she
CANNOT talk about the affair. She just goes down the rabbit hole of despair when it comes up, wants to kill herself. Years of IC and MC, medications for depression and PTSD, and she cannot do this, 12 year after the affair.

So we don't talk, bringing it up is traumatic to her and I had to accept that we simply cannot talk about it. I come here to read, and hearing others stories helps me to a degree. Which brings me to the donation issue, I'd donate to the site, but my wife would see it on the CC and she'd just go into a spiral of despair. We barely make it through the months as it is around the antiversaries of the affair.

angryanya posted 10/14/2013 21:43 PM

Thanks for the response. silentheart - I am glad your BF finally appreciates the trauma he has caused, though I am sorry that it took a health crisis to do so.

You and your husband have to create a new history

I think this is very interesting - I hope one day we can, but at the moment, I feel so stuck.

standinghere - thanks for acknowledging the challenges - it looks like this will be something to be dealt with for many years to come. I had not really thought about the obsessing as a means to healing. It is interesting to me that it is your wife who suffers so. My husband has also admitted to suicidal ideation, as a result of the affair, but also for many years. I recently reflected on how I would have felt if he had dealt with his mental health issues by choosing suicide rather than an affair.