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My boyfriend is looking for others

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Lucyy posted 10/14/2013 13:37 PM

I am not sure if I can make a long story short.

My boyfriend has engaged in same sex relationships, mainly one night stands in the past.

He likes to dress in women's clothes and go out and meet up with men who are also dressed in drag. (All in the past.. so far..)

I have no problem with him dressing in drag, if I am included. However, I am not interested in bringing others in to our relationship.

I have come across emails from craiglist inquiring about "hookups". He has even made his own post looking for people do hook ups with. He has NOT told me anything about this.

I am loving him to much. I have never loved like this before. I thought this was the perfect relationship after being in a very terrible marriage for years. Now I find out this.

It hurts to know that he is trying to gain attention from others... when I give all of my attention to him.

It worries me he will find someone to hook up with and jeopardize my health. I have no trust in him now.

All this is making me so sick but I feel I need to hold on tighter to him.

What do I do?

tushnurse posted 10/14/2013 13:49 PM

First you have to accept this isn't about you. Nothing you have done, or do has caused this.

He is broken, and he needs to address this. You cannot control what he does or doesn't do, but you can control how you let it effect you. Meaning although it hurts like hell, he needs to be confronted, and you need to tell him it ends now, or you leave. You are correct that he is endagering his health and wellbeing, and in turn yours.

Read in the healing library, and focus on yourself. Decide what you will be willing to tolerate, and what you won't.

Rella posted 10/14/2013 14:09 PM


I don't see any resolution to this beyond years and years of therapy and treatment. And even that may not change a thing. I'm sorry you are feeling so drawn to him, but he will never be able to provide you with a traditional monogamous loving relationship. Since he is already hiding these needs/behaviors from you, I would recommend you cut the ties sooner rather than later. Your life together would be riddled with suspicion, secrets, and possible disease should your relationship continue.


Lucyy posted 10/14/2013 14:17 PM

Here is the thing, I have no problem engaging into these activities for him.

Lucyy posted 10/14/2013 14:28 PM

Why is he "hiding" this from me? How can I get him to stop? Why am I missing?

I want him to include me in everything.

Is it possible to love to much?

Skan posted 10/14/2013 15:45 PM

Of course, it's possible to love too much. When you excuse all, because you love them, you love too much. When your partner doesn't take you into account, or worse discounts you because he knows that you will never leave because you love him, you love too much. When love is one-sided or so lop-sided that its unhealthy for you, you love too much. When you lose yourself in him and YOU become lost, you love too much. When you can't draw healthy boundaries and enforce them, you love too much.

When you love someone else too much, you actually are not loving yourself at all. Love is not enough. If it were, this site would only have about 50 members. Actions are more important than "love," and speak far louder than the words I Love You. (((hugs)))

anewday78 posted 10/14/2013 15:54 PM

Perhaps this comes down to a lack of communication:

I want him to include me in everything.
Have you confronted him with this? Have you told him that you're ok with it, you just want to be an active part with no secrecy? I'd imagine there's a certain level of shame attached to this - whether from up-bringing or just society's view on it. You should open up a dialog with him and let him know that you do not judge him or think his desire to dress up is "weird" or a turn-off. Tell him that in order for you to be able to fully support his experimentation, you need for him to be honest and transparent with you - you're in this relationship too and you need to feel comfortable and in control of what happens to you. He doesn't have to treat this like a dirty secret with you and you'd actually like to be a part of it so you can remain comfortable and in control of your part in this relationship.

Lucyy posted 10/14/2013 16:02 PM

He has dressed in front of me before and I've told him I am perfectly fine with it. I encourage it but tread lightly on it because it is so personal and not just something I can bring up at anytime.

I've also expressed my concern . For my safety and consent to only a one on relationship .

I don't know if he's feeling a reservation on my part because I was pretty close minded to the outside world until he came along.

I want his attention 100%

He treats me SO good, better then anyone has ever in my whole life. This Is why this so tough.

I can't walk away I love him far to much

Lucyy posted 10/14/2013 16:06 PM

Skan that's pretty amazingly written. Thank you.

I'm so confused. I've never lived myself until this past year, never lived or loved like I have during the past year.

I'm just sitting in my car listening to music and almost wanting to cry in our driveway.

Lucyy posted 10/14/2013 16:09 PM

Tush nurse. I know he's broken. I want to help him.

silentheart posted 10/14/2013 16:11 PM

Lucy - so sorry for what you are going through. I only found this site one week ago and already it has been helpful to me. Just keep reading posts and posting/venting/asking questions. I don't have much to add that will help you but wanted to acknowledge your post and say how sorry I am for what you are going through. I have also asked myself "is it possible to love too much" and I too think
Scan said it perfectly - it is exactly like that for me.

k9lover1 posted 10/14/2013 16:12 PM

I think you need support and maybe some individual counseling of your own. This does not sound like a healthy relationship. For you to love someone so deeply that is willing to hurt you is not right.

standinghere posted 10/14/2013 16:27 PM

I hope this doesn't come across as harsh, but you cannot change what is going on with your boyfriend. The only thing you can change is you.

He treats me SO good, better then anyone has ever in my whole life. This Is why this so tough.

He is NOT treating you good. He is endangering you. The fact that you have not been treated well in the past has set you up to accept this to a degree. If you had not been treated so badly, you'd be done by now. You need to seek out IC for yourself, before you will be able to realize this.

I can't walk away I love him far to much

This is codependency, love that damages you, need for attention from someone that damages you, and you can't walk away from it. This is a situation that almost always arises from being neglected, abused, or traumatized as you grow up. You grow up, find someone who treats you badly, then try to change them. Unhealthy relationships are the norm.

I know he's broken. I want to help him.

That is the problem, not his brokenness. Look inward. You cannot fix him, and trying to do so will destroy you.

Lucyy posted 10/14/2013 16:28 PM

Silent heart

The initial findings hurt I didn't eat for 3 days and cried my eyes out .

But then I calm down and I'm good probably to naive.

Then it's moments like this where he walks up to me and hugs me and tells me he loves me. I know he does. But I hurt bad.

Lucyy posted 10/14/2013 16:34 PM

I am co dependent on him. I left a very unhealthy relationship of many years to be with him. I had checked out years ago before him.

I can't self sustain. I between a rock and a hard place.

confused615 posted 10/14/2013 16:37 PM

Does he consider himself bisexual?

The chances of him not meeting up with any of these men is pretty slim. Men on these types of sites are there to hook up..and do.

My WH cheated on me. With a man. I,too,am very open minded. But I refuse to share my husband. And I refuse to put myself in a dangerous situation..STD's are quite high among men who engage in this type of behavior.

Please get tested for STD's. Cheaters lie. A LOT. Don't trust the word of a liar with your health.

ETA: As long as he knows you won't put your foot down and draw some boundaries,he won't stop. He has no reason to.

[This message edited by confused615 at 4:38 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

AlexFL posted 10/14/2013 16:55 PM

He is either embarrassed or just doesn't want you involved with that aspect of his life. U can accept it or move on. I talk tough but I am trying to figure out my own relationship. I have a bf that cheats on me and can't tell me why. I've put my foot down but still feel very much in love with him. I'm trying to love myself more. It's a battle.

Lucyy posted 10/14/2013 17:03 PM

Confused. On the websites he calls himself bisexual. Of course he is. I've seen video of him having sex with a man and he's had multiple partners that are women.

I refuse to share. It's not fair to me. I do know that.

He hasn't meet up with anyone since me that I know of I guess., he's home with me every night. Doesn't go out alone, as I don't allow this because I have no trust n him after I found messages between him and another women where he was living this fantasy through text.

How can I stop this?

Lucyy posted 10/14/2013 17:06 PM

Alex I've accepted it. His best friend has told him that she knows I love him more then anyone because I gave accepted more then ever

confused615 posted 10/14/2013 17:17 PM

Please don't make the mistake of thinking he hasn't met up with anyone simply because he is home with you every night. They find the time.

Mine was home with me every night. NONE of his time was unaccounted for. He was looking for a 5-10 minute BJ after work. As I said,he hooked up once. That night he was 15 minutes late getting home from work. He said he ran into some traffic. And I believed was ONLY 15 know?

Get tested. Please....Being bisexual is not a license to cheat. Fidelity is a choice. My WH chooses to be faithful to me. Being bi doesn't mean he has to..or gets to..fuck around. Im straight. Im attracted to men. I CHOOSE to be faithful...bisexuals don't get a free pass any more than a straight person.

What is he doing to reassure you that he will not cheat? What steps is he taking to be a safe partner for you?

YOU can't stop this. He has to want to stop. he has to want to be faithful. And he has to do the hard work on himself to become a safe person for you.

[This message edited by confused615 at 5:19 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

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