SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

tryingagain12 posted 10/14/2013 13:45 PM

Hi - I don't know if this forum is the right place for me actually, because I haven't discovered infidelity. I have just been having a bad feeling and found this forum a while ago, while looking for answers. It has taken me a lot to finally post something. I'm guessing (hoping) this is nothing and you guys will think I am paranoid for posting here.

I've been w my husband for 15 years. No kids. We met in college and didn't date that many people before we got together. He is my best friend and I know I am his, but his sex drive fell off years ago - maybe 3 years in. He has always told me that this is 'normal' for a long term monogamous relationship and he hasn't been open to trying to spice it up or anything. When we do have sex it's still great, but it is so infrequent and I have to initiate most of the time (and man it sucks to be rejected as much as I have been).

A long time ago, maybe 10 years ago, I found a lot of porn on his computer. I am not anti-porn, but it bothered me that he was watching it every morning as soon as I left for work, while at the same time rebuffing me constantly for sex. I confronted him about it way back then, and he said porn was different and easier for him because it didn't require the emotional connection that sex did, and was therefore easier for him. He put a password on his computer after that and we've never really talked about it again.

Anyway, because he thinks this low-sex-drive in marriage is normal, he hasn't been open to seeing if he has low T, or to counseling or sex therapy or anything. I have always assumed he is still using the porn frequently and I've tried to just up my own porn consumption, but this is just not enough for me.

So...then 4 years ago we both got something called Moluscum Contagiosum, which is basically a harmless and very common kind of wart. He is the one who noticed it first - I mean it's really hard to even see these warts when you have them - and he told me about it. He said he had had these checked out, and I should see if I have them too, and that he had done a lot of research and you can get these anywhere and he most likely contracted them at the gym, in the hot tub. But then he asked me if I had ever cheated on him. I felt bad that he would even think that and assured him I never would.

Then - this past year I had to travel a lot for work. I didn't get to see him a lot. And he got worse about getting back to me, answering calls and texts, etc. No biggie - I get that the distance was hard, and that was my fault because I was the one traveling, but then when I got home - for good this time - he was acting weird. Almost like he resented me being here.

Things were very distant for the first week, and then a week ago he said he wanted to talk to me. He started talking about how he feels like we are living separate lives etc. He loves me and is my best friend, but he feels like a 'single guy' lately. I told him I felt sort of the same way, and felt like we haven't been close in a while. Then he started talking about how we got together so young and he resents that he never got to "play the field." I was crying and offered that maybe we should see a therapist together, and that I might be open to some sort of open relationship if that's what he really wanted. He flat rejected that - said he couldn't imagine me with another guy. And then he asked me if I had ever cheated on him.

I want to believe that this is because he is feeling like I am - just distant and sad and worried after the long distance - but the fact that he won't agree to see a marriage counselor after initiating this conversation about how we are distant etc bothers me.

And for the first time I am wondering if HE has had an affair...because of his preoccupation with asking me about it.

What do you think? I feel paranoid now. I think am just looking for reassurance.

I am sorry if this is in the wrong place, since I have not discovered infidelity. If I need to delete it, just let me know.

Stronger4it posted 10/14/2013 14:01 PM

Hopefully you are paranoid. Luckily you have found this place before you need to add a DD to your signature. You will get a lot of good advice here; how to discover, how to heal and what to expect.

This is a virtual hug! (((tryingagain12)))
Plenty more from where this came from.

There are some red flags in your post. Or at least some things that remind me of my situation for the past 3 years or so. The resentment especially. Not pretty. Locking up his computer. Not cool. Check his phone if you can.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

peace.

tryingagain12 posted 10/14/2013 14:11 PM

Thank you stronger! I am going to read up on the acronyms a bit, but I know what DD is and I too hope that won't be happening.

I can't get access to his phone. He locks it, and his ipad, just like his computer.

tushnurse posted 10/14/2013 14:13 PM

Welcome, and I think you have some valid concerns.

He at a minimum has some intamacy/Sexual Addiction issues. The fact that he chooses his hand over you is not normal.

As you will soon see there a ton of great people on this site, that will offer support, and insight.

Up to the left side of your screen you will see a tab that says library, please go look around in there. You will find a wealth of information that may help you make some sense out of the confusion.

I do see some red flags here. His asking you if you cheated, the warts, the option to have sex with himself, the I love you but not in love with you conversation, refusing MC. All of that screams somethings up to me. What does you gut tell you, not your brain, not your heart, but your gut.

Did he say he wants to D? Does he blame you for traveling? (you were blaming yourself is why I ask). It is not your fault that you out earning a living, if he chooses to cheat. It is not your fault if he doesn't feel close to you, you are trying to make it work, but he has shown that he pulls away.

If he is cheating what do you want? I he isn't what do you want? I would say try to get some evidence, and this may mean hacking into his computer, or phone, and you should have access to that stuff all the time anyway. In the meantime go see a lawyer, and get a feel for how things will play out should it come to a D.
There are very few Fault states meaning they could care less if he had an A when it comes to dissolution of a marriage. If however you do live in a fault state, then you bet your sweet hiney you want proof.

Keep posting, keep asking questions, and try to make sure you are eating, sleeping, and staying hydrated, if you are having trouble with that stuff call your Dr, and ask for a little pharmaceutical assistance, because this shit does rock a person to their core.

(((and strength))))

tryingagain12 posted 10/14/2013 14:29 PM

Thanks tushnurse. I'm going to check out the library today. I have been doing a lot of reading, and think I have a lot more to do.

he didn't bring up the word Divorce, but everything about the conversation felt like he was feeling me out, to see if I would be ok with him dropping that bomb on me. My "gut" is telling me he was hoping I had something to confess so that he could confess something to me.

Or that he was hoping I wouldn't react the way I did (trying to fight for the marriage by suggesting counseling, hell even by offering to consider an open marriage). My "gut" tells me something weird is going on and he wants to get out without hurting me and is hoping it can be a mutual decision or something.

Ugh.

He does blame me a bit for traveling. Not at first - he was very supportive and understanding. But recently he has made comments about it, and how it has "made" him feel single. I get that, I do. But it has not made him cheat (if that is what happened).

I honestly don't know what I would want yet (if an affair did happen). I don't think I have let myself consider that a reality yet? I need to think about this more.

Thanks for your helpful response. It feels nice to talk to someone about this, even if it's a stranger online.

Scubachick posted 10/14/2013 14:43 PM

My son caught Moluscum Contagiosum on his belly in preschool years ago.

I would be concerned with why he locks his phone and lap top all the time. I think you have every right to be concerned. Do you have access to his cell bill?

tryingagain12 posted 10/14/2013 14:50 PM

I don't. We have separate cell plans and separate bills. Same thing with our credit cards and banking.

I am realizing how uncommon that is? We have always kept everything separate like that and he's always been a person who values his privacy. I never really thought that was a problem, until recently I guess. :/

confused615 posted 10/14/2013 14:56 PM

Privacy is one thing..what he wants is secrecy.

That he turns you down for sex,but watched porn every day..and when you asked him about it,he password protected his computer? Red flag. He has intimacy issues.

If you can,get access to his computer and put a keylogger on it.

heartache101 posted 10/14/2013 15:02 PM

Marriage is together together phone bills credit cards or atleast open access all the time. He needs to be willing to hand his cell and computer to you and you to him. no secrets.

cantgetup posted 10/14/2013 19:30 PM

You are not at all paranoid. You have a lot to be concerned about. I would turn the tables and ask him: is there something going on I need to know about? While at the same time knowing that no matter how he answers you will be investigating. My H had only a work phone (dumb phone) no computer and no internet access and I figured things out within 3 weeks of my first gut twinge.

Ostrich80 posted 10/14/2013 20:07 PM

I thought I was paranoid and had some of the same conversations and situations with my ws.
#1 rejecting sex. Yep, and its not normal
#2 said we didnt seem like we had a marriage and were living separate lives.
#3 used to call or text me all day, came to a screeching halt.
#4 PORN...I found this one by accident. He can look at naked women all day but is,not interested in
sex.
#5 lack of intimacy. If we did have sex, no foreplay, no kissing, barely looked at me.
#6 locking computer. My ws uses only his phone but its never out of his,site and no ones allowed to.touch it.
I don't think your paranoid and of course all of these could have legitimate reasons behind them, which.is why we question our gut feelings. My ws was cheating.
Do you have access to the phone bill. That's how I caught my ws. You can set it up online and see who he's texting and calling.
Credit cards? He travels so see how much he spends on dinner, gifts, and anything that looks suspicious.
I hope I'm wrong but you need to investigate if your worried about it.
Welcome to SI

k8la posted 10/14/2013 20:28 PM

I would use one marriage counseling session so that you have a 3rd party.

I would record the session, for protection, with a digital recorder in my suit pocket.

I would then tell her that you're most interested in getting your husband help first, because he's
1. Cheated
2. Accused you of vile things
3. Freaked out while you're doing your job.
4. Freaked to the point of vomiting.
Conclusion Point: something is obviously going on in your husband's mind that has him in such a state to be so unstable, and you want to help, but you're not a professional.

Then sit back and watch it play out, and take notes.

If it's serious, the marriage counselor will get him into therapy, and possibly to a psychiatrist.

If he goes all minimal - it wasn't like that at all, he never accused you of lusting after his son, or cheating on him, and he never threw up, then he can explain the last week from his POV. But if he does this, go directly to your parents for legal help.

LeopoldB posted 10/14/2013 22:14 PM

^^^ Oops... somebody changed the channel.

tryingagain12,

I cannot understand how a man can clearly experience a physical symptom and not see a doctor for an extensive blood work-up. It may be low-T. It could be prostate cancer. It could be nothing - - but why would a reasonable person not want to know for sure?

My doctor runs blood tests every year as part of my annual exam. I am borderline low-T. It seems to be staying steady, so he is just monitoring it. Every year he checks for STDs, rain or shine. The chance that I have contracted tuberculosis is incredibly small, but he won't let me skip even one of those damn tests. I am not entirely thrilled about it because the cost is high and my insurance does not cover it all. But it's good to know and he can pick up even small changes from year to year that might otherwise go undetected.

So I guess my advice would be to get him in for a thorough medical exam so at least you can cross the easy stuff off the list. You might just save his life or your marriage. And if it later turns out that he is cheating, you can remind him that he let a guy feel his balls and stick a finger up his ass. So it's a win-win.

devasted30 posted 10/15/2013 06:36 AM

Sorry, but going by my experience...yep, he is cheating. Same thing happened to my WS and I....stopped having sex, best friends. He started going to poker games (haha,pok her, get it) etc. He was always interested in BDSM and decided to "give it a try" but not with me. No no, that wouldn't have worked - not a fantasy then????!!!!
I'm afraid that you are in for a world of hurt. But, you are being proactive - not an innocent like me. Honestly, I didn't have a friggin clue. And I got mysterious phone calls in the middle of the night and an letter in the mail as well....didn't believe it because I KNEW without a doubt my husband would NEVER cheat on me. Huh,,,,he did for 6 years.

curiouswiz posted 10/15/2013 08:51 AM

Your discomfort when you returned home from travel rang a very loud bell in my head. I'm so sorry but I too think something is up.

After being away for a week dealing with a mess stepson created I returned to NH and as soon as I kissed him it felt wrong! I even went in for another to double check! It just was wrong! When I did that he crooked his head like a puppy wondering how I knew probably. But sitting at the table a few minutes later I said to him "Why do I feel uncomfortable sitting in my chair?" He didn't understand the question. I couldn't really explain it either so he said I'm crazy.

My gut was screaming at me. I ignored it. For weeks. It crumbled so very slowly because I kept ignoring my gut. Please listen to what your's is telling you and go into super secret stealth mode. Right now. Keep your thoughts and goals to yourself. If you find nothing, great. But, you need to follow your instincts.

I'm so sorry you're here. We all hate to love this wonderful forum and we all love one another with grace and charm unlike anything I've ever seen in my 60 years. Keep coming back. Keep reading. Keep posting. Even if it's nothing this forum is full of information and even has a fun and games section! God bless honey.