Hi - I don't know if this forum is the right place for me actually, because I haven't discovered infidelity. I have just been having a bad feeling and found this forum a while ago, while looking for answers. It has taken me a lot to finally post something. I'm guessing (hoping) this is nothing and you guys will think I am paranoid for posting here.
I've been w my husband for 15 years. No kids. We met in college and didn't date that many people before we got together. He is my best friend and I know I am his, but his sex drive fell off years ago - maybe 3 years in. He has always told me that this is 'normal' for a long term monogamous relationship and he hasn't been open to trying to spice it up or anything. When we do have sex it's still great, but it is so infrequent and I have to initiate most of the time (and man it sucks to be rejected as much as I have been).
A long time ago, maybe 10 years ago, I found a lot of porn on his computer. I am not anti-porn, but it bothered me that he was watching it every morning as soon as I left for work, while at the same time rebuffing me constantly for sex. I confronted him about it way back then, and he said porn was different and easier for him because it didn't require the emotional connection that sex did, and was therefore easier for him. He put a password on his computer after that and we've never really talked about it again.
Anyway, because he thinks this low-sex-drive in marriage is normal, he hasn't been open to seeing if he has low T, or to counseling or sex therapy or anything. I have always assumed he is still using the porn frequently and I've tried to just up my own porn consumption, but this is just not enough for me.
So...then 4 years ago we both got something called Moluscum Contagiosum, which is basically a harmless and very common kind of wart. He is the one who noticed it first - I mean it's really hard to even see these warts when you have them - and he told me about it. He said he had had these checked out, and I should see if I have them too, and that he had done a lot of research and you can get these anywhere and he most likely contracted them at the gym, in the hot tub. But then he asked me if I had ever cheated on him. I felt bad that he would even think that and assured him I never would.
Then - this past year I had to travel a lot for work. I didn't get to see him a lot. And he got worse about getting back to me, answering calls and texts, etc. No biggie - I get that the distance was hard, and that was my fault because I was the one traveling, but then when I got home - for good this time - he was acting weird. Almost like he resented me being here.
Things were very distant for the first week, and then a week ago he said he wanted to talk to me. He started talking about how he feels like we are living separate lives etc. He loves me and is my best friend, but he feels like a 'single guy' lately. I told him I felt sort of the same way, and felt like we haven't been close in a while. Then he started talking about how we got together so young and he resents that he never got to "play the field." I was crying and offered that maybe we should see a therapist together, and that I might be open to some sort of open relationship if that's what he really wanted. He flat rejected that - said he couldn't imagine me with another guy. And then he asked me if I had ever cheated on him.
I want to believe that this is because he is feeling like I am - just distant and sad and worried after the long distance - but the fact that he won't agree to see a marriage counselor after initiating this conversation about how we are distant etc bothers me.
And for the first time I am wondering if HE has had an affair...because of his preoccupation with asking me about it.
What do you think? I feel paranoid now. I think am just looking for reassurance.
I am sorry if this is in the wrong place, since I have not discovered infidelity. If I need to delete it, just let me know.