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I've been served, I made his mom cry, and his Grandmother died

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NewMom0220 posted 10/14/2013 14:03 PM

So I've been served. I never thought I'd be so happy to get served Divorce papers, but I am. He did for me what I could not bring myself to do. Talk about fence sitting...I was the one sitting on that fence with him. Thank God he put this dead horse of a marriage out of it's misery. Today I feel good...strong because I'm surrounded by my family, and strong because I wasn't blindsided. You guys on this forum really kicked my butt into gear and you were 100% correct when you told me to go..go retain the attorney...go home to your family....get the support you need.

This weekend I had to go back to town to get my stuff out of our old house. My dad, sister, and brother in law packed all of my stuff in a uhaul. I went by myself the night before and sorted through the closets, armoir, desks..etc. He had already taken his big items and that is when he left me that lovely note about cleaning supplies. I thought I would be sad going through our old wedding stuff...but I wasn't. I'm relieved. I guess after 7 months of bullshit, it feels a little freeing. No more lamenting about what could have been.

While my family and I were loading the truck the next day his MOTHER stopped by. She basically confronted me about leaving the way I did. She cried and was upset and I apologized and tried to explain that I never meant to hurt her and that I left because I was scared and needed my family around me. I cried and told her I loved her, that she would see DS soon enough, and that I just had to protect myself and my son. She couldn't understand why it's upsetting for me to not know where STBX lives. She said, I don't know where he lives either. All I have to do is call him and he shows up. She kept saying things about me and the last 7 months that were incorrect, obvious lies from my STBX. When I told her that he had filed for Divorce, she didn't believe me. She talked to me as if I were the liar. She had to call him on the phone and ask him if he filed. She said she was told he just filed for his "father's rights." She also said that in her draft folder was an email asking me to move in with her. That I didn't have to leave town the way I did. It shook me up, because I REALLY got the impression now that what happens to me doesn't matter to any one of them. It's so strange...why would I stick around to get mind fucked by her son some more? She said, "I don't believe that he continued to see that woman after you found out. I refuse to believe it. Maybe to end things, but he didn't keep seeing her." I said, "none of that matters now. He filed for Divorce. He clearly didn't want to reconcile. He treated me like garbage for 7 months. Why would I want to stay around that?"


Later that night when we got home with the Uhaul, I had an email from STBX that read:

I can't believe you and your family came all the way to [Town] and did not bring my son to see his father.

I replied:

DS is here with me at my parents house. I told you last week that my family would be helping me get the remainder of my belongings from the house. I couldn't bring him on a trip like this to go and get all of the furniture out of the house in one afternoon. I am not keeping him from you. You can see him whenever you want. Just let me know and I'll make the necessary arrangements.

He replied:

I will not be visiting with my son at your parents house. You do not have the right to dictate the time or place I spend with him. You have seperated my son from his father. I still cant believe you would be this selfish. A boy needs his father. I will get my son back but I will never forgive you for this. And I dont know what you and your family said to my Mom today but she didnt deserve it. That was cruel. She couldn't even control her crying to tell me my son was not there.

I have no more words to say to you. I am so disgusted.

I did not reply. Crickets for him. He also emailed me yesterday to say "tell DS that his Great Grandmother [STBXH's Grandmother] died." She was in her 90's, but I guess her death is my fault too.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 2:08 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

TrustGone posted 10/14/2013 14:18 PM

I am glad you are with your family. Unfortunately your mother-in-law is being disrespectful to you and your circumstances. My ex-mother-in-law did the same thing when I D XWH#1. She now however sees her son for what he really is and has apoligized to me for acting the way she did. It is hard for them to see their children fucking up their own lives but eventually they have to see it for what it is. Blood is always thicker than water and I am glad you went back to your family for the support you now need. (((HUGS)))

silverhopes posted 10/14/2013 14:34 PM

Their cruelty and disregard for you makes me deeply angry. And as for your son, if they really care about him, they will treat his mother (you) with more respect. Didn't they care that it would affect both you and your son that he cheated and abandoned you during this time?

Do you have a lawyer for your divorce? It might be time to establish NC as best you can and make them communicate solely with your lawyer. Then you can show your lawyer every correspondence with them, ask advice on when/if/how to response, and otherwise repeat "All communication can be done through our lawyers."

I truly think he's trying to either get an emotional reaction from you or hurt you as much as possible or both. Please communicate with him as little as possible, and don't let him have your son. Your son needs as much stability as possible right now, and you're the one who can provide that.


SBB posted 10/14/2013 15:47 PM

It's so strange...why would I stick around to get mind fucked by her son some more?

Because they think that is your job. Fuck them. I am glad you have found your anger.

I will not be visiting with my son at your parents house.

You did not say he had to visit at your parents house.

Wild horses could not keep me away.

Make no mistake. This is a reaction to loss of control over you, not about his son. Brace yourself for this to escalate.

Your hand was forced here. You would be all kinds of fucked up had you stayed. He could have starved you out and not to mention the emotional turmoil you would be in right now without support around you.

He rarely saw his son when you were there. I hope you have the number of visits and times/dates documented somewhere.

Please do not respond to him any further. It would just fuel this fire. He is going to come at you all guns blazing and everything you say/write can be used against you.

I would not put it past him to bring your son back to where he is if he does have visitation so please make sure to talk to your L about what happens if that happens. When the time comes I'd be tempted to handover at the police station if you can.

As for XMIL - she is being played by him good.

It is an awful situation all around. One that could have been avoided had he done the right thing. Look at your little boy and yourself surrounded by love and support and remind yourself that THIS is why you did this.

They can think whatever the fuck they like. In times past I told the sad clown "What you think of me matters less to me than you might imagine". It was as true then as it is now.

When it comes to protecting my girls and myself or saving another's feelings my girls and I come first hands down.

sunsetslost posted 10/14/2013 16:06 PM

Strong post NewMom.....happy for you. It inspired me.


Take2 posted 10/14/2013 16:21 PM

Stay strong! ((NewMom))

I can't imagine letting the baby go with him unless you know where he is taking him (ie: where he lives...)

Dreamboat posted 10/14/2013 16:48 PM

Since you have been served then you need to change your email messages to him. When he emails you (the first time) then simply respond "Please direct all further communication to my L" and provide a phone number and address. And then go crickets for the barrage of emails that you know will follow.

"tell DS that his Great Grandmother [STBXH's Grandmother] died."

Your DS is a baby -- wth??

And be prepared for him to blame everything in the world on you, including the govt shutdown. Don't cha know, I am responsible for the housing bubble burst, the bad economy, and Hurricane Katrina

NewMom0220 posted 10/14/2013 16:50 PM

Wild horses could not keep me away.


If it were me in his position, I would have already been here a million times to see my son. It's a 3 hour drive. He drove 8 hours to see his OW several times. It's ridiculous, but these are his choices, not mine.

In the papers I was served it said he couldn't afford his ATTY and that I should pay for his ATTY! LOL!!!!!

It also said he should remain the beneficiary of my life insurance policy. He told me after DDay that he had changed his life insurance policy and made DS the beneficiary. Why wouldn't I do the same thing? Why would he be the beneficiary after we've divorced? Ridiculous. I know it's just a petition and doesn't mean anything, but I wouldn't have every asked for either of those things. He is just a major loser. We make almost the same amount of money. He makes about 5-8K more than I do. He's a loser. Who leaves his wife and newborn son?

I will have to go back and read everything I've ever written on here and go by memory to go back and document. I lost a lot of my data, texts, calendar notes on my phone when it fell in the pool like a month ago.

He is an idiot and we are basically NC unless I HAVE TO respond to him on my Attorney's recommendation. I only responded to him about me going to move because I wanted it on record that I yet again have asked him to see his son.

And Yes, my whole family was shaking their heads last night about the tell DS that his Great Grandmother died. He is 7 months old. I let him know. Not to sound disrespectful, because I did love my GMIL, but DS just stared at me and drooled. HE'S A BABY!!!

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 4:54 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

Thefly559 posted 10/14/2013 16:59 PM

I loved your post, although I am very sorry you are here. Your post had strength and determination. Good for you! stay strong. Stay focused and you will come out better and stronger on the other side! My inlaws did the same thing , they believe all the lies even after I sent proof. f--k them they are poison and you , nor I need them. Good luck

numbandnauseous posted 10/14/2013 17:03 PM

NewMom - you are strong. Keep up the NC. You are doing great. Strength to you!


PhantomLimb posted 10/14/2013 17:06 PM

Hey NewMom, could you ask DS what to do about the debt ceiling after you're done explaining mortality?


Dreamboat posted 10/14/2013 18:18 PM

It also said he should remain the beneficiary of my life insurance policy. He told me after DDay that he had changed his life insurance policy and made DS the beneficiary.

I just wanted to comment on this. In my state the person who is paying CS is usually ordered to carry life insurance in the amount of of remaining CS (in your case, the next 17-18 years of CS). And the beneficiary is the ex spouse, not the child. In addition, children under the age of 18 cannot legally directly inherit so you have to set up a trust in your will. Otherwise the life insurance sits in probate (not collecting interest) until the child can legally inherit. So he is just showing you his ignorance all around with that.

You are doing great!! Stay strong!

newlysingle posted 10/14/2013 18:57 PM

XH and I also kept our insurance policies with each other as beneficiaries as part of our divorce. It is do that the remaining parent would have the means to raise our children alone. I don't think it's that unusual.

SBB posted 10/14/2013 20:50 PM

"tell DS that his Great Grandmother [STBXH's Grandmother] died.

Your son is 7m old - that was a message for you so you would feel sorry for him.

As for the life insurance I believe in reciprocity. If he has you on his you have him on yours. If my then all bets are off.


gonnabe2016 posted 10/14/2013 22:28 PM

Not to sound disrespectful, because I did love my GMIL, but DS just stared at me and drooled. HE'S A BABY!!!

......and I'm sorry for the death of GMIL.....

LeopoldB posted 10/14/2013 22:43 PM

What do you mean, "but DS just stared at me and drooled"...?

He's 7 months old and can already do two things at the same time. In my family, we call that gifted.

dmari posted 10/15/2013 01:10 AM

I am so happy happy happy that you are with your family. Everything you have done, has been done with your sons best interest and the best interest of the main caregiver of son (you). You are doing a fantastic job moving forward! Your stbx wheels are spinning completely out of control because he is not controlling you anymore. Sending you extra strength!

sparkysable posted 10/15/2013 12:00 PM

I'm not defending her, but I think it's hard for family to see their son/brother/cousin for what they really are. Maybe it's too painful and they can't process it until later. I saw this with my own IL's.

standingonmarble posted 10/15/2013 13:05 PM

So 1. You are happy about being served.
2. You made his mother cry.
3. And this all happened about the time his grandmother died.

I'd say karma had a hand in this.

Its all about perspective.

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