I'm still processing all those times of my life that all make sense now. I mean my H's past behavior, us, our relationship, where he was, what and who he was doing, where our money was going.
How long does this last? What was your experience of "processing" everything?? Now, that my anger left, I'm left with remembering the past...It doesn't hurt as much, but it's so bittersweet because we've both chosen to R.
I guess in a way I feel that I grieved our old M and our innocence. We are starting a new relationship, one that I hope we can bring our new healthier skills and coping mechanisms into.
“memory is a form of internal enactment of whatever is being recalled,” how do we retroactively create a life story out of events that were never experienced? There is a disturbing bifurcation: memory no longer corresponds to objective fact.
As a psychiatrist, I can tell you that it’s often a painstaking process to reconstruct a coherent personal history piece by piece — one that acknowledges the deception while reaffirming the actual life experience. Yet it’s work that needs to be done. Moving forward in life is hard or even, at times, impossible, without owning a narrative of one’s past. Isak Dinesen has been quoted as saying “all sorrows can be borne if you put them in a story or tell a story about them.” Perhaps robbing someone of his or her story is the greatest betrayal of all.
But I now see a bigger picture....my wifes honesty, prayer, weekly counseling, strong desire to break my contributing part of our pattern and lots of reading have helped me gain perspective.
God be with us all.
Life keeps moving fast.
How long does this last?
For me, I have 19 years to process so I don't think it will end, just too much to do at one time, it will take years imo as things come up, as memories are brought to the surface, as I "reminisce" with the kids about things, etc.
What was your experience of "processing" everything??
For me, there have been huge ah ha moments of things falling into place, and there have been small subtle things shifting. I have dealt with the anger of basing life decisions on lies, to the comfort of having empathy for myself doing the best I could while walking blindly during all those years.
Wow, talk about hitting the nail on the head.
Traveling w/ fwh to A City & Hotel all week. Yippee
[This message edited by fourever at 5:50 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]
Always, tell the other BS! Always!
"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!
During the A NOTHING I did was good enough what I cooked how I parented, fuck even how I shaved. It was insane and I felt I was loosing my mind. When I finally ha proof I knew it wasn't me It was him what he was doing.
But my concern Of course was wh was he so miserable. Why wasn't I good enough? How come I couldn't make him happy ? Hell read my profile you will see that I questioned this and felt if I had only done more... Funny thing is, it had NOTHING to do with me. He was miserable because he was broken. Not my fault. He had to do the work. He did. I was horribly codependent though and part of our healing our M meant that I couldn't just work to make him happy. I had to find my own happiness on my own. That was my hard work in R and that was a bitch. But I came out stronger happier And knew in my soul that no matter what happened in my life I would survive it and find happiness again.
[This message edited by tushnurse at 6:17 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]
I disregarded red flags . . . they all make sense now. I'm not really angry anymore. Not like I was. I am not really hurt, per se, anymore. My feelings about my marriage and even WH have changed so much since DDay that so many of the things that sparked dramatic emotional reactions before I now feel sort of numb to. Numb or indifferent, I'm not sure which, I guess.
WH and I chose to R. He was the ideal remorseful spouse. I still love him with all of my heart but the A truly did change the way that I feel about him and our M. He doesn't take my breath away the way he used to. It's not as intense as it used to be, our relationship It's like my image of him and our marriage has been tarnished. THAT has been very hard to process. I loved the lust, the passion, the admiration I once felt. That really got kicked down a few notches after all of this.
But, he is a better person all around now than he was before. He is a better husband and a better father. So that has been a positive change.
IDK, this truly is a long process but time really does bring healing. Every day that goes by brings with it more peace, more distance from this horrible ordeal, more time growing closer with WH and recreating our marriage . . .
I still love him with all of my heart but the A truly did change the way that I feel about him and our M. He doesn't take my breath away the way he used to. It's not as intense as it used to be, our relationship It's like my image of him and our marriage has been tarnished. THAT has been very hard to process. I loved the lust, the passion, the admiration I once felt. That really got kicked down a few notches after all of this.
That sums me up post DDay. Thanks kourt090
Reconciling. A stronger marriage now.
Psalm 37. It rocks my world. So does 140. Big guy upstairs has got it all figured out.
I do know that I was a lot more committed to him than he was to me. So I'm guessing that our connection during the 3 or so years of his wayward behavior wasn't real. It didn't exist. I was waltzing with my own shadow. So we're making a brand new connection after 3 years of him treating me like I was expendable? What the hell kind of connection did he think we had back then? That would help to put some perspective on it.
Someone once noted: has your WS ever asked you what you went through during their affair period? What your life was like? A very telling question.