[This message edited by Feelingobsessed at 4:31 PM, October 14th (Monday)]
People will be along with awesome advice shortly. Please don't blame yourself this is not your fault.
Be aware that you cannot go to MC while your partner is in an affair, that's crazy!
Two people per relationship only.
Seriously.....a stripper? Hasn't someone told him they are ALWAYS on the troll for someone to bleed dry for money? What a fool.....
Are there kids in the mix?
I'm really so very sorry you find yourself here. It's really hard to get your head around how badly your soul can be crushed. There are so many folks here who have walked this road ahead of you and have wonderful advice.
Some of what you will hear may be hard to hear but, you need to listen carefully to what is said. This club is very loyal to its members and gives you the best they have to offer.
Gently, if he is still texting her he is cake eating. In other words, taking the best of his two worlds. When they say they need time to think, that's wayward code for I'm not ready to give this up.
He just blew your world apart and you are so shocked you haven't really absorbed it yet. Being kind, understanding and standing there with arms wide open to take him back are only signals to him that he can keep the gig going a little longer. He is disrespecting you in a big way. Please don't let him keep on. You call the shots now. Only you can put an end to that kind of selfish behavior by not allowing it to continue.
Tell him that there is no room in your relationship for a third person and if he wants to keep what he had with you she has to go....now! How long does someone have to think about that?
Read up on the 180 in The Healing Library up in the top left hand corner and start it 10 minutes ago. Honey, he is deep in a fantasy world & it's going to take rocking his world to get his attention.
Be good to yourself. No one deserves to be treated with such disrespect. He had something great & he needs to feel just how dangerously close he is to losing it.
What am I supposed to do? I told I would reconcile. He needs to cut off all ties. He says he needs time to think.
Doesn't seem like ANYTHING he wants should be on the table.
Actually, he can do WHATEVER he wants. If he wants to communicate with her, he can do so. He is free to do what he wants, and you can not change that.
But YOU can decide what you want, and what is acceptable to you. Just like you have no control over his actions, he has no control over yours.
Decide what you want in this relationship. Write down the minimums that are needed in order to try to reconcile. And then stick to them. Don't budge one inch, as these are the MINIMUMS that are needed to attempt R. And if these *crazy* demands...such as No Contact, honesty, transparency, etc....can't be met by your partner, then he leaves you no alternative then to work toward leaving the relationship.
He says he needs time to think.
This is the line that I always hated. As far as I am concerned, they have 5 seconds...MAX...to decide if they want to be with us, or not. Granted, their train of thought is screwed up at this time, but that can be sorted through after they commit to the relationship. There is zero excuse to *have to* allow him time to think.
He is all in, or he is all out. Period.
Keep reading and posting--especially The Healing Library in the top left corner in the yellow box. Good luck.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
Accepting that I can may end this marriage 7/2/14
Heading for D
Very sorry for what you are going through. You are not alone.
A couple things:
Started IC. Just set up appt. for MC next week, but haven't told him about it yet.
and then this
He told me that he still texts her and has messed around with her since we've been back.
first, as you pointed out you cannot reconcile with a person if there is still contact going on between him and the other woman. PERIOD. Because he is still in contact with her there is no reason to go to MC. Continue with IC for yourself though. MC is for couples who want to work on their relationshipo together. You'll be spinning your wheels and get continously hurt during MC if you go with him at this point.
He says he needs time to think.
This is wayward speak for "I still want my OW on the side. I don't want to commit to my relationship with you." I'm sorry, it's hard to hear but that's what he is doing. Now is the time to focus on you and protecting yourself. He is not the person you know, he is very focused on himself and getting his ego boosted. He is unreliable.
You don't have to make a decision immediately. Go to IC and figure out what you want/need to do for yourself.
One last thing. Have yourself tested for STD's. I know the thought of that might be crazy but he is putting your at risk by not being faithful. You are priority number one now.
Betrayel is a horrible thing to go through but you will get through this.
60 years young..
You've gotten some great advice. One bit that I want to add is to see a lawyer pronto and figure out how to separate your finances (there's a post about this in the JFO forum in the most recent pages). From what I've seen on these boards, stripper OW's are masters at taking financial advantage of fools.
Now, with the 180, bear in mind that it is a fundamental shift for you. It is not meant to be used to manipulate your WH. It is meant to move to a stronger and more confident you who will respect your needs. Sometimes it does have the side benefit of showing your WH that you a capable and willing to move on with your life and that he must get his shit together if he wants to go with you.
I'm going to bump a post for you, "20/20 Hindsight What I Should Have Done When I JFO", it's by Katherine41, it might help you with some of your questions, I think it's worth it's weight in gold.
Honey, one thing I can assure you, although hard to believe right now, is that you will feel better than you do right now. Promise.
[This message edited by hard_yards at 9:05 PM, October 14th (Monday)]
I am wondering and this isn't to be a bitch truly it isn't.
Do you still truly want to be with him or do you not want to loose. This is one of the things right after DDAY I had to figure out.
If it was me all signs are indicating that this is going the wrong way. He's out of the house , you're still in contact and he's mad it quite clear that his whore is first priority.
I personally, knowing your country is easier in doing this. Would file for divorce.it does not mean you have to continue the divorce it can stop at any time.
You also need to look at your bank accounts. The 180 I feel personally would be more effective if you were living together, he can't avoid it. However no fricken way could I live with him. So grain of salt there.
So you need to make a stand for yourself. Keep him out of the house. Change the locks do the accounts and get him served.
Don't let him know you are doing it. Let his heart and gut sink.
The 180 is for your independence, however I will note that you will find out very soon whether he is worth it.
No MC, no point.
Eta on ipad so sorry for typos. Also goi g to the gym etc is fantastic. Hang in there you will find an inner strength you didn't know you had
[This message edited by lauren123 at 11:16 PM, October 14th (Monday)]
You are not married and there are no kids. Are finances mixed? If so work on financial separation and possibly an attorney visit.
180 for you. Rebuild yourself. Individual counseling will help you'll long with if you have friends or family IRL that you can turn to.
Read the healing library.
Eat, drink water, exercise and sleep. Get checked for stds. I don't care what he says about contact.
As you heard, MC seems pointless right now. He needs some serious IC himself before he can even begin to be a safe partner for R. MC caveat: if you are not comfortable talking with him or have some things you would Iike to ask or say in a safe setting, MC might be a facilitator. But it might be along the lines of people doing couples counseling to end a relationship.
Where is anger, you ask? You are probably still in shock. You report talking about it calmly and being awed by the turn of events. Anger will come on its own schedule, and be sure not to stuff it down or block it. It can be your friend and regardless you need to feel it to get through it.
Thinking of you. PM me whenever. Take care of yourself.
Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful sons
You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou
Remember you are missing the man you thought he was. The man he is has proven he doesn't put you first already. He's just thinking of himself and the best deal for him.
I know you weren't married, but some Lawyers give free consults and you should take advantage of that to find out your rights and options. Also make copies of everything financial, just in case, while the records are still in your home.
Most importantly, look after yourself. Letting him know you are sitting home waiting for him will not get him back, if that is what you choose. Hugs.