I have this recurring thought too.....like most here....my fWS betrayed me several times during her affair, put our children and our health at risk too. It hurts and I have wondered this same wonderment before...if my wife would be there for me if I were diagnosed with a terminal illness tomorrow. One of the benefits fWS have with a BS who is working hard on R is that we have proven that we can take extreme trauma and not forsake our spouse. But this isn't a one-upsmanship, is it? I am not keeping score but am recognizing how an A affects both the BS and fWS in very opposing ways with regards to the strength of commitment.
Having said that...bare with me.....
Philosophically...maybe the question isn't if they loved their BS enough, maybe it was that they didn't love themselves enough.
Don't throw stones...hear me out.
An A is an escape...right? Sure they are escaping from the M and family they were a part of, had a hand in developing...I get that...but I wonder if they aren't escaping from themselves first and foremost. Maybe that is why some fWS express such shock that they have found themselves in their A to begin with? They escaped from themselves for a bit...and when they find themselves they are like....Holy crap! How did I get here?!?!?
Don't get me wrong....Affairs are the most hurtful acts one person can do to another. God realizes this...thus the only sin where divorce is an option according to the bible. Researchers also document this...trauma a BS experiences from infidelity is among the strongest a person can experience.
So I get that.
But I wonder if a WS lack of love for themselves (or waning of love for themselves) is the stronger emotion at play here? Selfishness does not equal love for oneself. Selfishness is a natural emotion, love for oneself is not a natural emotion...it is developed over time through ones actions and experiences.
IF the M the fWS was a partner in was so painful, hurtful, toxic, abusive....wouldn't a person who loved themselves react in an honorable way before choosing adultery? Such as suggesting counseling, expressing honestly what is troubling them about the M, or simply announce they are going to file for D BEFORE they seek another mate? (this supports the true statement that the WS affair is NOT about the BS).
Perhaps WS lack of love for themselves tells them that they themselves are not lovable...but that thought doesn't sit well with them...so they escape their own thoughts into an A. In an A, an external source is telling them they ARE wonderful. This stimulation combined with the hormones exuded by a body during the first sexual encounters with a new person propel a WS into adultery....with the very real feeling of...AAAAHHHH, so this is what I was missing! See, I knew it wasn't me!!! Even if a BS is telling this to their WS pre-A, it could fall on deaf ears if the WS discounts this attention in much the same way our children discount parents love...kind of, Of Course You Say That...You Have To, You Are Married To Me....sort of way. Or maybe their FOO issues kept them from accepting that they can be loved and the excitement of the forbidden love of an A simply overrides this FOO established bias?
How did I develop this theory? Lots of IC sessions that focused on Does Blakesteele Love Blakesteele? It was an eye opening journey...one that I did not find very flattering to Blakesteele...but made some square pieces fit into round holes at the end of it.
I also have the rare but deep conversations with my Mom who divorced 30 years ago...and is just now starting to really think about her role in my parents M and D. And lots of reading.
I don't profess that this is accurate or real....it is just a thought I have pieced together as I try in vane to make sense of a senseless situation.
If this theory is somewhat correct....the realization fWS go through after their A, the realization that their own choices have so deeply hurt themselves, spouses, children, that it will take even more effort to rebuild that love for themselves....right?
Either way, this is a tough row to hoe. Working towards a healthy marriage is tough regardless of the situation. Adultery sure increases the workload exponentially.
Have thought more then once how much easier building a healthy marriage would be had we not started from such a deficit position.
God help us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:16 PM, October 14th (Monday)]