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Not capable of the love and care we deserve

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whatamidoing posted 10/14/2013 17:58 PM

I have been thinking about this and just saw someone's post about why her XH didn't love her the way anouther H did his wife! I read and think and try to be worthy of love so much but I think the issue may be some may not know how to love or care for anouther. I saw the crappy way my XH treated the OW and myself and know he didn't try anything! No reason no support no love no change nothing.
Bishop TD jakes said a while ago on Oprah some people are gallon and some pint size people
maybe asking for real love from these people is like blood from stones
I see some stories of R and know those people have full heart mind and soul to give and share with anouther but my XH is not equipped and it would not matter if I was sandra bullock and mother Theresa blend he still could not have loved me the way I deserved
I now try every day to endusure my kids grow up equipped to fully love and be loved cause living without feeling real love, acting from love must suck
congrats to all of you who are capable and willing and live love
happy thanksgiving

SerJR posted 10/14/2013 19:15 PM

The best analogy I've heard is to compare the WS to a bucket with a hole in it. No matter how much you try to fill the bucket (that is, with love) it will never be enough because something is fundamentally wrong with the bucket.

Your WH's actions are, indeed, a reflection on him alone. He has refused to face reality and has tried to run away from it. The funny thing is, that no matter how far and how fast you run, you can never outrun yourself without losing yourself. It's a self propogating, downward spiral.

Love requires vulnerability. It requires being the true you. Your WH does not like what he sees when he catches that reflection. If you deny who you are, you can't give of yourself.

You, however, do deserve to be treated with respect and reciprocity and love. And your children deserve a mother who will respect herself and show them how a functional adult deals with adversity.

Hang in there whatamidoing. Stay smart. Stay strong. Stay true to yourself.
You will find your future.

[This message edited by SerJR at 7:16 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

tesla posted 10/14/2013 19:25 PM

I never felt unconditionally loved by ex-shat. I would mention to him how his love for me always felt contingent on what I was providing or doing for him.

He wasn't capable of giving me that unconditional love because he was only ever worried about himself or how something made him feel.
He couldn't give because all he knew was how to take.

dmari posted 10/15/2013 01:22 AM

Your post title sums it up perfectly. They are simply not capable of the "love" that is required in a marriage. Thank you for sharing your insight and reminder to live authentically for ourselves and for our children.

SBB posted 10/15/2013 06:11 AM

Love requires vulnerability. It requires being the true you. Your WH does not like what he sees when he catches that reflection. If you deny who you are, you can't give of yourself.

This is so right it stings, SerJR.

I spent the last few years of the M wondering where his love went. Where the guy I loved and married went. Wondering what I had done wrong. 5 years I spent in that state.

Truth is it had been gone for a long time. The closer I tried to get to him the more he pushed me away. I yearned for intimacy that he was simply unable to give.

There was also a point where I realised he didn't know me at all. Only as his wife and the mother of his children.

They cannot give what they do not posses.

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