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AML04 posted 10/14/2013 19:59 PM

I have been triggering nonstop the past few days. Really the past few weeks and I'm so angry all the time. We did decide to start scheduling "talk time" so it's not all in bits and pieces. We had a pretty good talk Friday night but it left me raw and hurting. I haven't been able to stop all the mind movies and horrible thoughts coming into my head. I told him I need to feel wanted, special. I've seen the texts and I know he did it for her but it seems he either doesn't know how or doesn't remember to do it with me.

Today one of his uncles died. There's some family drama surrounding it but he wasn't close to him. Tonight it was hitting him though and I felt bad for not being more supportive when he found out. I was so wrapped up in my anger/pain I didn't even think to ask how he was because he seemed fine. He had a couple moments tonight but he says he'll be ok. What I'm scared of is that he is in pain and just not talking me about it. This was one of our biggest issues pre-A.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking here. I want him to open up to me but I'm also really pissed at him and I don't know how to balance the two. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

unfound posted 10/14/2013 20:06 PM

This is a really hard thing to do, especially early in R. It's good that you recognize that you feel for him, but at the same time that anger is overpowering it. I get it.

Sometimes it takes a conscious effort to lay aside the anger and show empathy or compassion when it's appropriate.

Maybe take some time to discuss this with him. Let him know that it doesn't make anything else (A related) go away, but you are working on being empathetic to his feelings, and hope he can come to you with them.

Communication is vital to R. Being able to open up and be vulnerable (both of you) is huge and can come if both are willing and on the same page.

AML04 posted 10/14/2013 20:41 PM

Thank you. I told him I hoped he knows I am there for him and that I am here if he needs to talk. I also said I hoped he wouldn't hold back because that wouldn't be good for either of us.

Hopefully I can push my pain aside enough to really be there for him if he needs it. It's hard not to dwell on the times he wasn't there for me when I needed him. However, I also remember the times we weren't there for each other before, and I don't want to go back to that.

[This message edited by AML04 at 8:43 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

blakesteele posted 10/14/2013 20:56 PM

What I'm scared of is that he is in pain and just not talking me about it. This was one of our biggest issues pre-A.

I get this....suffered from this pre-A as well. Not only would my wife not naturally share her pain with me, I would not naturally engage her as I should have. Really played into our disconnection.

I also feel like you do....so wrapped up in my own pain that I have to remind myself that my wife is struggling too. Its mechanical, but I ask an open ended question daily of my wife. How do you feel?

Its a start....

AML04 posted 10/14/2013 21:01 PM

Exactly blake!! For so long neither of us wanted to "burden" the other with our pain but then it just became old hat to not share and it was what contributed to our disconnection.

Thank you, I will try that. I've asked him how he's doing but not necessarily how he is feeling.

blakesteele posted 10/14/2013 21:42 PM

AML04....I just shared this question with my good friend...he has been supportive since my DD.

He and his wife have a "good" marriage. When I asked him if he ever asked this open-ended "feeling" question to his wife he said..."no, because I am afraid of what she might say!"

He was kind of joking but kind of not.

I am a big fan of specific apologize, but see the value that this general question may have to a healthy M. If you ask " how did you sleep last night" it constrains the response to just sleep....especially if that person is uncomfortable about expressing other feelings, not wanting to "burden" their mate.

We have had small success's thus far....it is such a foreign way for us to interact. I have faith that will change.

Cool to hear we resonate with each other on this. Is also nice to recognize and be working on pre-A marital issues.

Marathonwaseasy posted 10/15/2013 00:55 AM

This is my challenge too. Very difficult. Strength to you

RidingHealingRd posted 10/15/2013 01:14 AM

5 months post Dday and I can honestly say that I did not care one bit what my WH was feeling. Sort of like how he did not care one bit how I would feel about him cheating.

I was in pain and struggling daily...there was no room in my mess up world to care about him and there was no way I was going to fake because I am the honest spouse.

AML04 posted 10/15/2013 06:18 AM

Blake-I really thought our issues before the A were all the outside stuff we were going through and that it would get better once we got through it. Looking back now I realize that it was that we didn't communicate about those issues. I don't blame myself or those issues for him choosing to have the A but being so disconnected made it a lot easier for him.

Marathon-strength to you as well.

Riding-I do find it hard to have empathy for him in normal circumstances, like when he's not feeling well but I feel this is different. I really still want to support him when he's in pain. Sometimes it's just hard to put my pain on the back burner and I already find myself doing it because otherwise I might talk about it 24/7.

bionicgal posted 10/15/2013 07:19 AM

I tend to fall on the other end of the spectrum. . . I empathize too much and then lose myself. He is always telling me not to worry about him, but R sucks for a truly remorseful spouse as well. It seems like he is constantly peeling away another layer of the onion of his actions. Also, me expressing my hurt (which he has been hounding me to do more) really brings it up more for him. It is all necessary, but hard stuff.

AML04 posted 10/15/2013 16:02 PM

bionicgal-historically I've been the same. I'm always more worried about what other people are feeling than I am about myself.
H has had a few moments where my pain and guilt has overwhelmed him. In those moments I definitely comforted and tried to soothe him regardless of how I was feeling. I'm just starting to learn that my feelings are important too and the things I need to feel loved and wanted aren't big things.

[This message edited by AML04 at 4:04 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]