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wtf? This is what I mean Re: being young and divorced

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Confused1829 posted 10/14/2013 20:40 PM

Something my friends and even strangers don't understand - I HATE online dating forums that make you state whether you are never married or divorced. At my age, being 31, I feel like that 'filters me out' naturally by people and they think I have baggage issues, etc. without ever knowing what the REAL story is.

I mean, I would be hesitant too being so young and divorced already, but I just want the chance to explain my situation first before being labeled. I'm just being real.

Case in point, check out this AWESOME message from someone on OLD:

Seem fun, outgoing, hot in a pink dress, Florida girl for a bit (I was a Florida guy), but divorced?! Ugh...I guess you took the Florida girl requirement a little too seriously! :)

Thanks for the wink,

I mean - can I be annoyed here??? I dont even know how to respond but I'm a bit offended - and this goes back to my insecurity regarding being divorced at my age and that no one that I'm looking for really 'gets it'.

Thoughts?

cayc posted 10/14/2013 21:05 PM

So message him back:

No, I took the monogamy thing too seriously and when I found out my husband cheated on me I divorced him. But thanks for being a judgey asshole. I take back my wink.

[This message edited by cayc at 9:05 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

cmego posted 10/14/2013 21:10 PM

Seriously...my slightly bitchy side would come out.

I would respond, "I know!! I can't believe I'm divorced either...I just always believed marriage should be between two people. His girlfriend kept getting in the way. Thanks for the message, good luck!"

I'd totally just play it off slightly bitchy, but make a point. But, that is just me.

People are going to be stupid. If I have to hear, "How did you NOT KNOW that your H was gay??" one more time...

cmego posted 10/14/2013 21:10 PM

twitchy fingers...

[This message edited by cmego at 9:11 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

Confused1829 posted 10/14/2013 21:11 PM

I mean, seriously?? Am I being too sensitive or was he trying to be funny? He THEN sent me a wink?!


I was thinking of sending this:

Thanks - I'm not sure if you were trying to be funny?? If you must know, I didn't enter into marriage lightly nor did I leave abruptly - I left because he was cheating. It was a long time ago and it was tough, but I am a much better person today as a result. I could've easily hidden my 'status' but I wanted to be honest.

Just thought that rendered a reply.


cmego posted 10/14/2013 21:17 PM

He may have been kinda joking...hard to tell. But, I would play back as a joke and see what happens.

More of the "Yeah...just couldn't handle his girlfriend!" and see what happens. You can get into the "I took my vows seriously" later.

Although cayc has a great comeback too

waiting2see posted 10/14/2013 21:18 PM

WTF? I would have been offended too.

Did he think he was funny? Then maybe he has a mean sense of humor. Then he winks? First he is a dick and then he flirts.

He is a fucked-up, mean-spirited asshole.

I think your reply is gracious and thoughtful but likely to be lost on this cad. That isn't to say you shouldn't send it.

Hugs. I just had to respond bc it was such a dick-move on his part and I don't want you to let an asshole like that weigh on your mind or your opinion of yourself for one second.

fraeuken posted 10/14/2013 21:23 PM

Why even respond? He is a stranger either with a weird sense of humor or who is being an idiot. Delete, block, whatever it takes.

Amazonia posted 10/14/2013 21:23 PM

I get it. I was divorced at 27, and hopped online shortly after. Here's the thing that I've come to realize after a few years of experience with it - it's as big a deal as we make of it. Seriously. OLD is a little bit more complicated, because when you're online, everyone is looking for reasons to narrow their field. Seriously, how many items are there to tick off anyone's list just to say, "not that one" .... A lot.

In real life though, I don't even bother telling people why I'm divorced. It only comes up when I mention something about my ex husband in passing, and no one has so much as blinked an eye. A small handful of people later asked why, and were totally understanding when I roll my eyes and say, "oh, you know, he cheated" and that's the end of it.

I have dated guys who I met online and in real life, and they all knew I was divorced. It was only a big deal in dating when I still made a big deal of it at the beginning.

I know that it sounds much easier said than done, but seriously, people will mirror your attitude. If it's not a big deal to you, it won't be to anyone else. If you make it an elephant in the room though, everyone will respect that and follow along with it.

Your life experiences, even this shitty ones, are shaping you into who you are. There's no shame in putting divorced on your dating profile - wouldn't you rather weed out those who aren't willing to find out why or what happened before you waste your time emailing them?

I talked about it on my profile while I was doing the online thing; I think I had it worded something like, "for the record I did get married young, which didn't work out. Feel free to ask about it if you are curious." And then had a standard 1 sentence response that I used when guys did ask (maybe 50% of the real messages I got did). Not a single guy who asked ended conversation after hearing why I was divorced.

better4me posted 10/14/2013 21:26 PM

I think I'd do a tongue in cheek reply too. Remember some people are stupid and his stupidity has NOTHING to do with you.

(On my good days, I look at these kinds of things as nature's way of eliminating unsuitable people from my dating pool :)

Confused1829 posted 10/14/2013 21:43 PM

Thanks all - I ended up responding:

"Ha, yea I guess so! I just couldn't get along with his girlfriend, my bad!"

And left it at that. We'll see if he responds, either way I don't care, I just felt like I had/wanted to say something.

Amazonia - I'm with you. In real life, I'm pretty open about it but it's not a huge deal and I've never run into an issue with anyone not wanting to see me anymore because I'm divorced, etc. But online, it's just so THERE already. I like what you did though of addressing it and inviting people to ask questions on it if they wanted to.

But it just speaks to the point I made earlier. The message from this dick (or maybe awkward person) and then from a man 20+ years older than me stating that 'we have a lot in common, I too am divorced' um, maybe but you're still old enough to be my Dad! HELLO MIDDLE GROUND? Where ARE you?!?

SIGH

I am ONE bad male encounter away from becoming celibate.

persevere posted 10/14/2013 22:58 PM

Ride it out - and I personally LOVE cayc's response - there are many good guys out there, you will get past the riff raff.

7yrsflushed posted 10/15/2013 09:13 AM

At my age, being 31, I feel like that 'filters me out' naturally by people
That actually gets you through some filters as well. I am 37 and I filter out people for the other reason. If I meet a woman that's my age and never been married or never been in a long term relationship then I start wondering what kind of baggage SHE is carrying around. Just pointing out that it goes both ways. Everyone has baggage, usually those of us (married or never married) that have worked through some of it realize everyone has something going on. The clueless ones send comments like your online "buddy".

You have to weed through the uninformed and the idiots to meet the decent people. Don't let the bad ones turn you off.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 10:00 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)]

Whalers11 posted 10/15/2013 09:49 AM

This is a really hard age to be, sometimes. It's a red flag if you're in your early 30s and divorced, based on your post, but I also feel like it's a red flag if you've never been married, either. I'm 32 and feel like people think there is something wrong with my for never having been married.

Sometimes you just can't win.

Crescita posted 10/15/2013 13:45 PM

Much like with a guy who is unabashedly cheating, there is a silver lining to the blatantly judgmental; you needn't waste anytime figuring out that you are incompatible.

She11ybeanz posted 10/15/2013 13:57 PM

I am ONE bad male encounter away from becoming celibate.

Change the last words from "celibate" to "a lesbian" or "deranged catlady" and you have me!

I like cayc's response!!!

So message him back:
No, I took the monogamy thing too seriously and when I found out my husband cheated on me I divorced him. But thanks for being a judgey asshole. I take back my wink.


JERK!

That actually gets you through some filters as well. I am 37 and I filter out people for the other reason. If I meet a woman that's my age and never been married or never been in a long term relationship then I start wondering what kind of baggage SHE is carrying around.

I agree with 7yearsflushed (mine is 8 btw! ) If I meet a guy that is my age (I'm 34 and got divorced when I was 31) and he has never been married or has any kids....I wonder WHY and wonder what baggage he has as well.... usually if a guy is almost 40 a red flag goes up for me if he hasn't been married. Its usually a perfectly rational reason (like med school or something) but there are lots of ASSES in the world too... who have never gotten married because no one has been able to stand them long enough or everyone was smart enough to run for the hills... Then, there are people like my XWH and sperm donor who have been married 2+ times who are your "serial marriers" who don't really take marriage seriously... not to say that there aren't people who have been married 2, 3, + times who haven't had bad luck...but IF XWH marries MOW...it will be his 3rd marriage (his real dad was married 4 times)...and if sperm donor gets married again...his 3rd. (he proposed to me but I would rather jump off a cliff). So, you have people on both sides of the spectrum that will toss out red flags. Just gotta weed weed weed for that needle in the haystack..... and try not to get poked in the process!

Its good to do your homework though!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 2:07 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]

sparkysable posted 10/15/2013 14:51 PM

No, I took the monogamy thing too seriously and when I found out my husband cheated on me I divorced him. But thanks for being a judgey asshole. I take back my wink.

Sorry, but I LOVE this response

damncutekitty posted 10/16/2013 18:42 PM

I was 26 when I got my D. The thing I ran into was dates wanting to know the whole horrid story because being a divorcee under 30 is such an oddity.

Don't bother sending the guy a response. He did you a favor by showing you what an ass he is BEFORE you got involved with him.

Housefulloflove posted 10/16/2013 18:58 PM

It sounds like your divorce status just weeded out an asshole.

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