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truthsetmefree posted 10/14/2013 22:56 PM

Just notified today.

Believed to be a drug overdose...found behind a closed store after being dumped there by user "friends" two months ago.

Plethora of emotions...knew this was likely coming but didnt expect it quite like this. Dont know how to process it....dont know how to help my boys who, although they havent had contact with him in 13 years, are having trouble with it.

And how to do this with regards to the man who HAS been here all this time and who HAS been Dad to them....

Uncharted....

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 10/14/2013 22:58 PM

(((truth)))

How horrific!! I think all you CAN do is be there for your boys.

(((boys)))

Nature_Girl posted 10/14/2013 23:00 PM

Oh my word! Uncharted is right. I'm so sorry.

click4it posted 10/14/2013 23:02 PM

oh my goodness truth....must be so much shock and mixed emotions to process all at once.

((((((hugs))))))))

sending a ton of strength to you and your boys.

nowiknow23 posted 10/14/2013 23:04 PM

(((((truth and boys))))) Sending you strength and peace, honey. Take it as it comes.

cantlivewithouth posted 10/15/2013 04:32 AM

(((((truth and boys))))) You are in my thoughts and prayers.

woundedby2 posted 10/15/2013 05:14 AM

(((truth))))

authenticnow posted 10/15/2013 05:42 AM

I'm sorry. You and your family are in my thoughts.

wifehad5 posted 10/15/2013 05:46 AM

(((Truth)))

Deeply Scared posted 10/15/2013 06:50 AM

(((Truth)))

Oh my God

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so sorry

SisterMilkshake posted 10/15/2013 07:07 AM

((((truth))))

I am so sorry. That is horrible. Not many really deserve to die and be treated that way.

openedupmyeyes posted 10/15/2013 07:43 AM

(((((Truth)))) no words!

jo2love posted 10/15/2013 08:05 AM

(((Truth)))

truthsetmefree posted 10/15/2013 08:27 AM

I saw it on the news and thought "how sad!" - that police didnt even know who it was.

And then to get the call...

I was the first person they were trying to call. ??? We've been divorced for 15 years!

Its such mixed emotions because Ive had to basically hide from him all those years. Restraining orders, court petitions to protect the kids, warnings to teachers every year, code words with the kids, the list goes on and on - things that are so abnormal yet were normal. These last years when he couldnt find us he began to torment my parents. It has frightened my dad so badly thatt he has began to carry a gun with him *everywhere*. And he's not really healthy enough to be doing that, if you kwim.

And now its suddenly over. Just like that.

And its a relief.

And its incredibly sad.

And Im mad that I still "cleaning up".

And I dont care.

And I feel so sorry for him.

And I keep checking the news to see if its updated, if the name has been released, to know if its really real...

So how am I suppose to walk the boys through this??? DS23 was in tears last night. Very unusual for him. Its just all so convuluted. Hes feeling guilty. ????

Mama_of_3_Kids posted 10/15/2013 08:34 AM

(((truth & boys)))

painpaingoaway posted 10/15/2013 08:39 AM

I'm so sorry truthsetmefree.

Yes, I'm sure you are in unchartered territory and it must be extremely difficult.

I don't really know much about your situation, so this may not be helpful, but as the mother of a mentally ill drug addict, may I suggest that maybe just focus on the illnesses that your ex battled rather than the personal pain he caused you and your family? Maybe that would help to deflect some of the personal pain your children might be experiencing?

sunandmoon posted 10/15/2013 08:44 AM

(((truth))) (((truth boys)))

I am so very sorry. The finality of it is likely what is hitting your boys so hard. The fact that "dad" will never recover and be like the other Dad's they know of. I cannot imagine the stress it is putting on you to try to support them and navigate your own emotions.

Prayers and positive thoughts for you and your boys.

sunandmoon

truthsetmefree posted 10/15/2013 09:19 AM

may I suggest that maybe just focus on the illnesses that your ex battled rather than the personal pain he caused you and your family?

I started here. I think as much because I'm a mother that fears having a son with mental illness and addiction. It's a daily prayer and has been for years. It's the ONLY place I can find compassion for XH.

I sat one time in the middle of my hallway with a loaded gun and my 6 & 10 year old babies hiding in the bath tub while my XH (divorced 4 yrs at that point) was trying to get in every door. It was a turning point for me that day because I *know* I would have - could have - shot him. Before that I was always afraid that having a gun could be turned on me.

I protected the boys from so much, from knowing so much. So in a weird way, of course they're grieving. And in a not so weird way - of course they are grieving.

But seeing him, essentially, hurt them now is not striking the compassion chord. I'm almost back in that hallway.

I'm a mess. I know this isn't about me. But I need to get cleared out so I can best help the boys. I'm also very concerned that this is going to bring out resentment for me for cutting him out of their lives.

Ironically, burial arrangements will fall to the boys since they are next of kin. I'm even pissed that they have to deal with that on ANY level.

Thanks for giving me a place to talk this out....

[This message edited by truthsetmefree at 9:22 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)]

ajsmom posted 10/15/2013 09:20 AM

Wow.

This rendered me speechless.

Addictions are unfathomable and I fear this will be my X's demise as well.

Praying for strength for you and your family.

(((((truth)))))

AJ's MOM

Kelany posted 10/15/2013 09:25 AM

I am so very sorry to hear this.

My father passed away last February from a drug overdose. They found him after 2 days. We don't know if it was intentional or not.

I had not had contact with him most of my life, however, I had to help, along with my half sister who also had no contact with him, take care of his affairs. We flew out of state for his funeral even.

It was very hard for me. My father was a pedophile, a drug addict and so much more. My mother left him when I was 2 and I've only had very sporadic phone contact with him during my life. The last being when I was 20 and then when I was 32 for health reasons.

His death brought out a lot of pain in ME. I did not handle it well at all. My mother was an amazing support to me. When I called her after we went to the funeral home to pick up his ashes and I was holding him in my lap I lost it. She was my rock.

Focus on your boys...let them talk about what they are feeling. Offer emotional support. Offer to just...be with them I any way that they need it.

The wounds in me ran deep with my father, and his death really messed me up. I still have a million questions in my head, but, there is no way to answer them, and that's the hardest of all.

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