Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-

SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Tigress5455 (45753)

User Topic: Can't Live With This
cluless
♀ 40538
Member # 40538
Sad  Posted: 11:10 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The longer this goes, the worst it is getting. WH is also less patient and yells much easier. This is NOT going to work, I wanted to try b/c I love him so very much. I wanted to just know WHY he picked the time he did to start the affair. My friend had just died of Crohn's Disease at 54 y.o. I was devastated, and I was just diagnosed with two more strictures and I was facing yet another life threatening surgery. 3 days after my birthday and just weeks before my surgery he screwed her for the first time. I asked him why? Why then? His response "I was lonely." My response "I was DYING." then the next time he screwed her was the day before our anniversary. Ours sucked, I guess he had more fun with his whore.

What do I do? I can't forgive this, there is no way. Everybody says revenge sex won't help, I think it will. Because then he can feel it to his core just like me. THEN we maybe able to save this marriage. Of course IF I do what he does then I'm "dirty" I guess b/c I'm female.

Anybody have anything to help me please??????????????????


WH 57
BS 55 -- Me!
LTA EA/PA 1-1/2 years.
D-Day 8-12, 2nd D-Day 9-13, 3rd D-Day 10-13 (stopped counting tt still coming in)
Married 17 yrs, together 20.
MC & IC has been a JOKE.

Status: In careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels and starti


Posts: 168 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oceanside
gma56
♀ 19595
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Cluless)))
The timing always sucks when it comes to an A. FT did similar, I had gone through the loss of 3 members of my family and 2 close friends in a year and half. The next year I found out he was cheating 4 mo after my Mom died.

If you can't forgive then it's time to get in IC and start detaching. You gave the gift of R to him and he still wasn't honest about the affair until you already knew the truth.
For me when the trust was broken, I couldn't stay married to him.


Your WH is trying to justify his wrong decisions and blaming you. Typical from an unremorseful WS.

I can't forgive this, there is no way. Everybody says revenge sex won't help, I think it will. Because then he can feel it to his core just like me. THEN we maybe able to save this marriage.

Revenge sex will not make him hurt as you do. He has already detached from you enough to have made the decision to cheat and lie. He can't feel the kind of pain you are in right now. It definetely won't save you marriage.

Hugs and you will get through this shitstorm WH gave you.
Gma



BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20387 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
PhantomLimb
♀ 39668
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Revenge sex will not make him hurt as you do. He has already detached from you enough to have made the decision to cheat and lie. He can't feel the kind of pain you are in right now. It definetely won't save you marriage.

This is perfectly stated.

I was shocked the last time WS and I had sex. He was completely detached. It was like I was just an object. Frankly, I feel like it was an assault he was so aggressive and distant.

That's not to say that your WS would be the same-- but it is to confirm that when they are not remorseful, they are already gone. That was always the hardest thing for me to hear from others and for me to accept. That he was gone.

Sex will not mean the same thing to him. It will not punish him. He will not hurt in the way that you are.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 11:45 PM, October 14th (Monday)]


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Revenge sex won't hurt him because he doesn't seem to love you anymore. He won't care. All it will do is mess up your head & make you hate yourself for lowering yourself to his level.

It's okay to get a divorce because your spouse cheated on you. Let your revenge be a life well lived.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10032 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
gma56
♀ 19595
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sex will not mean the same thing to him. It will not punish him. He will not hurt in the way that you are.
Exactly. You having sex for revenge will justify in his screwed up brain that his cheating was a good decision because you did it too. Like my Mom always said. Two wrongs won't make a right.


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20387 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
Vulcanized
♀ 33523
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You having sex for revenge will justify in his screwed up brain that his cheating was a good decision because you did it too.

Yup. I did just that. XH isn't aware, and if he was, I don't think it'd hurt him. Just justify his bullshit reason why it was ok for him to do it the first time (and all the others). Add to that the guilt that you will feel, and as much as you try to feel right about it, you won't. I wound up feeling like a bigger pile of dogshit than XH. He was just ... broken. I was vengeful.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 773 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
PhantomLimb
♀ 39668
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 2:02 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, the last time we had sex was right before DDay. I found out about the A three days later. The first thing out of my mouth after he admitted it was "What the hell was THAT???". He knew I was talking about the last time we were together. The experience was that bad.

Had I known about the A, I would have NEVER NEVER NEVER EVER let him touch me. Because, even though I still loved him, even though I wanted R, even though I was crushed... I would NOT let that man feel like he deserved me. He needed to prove it first. Just like when he met me for the first time. Back then, it took him 6 months to get me to go on a date with him, never mind sleep with him. So why would I let someone who just did the worst thing imaginable touch me in that way?

I get hysterical bonding. I get revenge sex. This is not a good context for it, I'm afraid. Hysterically bond if you are in R. Have revenge sex with an ex-boyfriend if he dumped you and then shows up at your door a few weeks later. But don't degrade yourself by giving an unremorseful spouse the privilege of intimacy with you. He has violated any right to that.

In the end, I broke it down this way for myself: I thought he was special. I thought our M was special. So I wasn't going to dishonor it by turning sex into something it shouldn't be. That's what HE did. That's not what I do.

There are MUCH better ways to show you are powerful here.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 2:04 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)]


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
cluless
♀ 40538
Member # 40538
Sad  Posted: 11:40 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even after all of this, I just wanted his body next to mine to sleep. He DENIED me, saying I said too many hurtful things to him.

He is remorseful, BUT he really doesn't get the depth that he has destroyed our family. He tries to tell me that when he started his A he was still in love with me. I challenged him on this fact, there is NO way you are in-love with your wife that is facing death for the 3rd time in 4 years and start an affair with an old girlfriend you weren't sure you were over.

He described her as looking like a 12 year old boy with fake boobs (anorexic) and yet he f..ed her at LEAST six times. I'm just fooling myself aren't I? All these people who are able to reconcile, they at least have a mature WH that is truly willing to do the work and stop with his past abusive behavior? I'm so scared, this is the first time out of 3 marriages that I actually loved my husband and it took me almost 15 years to completely trust him. It's just ruined isn't it?

Thanks for all your kind words. I have a lot of thinking to do. I told him last night after he rejected me for the 4th time in this month that I'm taking a week and staying away from him. Hitting Disneyland tomorrow, I will keep myself busy. I NEED time to think.


WH 57
BS 55 -- Me!
LTA EA/PA 1-1/2 years.
D-Day 8-12, 2nd D-Day 9-13, 3rd D-Day 10-13 (stopped counting tt still coming in)
Married 17 yrs, together 20.
MC & IC has been a JOKE.

Status: In careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels and starti


Posts: 168 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oceanside
Topic Posts: 8

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
adultry
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.