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14 year old DS acting out

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suposd2btheonly1 posted 10/14/2013 23:16 PM

My oldest will be 14 on the 1st. The last few months hes been hanging around some really terrible friends. We have been trying to keep him away from these kids but I know I cant watch over him at school. Hes been caught doing so many stupid things lately.

He was caught with weed in his room....3 times

Hes been trading out his stuff for other peoples stuff without consent from us, the parents who paid for his things.

He admitted to drinking a few times

He leaves and doesn't tell us then acts like he was right outside the house when we know he wasn't

The above is an example of him lying, which has become pretty habitual

I found an E-Cig in his room

Hes got money hidden all over his room and idk where it all came from. He does work on the weekends with one of the Hs best friends but that's another thing Ill get to below

He punched a hole in the wall, then punched it worse twice more so all the money hes making now he is giving us to pay for the wall repairs...that's why I don't know where the extra money is coming from

We found a can of spray paint in his room in a drawer with a painted Frisbee and a new towel that was obviously used during the painting of said Frisbee

H found burns on his bed sheets and various lighters all over his room

Found what looks to be cigarette sprinklings, like the stuff left in the bottom of the pack

Hes been caught sneaking out of his window

His grades are slowly slipping even though hes at school everyday and hes not usually a bad student

I'm heartbroken over the way hes been behaving. Hes such a talented athlete and a good, smart kid. I want to move him to a smaller town away from all his bad influence friends. If he doesn't get his grades up he wont be able to wrestle this season and baseball will be a whole other ordeal in the spring time. The only good friend he seems to have in his life his GF who is constantly riding his ass to straighten up.

He currently grounded until he repays all the money for the damages hes caused.

I want to think this is normal teenage behavior. He started up like this after 7th grade and worse when 8th grade started. Hes got the whole jock, popular, top dog of the school mentality. Hes the oldest and mean to his brothers all the time. Hes on ADHD meds but wont take them, I found them in the freaking dog food this morning, when he takes his meds he cuts out all the bad behavior.

Im at such a loss, I almost think I need to take him in to his doctor to see if she can help steer me in the right direction. We are going to start randomly drug testing him as well since we found weed in his room.

gma56 posted 10/15/2013 00:43 AM

I had an ADHD boy many years ago too. The meds were fairly new and he also refused to take them.
It was pure hell until the day he graduated and moved out.At 34 and a parent to two boys himself,he still has issues.

DS won't have to worry about being the top dog because he will lose the privilege of sports. DSS lost it all too.

...that's why I don't know where the extra money is coming from

This doesn't sound good at all. DSS was dealing out our garage and I caught him...

All I can say is fight for him, he's too young and dumb to know it's because you love him. I would be at the school several times a week talking to counselors, principal, get him in IC with sessions for both parents and DS, I was such a bitch, I took everything but bed, clothes, and cutains out of DSS's room. He had to earn things back. I made his life miserable for several years.All his teachers and principal knew EVERYTHING DSS was doing. I kept no secrets. He would whine and get angry. I would tell him not to do things that embarrassed himself.He could end the problems by changing his behavior.
When he was about 28, DSS asked me why I didn't strangle his butt when he was a teen? I told him I loved him and I wasn't going to give up.

All I can say don't give up and stay proactive in his life.
Big Hugs

suposd2btheonly1 posted 10/15/2013 02:10 AM

Thank you so much for your words. Its helps to hear from someone who has experienced this as well. It really hurts my heart to see him trying to be such a badass when I know he's good. I love him too much to give up on him, I just need to find the right direction and you helped steer me there.

Thank you so much Gma!

sunandmoon posted 10/15/2013 08:52 AM

This may be a too obvious thing to say but can you get him to the Dr. and start down the path for treating the issues at the center of the behaviors.

Yes, as they hit high school they are going to act out. But the list you provided seems like more than that IMHO. Kids with ADD and ADHD (have one myself) are very very high risk for addiction. Very high.

I would also consider touching base with the school counselor just to open a line of communication about what they are seeing in school?

I am a firm believer in taking the hard line. It's no fun but I feel like it is the difference between getting at something instead of doing damage control when the issue is full blown.

Thoughts and prayers for you and your DS.


suposd2btheonly1 posted 10/15/2013 09:11 AM

Thank you for your reply sunandmoon. It makes perfect sense that he would be more susceptible to addiction. I'm scheduling an appt with his dr today. I hate that I have to do this but I'm not going to allow him to screw his life up so young.

I caught him with weed, again, this morning. He was in the bathroom smoking when he should've been in the shower. He's so easy to catch because he's not very smart at trying to hide things and he's a terrible liar. I took it, flushed it and got rid of the paraphanelia. H came home from work to help me go through his room and pretty much gut it. Anywhere he can hide things or have hidden things will be removed. Were going as far as even taking his bed apart and leaving only the mattress. He's lucky to keep his dresser.

I can't believe my once blonde hair, blue eyed baby boy has chosen to follow such a terrible path.

sunandmoon posted 10/15/2013 09:37 AM


You are doing the right thing. One thing more than struck me- the things that he is "trading" or letting his friends have- is that in trade for drugs? If so, it may be time to take away anything of value. Also, ADD meds have "street value." He may be getting the extra cash from selling them?

I am praying that your Dr. will have good resources for you.


tushnurse posted 10/15/2013 09:39 AM

OH Boy. Sounds like a tough time.

ADHD kids are more prone to addiction, and self medicate with drugs and alcohol. You need to go hard line on this kid.

He gets absolutely no privacy. Door comes off his room, he has no phone, and no computer or internet time. He goes to school, he has daily reports/updates sent to you by teachers, he comes home, sits at the kitchen table, and does his schoolwork, he goes no where with no one until he starts to show that he is making smarter, better choices.

Take him to the Dr. If he is refusing his meds, then you need to find out if he is feeling a certain way on them, and if there is another option. I fight my ADHD 16 year old about his meds because he doesn't want to eat on them. He still is being made to take them.

I would also administer random testing, and I would find out if he is selling his meds to other students, as the "smart kids" like them because it acts as a stimulant for non ADHD kids, and allows them to stay up and study for hours on end.

He obviously doesn't give a shit about wrestling, so don't even use that as a leverage tool.

He gets his room in Military precsion organization, and will have daily inspections, and random ones. Check any and all possible hiding places for contraband. He also needs to be rewarded for every time his room is as it should be, and every completed assignment.

This is a very precarious age, and you are going to have to play hard ball to reign him back in, and always always always consider military school as an option. It has worked wonders for 2 of my colleagues friends.

((((and strength))))

Kelany posted 10/15/2013 09:46 AM

Is he in therapy? I would make that my top priority to be honest. This acting out goes a bit far in my opinion of "normal" behavior.

Maybe get a referral from your dr. for a psychologist/therapist. Maybe even ask the school guidance counselor.

Definitely strip the room. Honestly, I'd even take the door off. He's repeatedly broken your trust, he's not responsible enough for privacy. The thing is, if he gets in trouble and gets caught say at school or something? Going to a juvenile facility will be a whole lot worse than him having a stripped room.

Be prepared for him to act out about it though, with anger.

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