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Realizing that I am still stuck...

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badchoice posted 10/14/2013 23:47 PM

Right where I was months ago.

Still hoping that my BW will somehow consider R, and when I have get a clear realization that she will not, and that our S will lead to divorce, the swirl of emotions get hard to handle.

We still have not filed. I told my BW that we would wait until she got a job.

The last few weeks she has been having a hard time getting a business venture launched with her partner and I have been doing my best to give her support. BW has called me in a bad state, saying things like she can't go on, is depressed, having suicidal thoughts.

Those emotional conversations have brought me back to square one. Feeling guilty all over again, feeling like I am responsible for her happiness, feeling like I can make a difference in her life.

I asked her point blank last week if she ever thought things could be different, if she even would be open to getting back together, and after she thought for a minute, she said maybe if she could be brainwashed to forgetting everything, but baring that, no. So there is my answer. She wants to move on, and I want to find a way to move on, but I just cannot.

I just can't figure out a way to move on. How to grieve the loss of this relationship. The loss of my family.

The depression now is overwhelming at times (most of the time). A few weeks ago i felt like i was making progress, and then the calls from BW started about her struggles, and I feel like I have lost so much ground. I hate the idea of NC, I feel like NC will cut off all chances of R (even if logically I know that R is not going to happen). I also feel like I owe her all the support I can give her, even if it hurts me. I think that the fear of real NC is keeping me so stuck.

Is this me just thinking about me? My BW still says I am all about myself. I cringe when she says that, and I want to examine that, I know I can be selfish sometimes, but when do I put my healing in the whole mess. I want her to be happy and successful, BW does not believe me when I say that.

I just don;t know what to do.

NewWorldMan posted 10/15/2013 00:59 AM

Hi Badchoice,

You've helped me in the past. So I'd like to thank you for that. I wish I had some wisdom to impart. I don't have answers, but it struck me that we often seem to have answers for others, yet we can't figure out our own situations.

I can only tell you that as bad as things may seem to be, as long as you're working on making things better and doing "the next right thing", you'll be ok.

I got divorced recently. I'm not happy with where I am in life. I'm not happy with my choices. I'm feeling all sorts of guilt. Things could have been handled a whole lot better than they were. I did almost everything wrong.

But, I'm ok. My kids are ok. I believe my ex-wife is ok. I'm trying to rebuild. I don't even know if I'm doing it the right way.

I only know that for once in my life, I'm honest and living an authentic life. It feels good. I have no secrets. I'm doing what I can to take care of those I love. And I'm grateful that I'm still in a position to do so.

You can't erase the past. Nothing you can do will help your BS forget the past. You can't assuage your guilt. You just have to look to the future. Accept that what you did is the person you were before. Not the man you are now.

The casualty in all of this may be your marriage. That is a consequence we all might have to deal with.

I feel your pain brother.

PM me if you want to discuss further

BaxtersBFF posted 10/15/2013 06:49 AM

NC in this case wouldn't be just for you. If your BW is still calling you, then that seems to be to be a problem. She is opening that door to the painful stuff again.

It sort of sounds like this new business venture of hers is almost like an escape for her, yet, when it looks like it is going to fail, she goes back to you, and she lets out more of her pain on you, when really it is something that you don't have control over (meaning her business venture), but you are the primary source of her pain, so she goes to what she knows.

Somehow or other, you have to stop that cycle. She needs to stop it really. If there is no chance for R, then for her own sake, there should be NC, except for kids and finances.

Is she dealing with her shit? is she getting help for the stuff you've put her through?

DixieD posted 10/15/2013 09:45 AM

FWIW, as a BS, I agree with Baxter.

I just can't figure out a way to move on. How to grieve the loss of this relationship. The loss of my family.

IMO, you won't be able to as long as you remain your BW's emotional sounding board and go-to guy.

BC, you remind me of my husband, and I know if I'd chosen not to R and we had separated he would have done exactly what you are doing. I also think it wouldn't have been healthy for him and it wouldn't have been healthy for me either. But, I don't want to project my POV onto you or your family.

You and your BW are in a tough spot. I'm sorry you are both hurting.

badchoice posted 10/15/2013 09:59 AM

Thanks for the feedback, all of you.

I think I know that this is the answer, but I am not ready to give up this last bit of connection with my BW yet. I think in the back of my mind, giving this up will put more distance between us, even though I can feel the emotional pain that this contact is putting me through.

I even told BW that the contact is painful - that I love the closeness that it affords us, but it is painful to feel so close yet so far away.

I also have to realize that I am not her main go-to person for support. She has a friend staying with her since saturday, and since then she has not reach out to me, so that also hurts, knowing she only calls me when she has no one else to reach out to. Just typing that last line makes me very sad.

I just have so much guilt - I feel like I owe it to her to be available to her. I am also very aware that it is very unhealthy.

Baxter-BW is in IC, plus other support groups, but I do not know what she has been working on. I personally think she jumped into the business relationship too fast without getting emotional strong enough to deal with the stress involved, but that is me projecting.

I need to figure out what to do. I also need to figure out what to do in regards to next steps towards D. Here is something I need advice on as well. I left the filing open ended-we discussed waiting until she is more self supporting-but this emotional, and finical support I not changing anytime soon. Health insurance was one of the main reasons why we said we would wait.

Should there be a timeline in place? I know that even if she did start working I would pay CS, and some SS - but I am sure it would be less than what I am paying now. We have been separated for over a year, I don't think either of us want to have this next conversation.

breakingpoint posted 10/15/2013 18:50 PM

It sounds like you are both in extreme pain right now. You aren't alone, I am pretty miserable myself these days.

But there is one thing I do know. You nor she should make life choices at rock bottom. How can someone be rational while in extreme depression? I think its impossible.

Is there a way to put off big decisions until everyone is stable? She doesn't sound ready for R by any means, but what about just being for a little bit? See what life looks like when the clouds clear a little?

I think it would be good for her not to stress and just grieve and rebuild.

Easier said than done, I know.

[This message edited by breakingpoint at 6:51 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]

badchoice posted 10/15/2013 22:59 PM

breakingpoint - thanks for your perspective.

I am trying to get her to set back and take some time for herself to heal and get strong, but her fears about money is making her feel like she needs to work now.

She is hitting rock bottom, and I feel so helpless that I cannot make things better for her.

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