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It's just weird...

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TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/15/2013 05:33 AM

This has been the week of physical side effects.
We are a little over two months out from d day and have been doing our "work." A lot of self discovery on both our parts, transparency, talking ALOT, etc. I can see that he is dealing with the remorse and it is very hard for him. Wish I could help him more, but I just can't.
I digress.
So we have been doing as well as can be expected- I have been able to breathe, I've made it through a day without crying, and I have even laughed a little. Hope is present, as well as caution, but I feel we have taken some great steps forward.
So... Wednesday morning I wake up feeling off. And then I vomit. Shake it off, shower and tryto go to work. Barely lasted an hour and I am home with what feels like the flu. About half an hour later, he calls- he got sick at work and is headed home. How romantic! So we spend the entire afternoon together, splitting headaches, aching bodies. It was miserable. But I the not so sick moments, we really enjoyed just being together.
Still feeling good emotionally and the illness fades the next day.
Then the nightmares started. For the last three nights, I have woken up from nightmares about the A- crying and trying to hit him- hating him as he tries to comfort me- "it's okay, just a dream" he says, half asleep. EFF you- it wasn't just a dream- that doesn't work anymore. But, I shake off the dream, remember we are in R, and calm down a little. But weird, NOW with nightmares when things are going well?
Then, yesterday, again... All calm and peaceful, getting ready for a day with the kids- I have a full on anxiety attack. Drops me to my knees, heart pounding through my chest, hurts so bad my back teeth are aching and I can't sit up. Haven't had one of these in years, and never this intense.
He laid me down, put his hand on my heart and rubbed my shoulders until my heart stopped trying to jump out of my chest and throat. I could see he was scared. I could see he felt so guilty.
It's been hard these past few days, because its been good. I don't fear hell cheat again. Maybe he will someday- I have no idea. And I can't stop it if he does. But this stage, where he feels so much remorse, is hard for me. I feel disconnected when we are not talking about some aspect of the A- not details but just "taking" about stuff. When we talk and discover, it's great. But I just feel weird during all the other times. Like maybe we are faking it. I am happy to be with him, it's just .... Weird now. How do I accept my new role now that he is discovering all these ways he treated me poorly for years and especially more recently. Do I just say, "I'm glad you acknowledge it" and move on? What do we DO with it?
I am just babbling now. Lately I have brought my babblings to him, and he is so receptive. But this one is so disjointed, I wouldn't even know how to talk about it. Because I can't even pinpoint what's going on.
Aaa argh. Thanks for listening. Not sure what I was looking for, but had to get the thoughts out.

devasted30 posted 10/15/2013 06:46 AM

Good Morning Wondertwin
You are still very new to this - your new normal. I don't think you should panic too much as this and so much more is heading your way. Emotions run wild and that's probably an understatement. Continue reading and see what other people have gone through. Lossing weight, hair, confidence etc etc etc.
Try not to be so hard on yourself. It is going to take you a very long time to to adjust to this.
I am sorry you have joined me in this, our incredible journey. Sometimes, life is just not fair. Be good to yourself and realize that it will take many many months to just get to where you can breath normally and live your life without panic. Good Luck

[This message edited by devasted30 at 6:47 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)]

brokensmile322 posted 10/15/2013 07:04 AM

Hi Wondertwin...

You are two months out. Very new and raw still. The first year is filled with an overflow of emotions, sometimes all at once, and very intense.

Try to just cruise. I remember being where you are. You are trying to SOLVE it. You just want to make sense of the A, all the emotions and of what the future will hold for you.

You can't.

You actually need to feel all the things you are feeling. You need to process all the thoughts and feelings.

Instead of trying to solve it and trying to make sense of it (something I think we all do)...Can you just BE in it? I wish someone would have told me this myself. Realize this is a long process. It's ok to not have all the answers right now. It's ok to not make any decisions right now. Just BE.

bionicgal posted 10/15/2013 07:04 AM

I relate so much with what you are saying. Are you guys in MC? Reading together? Doing things together?

I ask just because I feel the same way sometimes. . . connected when we are talking about the A, but a little panicky when we are not. We are 4 months out, and when left alone (even at work) i feel this weird sense of neediness and desire to focus on the A all the time. I think it is to be expected. And I also think that paradoxically dealing with the A connects us. So, we look for other ways to connect, like taking yoga classes, exercising, reading, emailing, etc.

This R business is a wild ride. I started hitting some rage about your point, but your mileage may vary. Then, we'd have some truly intimate moments. It has been totally worth it, but the hardest thing I've ever done.

Stick around, you'll find lots of support here.

heartache101 posted 10/15/2013 07:18 AM

I stomped in my sleep and hit for up to a year! Screamed in my sleep I guess I released alot of built up anger?
Knowing what I know now I would go to therapy and have EMDR therapy.
I lost alot of sleep the first year.

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/15/2013 09:39 AM

You are trying to SOLVE it. You just want to make sense of the A, all the emotions and of what the future will hold for you.

You can't.

wow. That just described me to a T. It helped me get a different perspective on it, too. I guess I felt like we were making such progress for a little bit, and now we are trying to intergrate ourselves back into "real life" with the kids and work and the daily grind and "hanging out" on the weekends. It is almost like I felt like because we weren't making huge steps every converstaion, we had petered out. Sometimes I just need a few "I can relates" to help me get back on track.

We are 4 months out, and when left alone (even at work) i feel this weird sense of neediness and desire to focus on the A all the time.

Yes, yes yes. I actually find myself "looking" for questions to ask- then I ask myself if I really want to ask them or if I just want "something" to talk about in the hope that we will make some new revelation.


Screamed in my sleep I guess I released alot of built up anger?
Knowing what I know now I would go to therapy and have EMDR therapy.

I am not sure what EMDR therapy is (something with sleep?) . I have been good on sleep up until now. And the nightmares are short and over fairly quickly, its just a new thing, I guess.
But, my other question is this-

I have never been an angry person. EVer. REally. I did have a few rages during the first two months, surprised the crap out of me and him, but I my friends here advised, "let it rip" and went with it. It did move us to a new place.
But I am concerned because a few people have mentioned that 'now" is when their rage set in...I know we are all different, but...
is another one coming? I know you can't answer that. But- I am concerned because I feel like he KNOWS how hurt I am, he KNOWS all of the things that he did...we do talk and he holds me when I cry, etc. etc....
Is this new rage I keep hearing about (not feeling yet, and im a little worried) going to completely undo all that we have done up til now?

I am babbling again.
Thank you friends...
I wasn't posting for a while because I thought "Im in a good place". And then...I get all weird again. It is so nice to know people understand.

What super fun this whole thing is.

NoReGrets posted 10/15/2013 10:23 AM

I used to get horrible dreams almost daily, and with time, they started to subside a little, but they would still come. Especially early on, I think the pain so still so raw that our conscious state of mind cannot bear it, so it releases itself in our sleep when we don't have full control. I think it may be a way for our brains to process and deal with the pain. I remember all too well the first few months, and it was just too unbearable for me to even breathe.

I know we all hate the four-letter word, but TIME truly does make it easier. I also remember wanting to reach into my screen and scratch that word out every time I came across it.

neverdidithink posted 10/15/2013 11:31 AM

Twinnie, You've been given all the good advice already but I wanted to chime in with my support and another BTDT.

H is traveling again and communication is sporadic and often brief. In some ways this makes me feel disconnected and a little lost. It seems as though we're going backward just because we're not actively working on the fallout. I know that's not really the case, but I too am a problem solver and damn if I can solve this particular "problem".

The nightmares must be awful. I have no experience there as I seem to get them out of the way during the day with the constant daymares/mind movies.

I'm thrilled to hear WH continues to be supportive and understanding. I think it's perfectly acceptable to say "thanks for seeing how your actions affected me" or the like.

I know you're hoping to move this process along quickly and find some sense of balance, but this one's out of your control. Continue to communicate with him, post here to sort through everything in your head, and be gentle to yourself. You'll get there when it's time.

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/15/2013 14:48 PM

Thank you all my friends...
I know- I know all of what you just said, I do. sometimes I just need to be talked through it a little.

And I gotta tell you...two words that I am REALLY beginning to hate? "Time" and "Process".
Seriously? I say both of them at least 150 times a day.

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