I thought I had stopped pretending. I was wrong.
Me- BS 41
Him- WS 38 and STBX
2 DS- 15 and 16
DDay 1- 07-24-2013
DDay 2: EA w/CoW, 06-15-2017
[This message edited by devasted30 at 6:47 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)]
You are two months out. Very new and raw still. The first year is filled with an overflow of emotions, sometimes all at once, and very intense.
Try to just cruise. I remember being where you are. You are trying to SOLVE it. You just want to make sense of the A, all the emotions and of what the future will hold for you.
You actually need to feel all the things you are feeling. You need to process all the thoughts and feelings.
Instead of trying to solve it and trying to make sense of it (something I think we all do)...Can you just BE in it? I wish someone would have told me this myself. Realize this is a long process. It's ok to not have all the answers right now. It's ok to not make any decisions right now. Just BE.
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl
"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."
I ask just because I feel the same way sometimes. . . connected when we are talking about the A, but a little panicky when we are not. We are 4 months out, and when left alone (even at work) i feel this weird sense of neediness and desire to focus on the A all the time. I think it is to be expected. And I also think that paradoxically dealing with the A connects us. So, we look for other ways to connect, like taking yoga classes, exercising, reading, emailing, etc.
This R business is a wild ride. I started hitting some rage about your point, but your mileage may vary. Then, we'd have some truly intimate moments. It has been totally worth it, but the hardest thing I've ever done.
Stick around, you'll find lots of support here.
You are trying to SOLVE it. You just want to make sense of the A, all the emotions and of what the future will hold for you.
wow. That just described me to a T. It helped me get a different perspective on it, too. I guess I felt like we were making such progress for a little bit, and now we are trying to intergrate ourselves back into "real life" with the kids and work and the daily grind and "hanging out" on the weekends. It is almost like I felt like because we weren't making huge steps every converstaion, we had petered out. Sometimes I just need a few "I can relates" to help me get back on track.
We are 4 months out, and when left alone (even at work) i feel this weird sense of neediness and desire to focus on the A all the time.
Yes, yes yes. I actually find myself "looking" for questions to ask- then I ask myself if I really want to ask them or if I just want "something" to talk about in the hope that we will make some new revelation.
Screamed in my sleep I guess I released alot of built up anger?
Knowing what I know now I would go to therapy and have EMDR therapy.
I am not sure what EMDR therapy is (something with sleep?) . I have been good on sleep up until now. And the nightmares are short and over fairly quickly, its just a new thing, I guess.
But, my other question is this-
I have never been an angry person. EVer. REally. I did have a few rages during the first two months, surprised the crap out of me and him, but I did...as my friends here advised, "let it rip" and went with it. It did move us to a new place.
But I am concerned because a few people have mentioned that 'now" is when their rage set in...I know we are all different, but...
is another one coming? I know you can't answer that. But- I am concerned because I feel like he KNOWS how hurt I am, he KNOWS all of the things that he did...we do talk and he holds me when I cry, etc. etc....
Is this new rage I keep hearing about (not feeling yet, and im a little worried) going to completely undo all that we have done up til now?
I am babbling again.
Thank you friends...
I wasn't posting for a while because I thought "Im in a good place". And then...I get all weird again. It is so nice to know people understand.
What super fun this whole thing is.
I know we all hate the four-letter word, but TIME truly does make it easier. I also remember wanting to reach into my screen and scratch that word out every time I came across it.
H is traveling again and communication is sporadic and often brief. In some ways this makes me feel disconnected and a little lost. It seems as though we're going backward just because we're not actively working on the fallout. I know that's not really the case, but I too am a problem solver and damn if I can solve this particular "problem".
The nightmares must be awful. I have no experience there as I seem to get them out of the way during the day with the constant daymares/mind movies.
I'm thrilled to hear WH continues to be supportive and understanding. I think it's perfectly acceptable to say "thanks for seeing how your actions affected me" or the like.
I know you're hoping to move this process along quickly and find some sense of balance, but this one's out of your control. Continue to communicate with him, post here to sort through everything in your head, and be gentle to yourself. You'll get there when it's time.
And I gotta tell you...two words that I am REALLY beginning to hate? "Time" and "Process".
Seriously? I say both of them at least 150 times a day.