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IndianDreams posted 10/15/2013 07:10 AM

I feel a bit of a fraud for even being here. I haven't been married a billion years, we don't have any kids together. He hasn't used his fists with me and I'm not even sure he's ever slept with anyone else. But, as I am just learning this is all actually part of the control dance we've been doing for the last 3 years.
I saw red flags just 3 months into this nightmare journey I've been stuck in. I found a fb message to another woman saying 'you look fit as fcuk...if only'. I should have walked then. I should have walked when he offered me out for threesome to people we'd just met. If not the first time then the second but definitely the third, you'd think? Perhaps when the aggression always present towards his 3 kids became directed towards me & he threw a can at me and banged the bedroom door into me repeatedly? I did attempt to get away, eventually & he feigned suicide with just his kids present. I ignored his attempts at emotional blackmail & the silly sod almost managed killing himself by mistake. I took him back in as him & the kids were homeless, after a month and he rewarded me with telling me he was taking the kids to their grans for the weekend & feckin off to another woman's house instead. A woman who had been messaging him, trying to get him to see her behind my back previously.
He swore on the kids they were just friends and he was so sorry he lied. He got him and the kids a house and we agreed to start again, dating, while he proved I was the love of his life. A week later I found texts between him and yet another woman.
It's over now. I've gone no contact.

HeartInADustpan posted 10/15/2013 07:28 AM

Welcome to SI, IndianDreams.

I'm sorry you find yourself here. I want to say DO NOT minimize your situation and your pain. I've done it before myself and it never turns out well. What he is doing is wrong, what you feel is important. Don't tell yourself "Well, it's not that bad" or "It could be worse" because it is not fair to you.

If you haven't already, check out the Healing Library in the top left. Lots of FAQ's that helped me in the early days.

Hang in there.

MovingUpward posted 10/15/2013 07:31 AM


I am glad to hear that he has his own place and you've gone no contact. From what you wrote here there is much to stay away from at least at the moment.

From what you have stated it sounds like he was contacting other women inappropriately. It could be on a level of what many would call an Emotion Affair (EA) instead of a physical one. The feelings of betrayal also exist with EAs too so don't feel like you don't belong here in dealing with any feelings.

When you are up to it, it would be helpful to understand what feelings you are experiencing and trying to deal with at the moment, so that the members can best assist you .

IndianDreams posted 10/15/2013 12:35 PM

Thanks for your replies x
I feel like I'm doing ok for about a minute (it was 30 seconds) then I remember seeing the texts between him & the latest OW and another massive wave of pain hits me & I feel like I'm going to die.
Other times I start to miss him & feel overwhelming sadness until I force myself to remember all the shitty things he's put me through to get what he wants at my expense.
I'm starting to be able to function again. I'm back at work but the pain comes out of the blue to floor me when I least need it

MovingUpward posted 10/15/2013 13:00 PM

I do remember days like that when I was first dealing with the effects of my wife's infidelity. I found it helped to talk it out. Otherwise just trying to push through day after day. It did get better but it seems like such baby steps.

Skan posted 10/15/2013 13:33 PM

You are on what we not so lovingly call the rollercoaster. And you're going to be on it for a while. Your WFB bought you a ticket for it and locked you into a car. These waves will come and go, frequently and irratically, for some time. The important thing to know is that what you're feeling is normal. You're not going crazy althought you may feel that you are. You will be doing OK and then BAM. It's like a train hit you again. And there you stand, dazed, confused, bleeding, and completely bewildered weaping with pain. This is, unfortunately, normal. And it's unfortunately going to be your new normal for a while.

You need to take very good, loving care of yourself. Eat what you're able to many people lose double-digits on the infidelity diet. Stay hydrated, and we mean water, not booze. Sleep as much as possible. Give yourself a chance to heal. Be kind to yourself.

And remember, 1) NC No New Hurts. 2) We're all here for you. Post often, vent away, reach out. (((hugs)))

headdesk posted 10/15/2013 13:34 PM

What he's doing is flat out abuse. Please also examine that along with infidelity issues.

Your pain is real and legitimate.

IndianDreams posted 10/15/2013 13:47 PM

the more I examine our relationship the more I realize just how much I put up with, how I would state my boundaries very clearly yet all I did was rant for a bit then forget all about what he'd done This has totally enabled him to walk all over me.
I did this to me by not walking away
So, why the hell does some sick part of me miss him?

[This message edited by IndianDreams at 1:48 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]

SerJR posted 10/15/2013 16:09 PM

So, why the hell does some sick part of me miss him?

Do you miss him, or are you afraid to be alone? There is a big difference.

jjct posted 10/15/2013 17:30 PM

A large portion of the 'sick part' was made ill by his abuse, and you are doing well to keep remembering his abuse of you for strength to get away.
Keep remembering his crappy behavior when you're feeling weak.

It's common for abusers to create dependence and isolation in their victims - so if you have friends or family, it's a good idea to try to connect with them for support as well (or re-connect).

Sometimes we stay on 'down elevators' because we're used to going down. It's familiar.

Hop off. Go NC.
Sending you tons of strength!

IndianDreams posted 10/16/2013 03:35 AM

Of course it wasn't all bad. He drip fed me enough good times to keep me hooked and I feel like its that side of him & all the wasted possibilities that I'm feeling sad about loosing. I miss what we could have had & what I was holding out for, not the reality of what really was.
I'm so used to him & the kids being a part of my life & probably got so used to the daily dramas they brought to my life that in some odd way I miss it because it's always been there

IndianDreams posted 10/16/2013 04:02 AM

He's still trying to control me from afar. I had a police mediator attend my house last week while he collect stuff from his sheds and we'd arranged via her that he would collect the last bits & dismantle his sheds mon & tues of this week while I was out at work. As I expected he didn't turn up & now I'm on tenterhooks cos if he turns up at my house now I'll have to go through all the drama of calling the police to remove him. This is what he wants. It's all about him proving he calls the shots, I do as HE says & he can do what he wants when he wants or I have to step in to the role he likes me to play - bad cop.

jjct posted 10/16/2013 06:51 AM

It's predictable isn't it?

You'll get to where you enjoy being the bad cop, because it means you're maintaining healthy boundaries.

Go for it.

Do you have any other support?
I sure hope so.

MovingUpward posted 10/16/2013 07:27 AM

I'm on tenterhooks cos if he turns up at my house now I'll have to go through all the drama of calling the police to remove him

You are recognizing his manipulations. Don't feel bad for him. Stay consistent and maintain your boundaries. Keep a journal of all of this stuff. Make sure to get any agreements in writing like this agreement for him to come back on Mon or Tues to get the sheds. This will help you protect yourself from his control attempts.

IndianDreams posted 10/16/2013 11:22 AM

I'm hurting so much. I found a ripped condom packet in the garden under our bedroom window
The thought of him being with someone else is destroying me from the inside out. The not knowing for sure if he's had a full on PA with anyone else is driving me mad. I'm wading trough years of half truths & full blown lies and I'm drowning in misery

hardtimesinlife posted 10/16/2013 11:27 AM

I know it hurts, IndianDreams. Big hugs.

Breathe in and out slowly.
Drink 8 oz of water.
Eat a little something.
Go for a walk.

This intense pain will pass and with each bout you are getting stronger. Lean on us.

IndianDreams posted 10/17/2013 03:41 AM

I had a horrible evening last night, tormenting myself, running over everything in my head & getting myself into that terrible head space where it all felt too much again.
I wanted to email the latest OW and ask her if they we're really just 'friends' like he says. I wanted to fb message the OW he went to stay with last month & ask her what really went on. I wanted answers. I wanted to stop guessing & finally know the truth so I can stop hoping I've got all this wrong.
Then a friend called & invited me out for a drink. My head took over from my tormented heart & dragged my ass out & reminded me he's a fuckwit & I SAW the texts. It did happen.

NoAnswers37 posted 10/17/2013 04:28 AM

Hi ID,

I think your gut knows what happened and I am so sorry you are going through this.

You can get through this - just please drink water and TALK about how you are feeling. Whether it be with a trusted friend or on here or in IC.

Well done on the NC. I am in the same boat with my ex and yes, it leaves a million questions unanswered, but I now know that any contact will do more harm than good. You know what he has done is wrong, so now it is time to focus on you.

Stay strong and let us know how you are getting on x

IndianDreams posted 10/17/2013 04:34 AM

I can't afford IC. I'm 2 months behind with the rent. Have bills coming out of my ears & with all the time off work I'm not earning enough to live on.
I'm going to ring the docs and make an appt to get tested for stds & maybe get sleeping tablets. I'll see if there is any IC I can get through them.

NoAnswers37 posted 10/17/2013 04:39 AM

Yes, a doc appointment sounds like the best idea. I see you're from England (me too!) so there will be services offered on the NHS for IC - there may be a bit of a wait but if you tell your GP that you need help, fast, then maybe they can help speed up the process for you.

Or are there any IC services offered through your employment? RE the rent - can you speak to citizens advice about your finances? I am so sorry you have this worry on top of everything else. Or is there a family member who can help you a bit with the payments?

Very good idea getting tested - you do sound like you are in 'protect me' mode, so you can get through this.

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