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drowningheart posted 10/15/2013 07:22 AM

Brief recap. H was having EA with someone he met through work but not 'at' work. Found out when our youngest child was 9 weeks old in 2010, had been going on a year by then. Found several secret phones he used to keep in touch with her over the next 2 years, the last one he had bought weeks before but never even used as he actually decided it wasn't the right thing to do. A year last May since there was any evidence of contact with her, she tried to contact him on a phone I have complete access to. A missed call from her he ignored and I couldn't find any evidence of anything else.

Since a year last May things have changed. Good days/weeks and bad. Like all relationships trying to R. H has gradually got better at reassuring me etc, still happy enough not having any access to our money etc and having a phone I can keep tabs on.

Recently I have been diagnosed with inflammation of the ligaments and tendons etc, fibromyalgia after suffering for about a year. It is very painful. He has been so supportive and helped me loads, done more to help with the kids and house etc, had time off work when I need him. He really doesn't do anything 'wrong' anymore, even down to the 'silly' things like no texting me that he 'misses me' anymore or calling me 'beautiful' like he did with her. If it slips and he does call me beautiful, he hold my head in his hands and looks into my eyes and tells me he is sorry etc (and i can tell he beats himself up for the rest of the day about it) He even changed jobs, keeps a track of the petrol and mileage on the car so I know where he has been (he offered to do this I didn't ask him to)

But... I just don't know if I can live with things anymore. I don't know what to do. It's not that I don't want HER to have him, if he left then she is welcome to him, I would have been the one who let him go and find her again and that's that. It's not even that I think I can't manage without him, I know I can. There was a time I thought I couldn't but not anymore. There are days where my pain is immense but I am more kind and forgiving to myself these days. The consultant said that massive stress might have caused/aggravated my condition. H blames himself. I don't really. I have held enough to blame against him. I want to feel well again and blaming him will make me feel worse. I haven't forgiven him. I have told him I probably never will.

I am not sure I can live with the constant doubt that he will hurt me again. WTF is wrong with me?? its been 18 months since she last tried to contact him (on a phone I have access to) He keeps saying its me he wants to be with forever, nobody else. He always tells me he loves me. He has given up everything that upset me and doing things that trigger me, even things he loved, because he says he loves me more and wants it to work.

I just.....I don't know..... After all this fighting, I have lost the strength to do anything anymore......

I love him. I really do. I don't want to have to live without him. But I don't know how to live 'with' him either. Or live with our past is more the issue I suppose. I don't even know why I am posting really. I just with someone had a magic wand.......

Sorry...and thank you if you have read this far without falling asleep......

Love to you all x

LAFA posted 10/15/2013 07:41 AM

I haven't any real super advice to give, but I did want to let you know you have been heard. You needn't feel guilty after attempting R if the A winds up being a deal breaker. Sometimes it just is. That is within you, and if it is, accept it and move on. I wish you peace.

[This message edited by LAFA at 7:41 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)]

Raven96 posted 10/15/2013 07:47 AM

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. I think it's normal.

Is there any way you can take a break? Do you have a friend you can get away with for a weekend to regroup? You sounds like you have a lot on your plate, and it might be catching up with you. I'm not saying your feelings will magically change, but maybe you just need to take a breather.

Other people will have far better advice than me. I just know that getting away to clear my head once in awhile does wonders for me.

(((drowningheart)))

sisoon posted 10/15/2013 07:57 AM

I'm biased toward R, so take this post with a grain of salt.

R takes a lot of attention. A baby takes even more attention, and a baby needs attention immediately. Worse, a baby is exhausting to care for.

In other words, May, '12 - October, '13 is a lot less time devoted to R for you than for most folks, so it makes sense for you to feel less far along than you want to be.

What have you and your H done to heal? Are you in MC? Are you and or he in IC? Have you gotten your questions answered? Do you have a list of requirements for R, and does he know them? Do you have a shared vision of what you want your M to be?

If the answer to my questions is mainly 'no', I understand. But R requires doing all - or at least most - of what I ask about. Since you have only so much energy available, you've got to R extra time, IMO.

I can't help thinking that he's stopped dysfunctional behavior, and his words are supportive, but he's not actually doing tings that support you. If that's the case, that probably explains some of your blah-ness. That where reqs for R ad a vision for your M come in - you can match what you're both doing against the reqs and vision and adjust as you go along.

If you're not in MC, can you arrange some sessions? If your H isn't in IC, how come?

I'm saying, 'Don't give up on R yet' because you sound really weary, and 'weary' is a lot different from 'done'.

[This message edited by sisoon at 8:01 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)]

drowningheart posted 10/15/2013 10:00 AM

Thank you. I have nowhere I can go to. I have no friends I can go away with. We tried MC but found them to be very biased with things and didn't find it helpful. We left there feeling like they MC was actually blaming ME for what happened. Even H said it felt like that. But then when we were going through the MC he was still messing around, so he wasn't really being true in what he was saying. I have done IC and haven't found it helpful.

TrustGone posted 10/15/2013 10:35 AM

It sounds like you have been going through this for a long time with no support other than the person who betrayed you. Please try and post more to help get you the support you need. I know that by posting and getting other's perspectives it really helps when you are having doubts about R. I am not much on IC myself and the few I have went to have not been really helpful with infidelity issues. Many say that you have to find the right one and I will not debate that. I also have major health issues that were esculated by my WH#2's A and have had some helpful advice given also related to that from some of the SI posters. Sometimes it just helps to get it all out and vent and I have a few SI posters that let me do that with them. Just try not to hold it all in or it will eat at you. (((HUGS)))

sisoon posted 10/15/2013 12:57 PM

What would be helpful to you?

If you can't answer this question, you might be depressed, and ADs could help. Also, there are different and better Cs out there who could be worth looking for.

drowningheart posted 10/16/2013 04:04 AM

What would be helpful to me?...closure. I just want to be able to draw a line under it all and start again.

sisoon posted 10/16/2013 14:25 PM

What would be helpful to me?...closure.

OK. So you know what you want, and you can't get it yet, which probably means you've got thoughts and feelings that are keeping you from closure.

If you start identifying the obstacles to closing this out, you can start knocking them down and, eventually, get to where you want to go. (It's a lot easier said than done, so if this seems like a daunting journey, you're right - but I suspect you either go on the journey or stay stuck, both of which are painful.)

I think posting here can help a lot, but I think it'll go faster with face to face help - IC. (But I'm biased toward C as well as R, so YMMV. )

Hang in - just knowing what you want is a start at getting it.

[This message edited by sisoon at 2:28 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]