Brief recap. H was having EA with someone he met through work but not 'at' work. Found out when our youngest child was 9 weeks old in 2010, had been going on a year by then. Found several secret phones he used to keep in touch with her over the next 2 years, the last one he had bought weeks before but never even used as he actually decided it wasn't the right thing to do. A year last May since there was any evidence of contact with her, she tried to contact him on a phone I have complete access to. A missed call from her he ignored and I couldn't find any evidence of anything else.
Since a year last May things have changed. Good days/weeks and bad. Like all relationships trying to R. H has gradually got better at reassuring me etc, still happy enough not having any access to our money etc and having a phone I can keep tabs on.
Recently I have been diagnosed with inflammation of the ligaments and tendons etc, fibromyalgia after suffering for about a year. It is very painful. He has been so supportive and helped me loads, done more to help with the kids and house etc, had time off work when I need him. He really doesn't do anything 'wrong' anymore, even down to the 'silly' things like no texting me that he 'misses me' anymore or calling me 'beautiful' like he did with her. If it slips and he does call me beautiful, he hold my head in his hands and looks into my eyes and tells me he is sorry etc (and i can tell he beats himself up for the rest of the day about it) He even changed jobs, keeps a track of the petrol and mileage on the car so I know where he has been (he offered to do this I didn't ask him to)
But... I just don't know if I can live with things anymore. I don't know what to do. It's not that I don't want HER to have him, if he left then she is welcome to him, I would have been the one who let him go and find her again and that's that. It's not even that I think I can't manage without him, I know I can. There was a time I thought I couldn't but not anymore. There are days where my pain is immense but I am more kind and forgiving to myself these days. The consultant said that massive stress might have caused/aggravated my condition. H blames himself. I don't really. I have held enough to blame against him. I want to feel well again and blaming him will make me feel worse. I haven't forgiven him. I have told him I probably never will.
I am not sure I can live with the constant doubt that he will hurt me again. WTF is wrong with me?? its been 18 months since she last tried to contact him (on a phone I have access to) He keeps saying its me he wants to be with forever, nobody else. He always tells me he loves me. He has given up everything that upset me and doing things that trigger me, even things he loved, because he says he loves me more and wants it to work.
I just.....I don't know..... After all this fighting, I have lost the strength to do anything anymore......
I love him. I really do. I don't want to have to live without him. But I don't know how to live 'with' him either. Or live with our past is more the issue I suppose. I don't even know why I am posting really. I just with someone had a magic wand.......
Sorry...and thank you if you have read this far without falling asleep......
Love to you all x
Me 32
Him 33
5 kids, 13, 12, 9, 7, 3
DDay initially July 2010, EA, caught out 'texting' her on 3 secret phones he kept buying since then, latest Feb 2012.
Trying to R