SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Mindy321 posted 10/15/2013 08:07 AM

In a nutshell… I was in a relationship with my ex for 3 ½ years. We are both in our mid 40s. And both being divorced parents with split custody arrangements, we (thankfully) had two separate households. So, supposedly monogamous and committed, but not living together.
We had broken up once, about 2 years into things, when I discovered he had been on a dating site. He apologized, we reconciled after a 2 month split. Then, recently I discover a half-empty box of condoms in his bedroom drawer (we don’t use them). I think (but not sure) he had just cleaned out his car, and they had probably been hiding in his glove compartment. At first he denied, then declared that IF he used them during the 2 months we were split, then it was his right. I was deeply hurt, but he had a point. Until I took closer examination, research the batch number info, and discover that the condoms had to have been purchased after we got back together (since they were manufactured 10 days prior to our reconciliation). I’m crushed and want to break up. He’s in full denial mode, goes into character assassination, and the last things he says to me are that I have serious trust issues, he doesn’t have to answer to anything unless I can produce a dated receipt (!), and that he did nothing wrong.

Well, that was 10 weeks ago. Since then, he’s been back on the dating site (since 2 weeks post-breakup). At first, I was in denial mode and I tried calling him 4 times but he never returned my calls. Then I moved into Anger/Guilt/Bargaining. Now I’m firmly set in the Depression stage of grief. Ten weeks now, and he hasn’t tried contacting me, once. I have a handful of things at his place, but I’ve given up hope of seeing them again.

What my issue right now is…I don’t want reconciliation. I know he’s a cheater, not nice, not faithful, not the quality man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I get that part. Where I’m stuck, and I’m really stuck is that I never got an apology from him. Or an admission of guilt. Or empathy. Or remorse. And I keep obsessing over this what-if fantasy that he will apologize for hurting me, if only I call him (I sit on my hands to prevent dialing). Or if I run into him at our old haunts (and I keep myself from driving there). And I –know- he won’t apologize because that will take some self-awareness and compassion on his part (and miracles aren’t going to happen). But ugh! I can’t seem to get past this ruminating thought! It’s like a record that keeps skipping (for those that remember record players). And it’s driving me nuts! Will this ever end? It’s killing me.

welcome14 posted 10/15/2013 08:16 AM

Good luck to you with that apology et al....I'm almost 4 years out and never got one. He just disappeared as well. You just have to turn inward and work on healing you because he will probably not be willing to help you. (hugs) to you!

MovingUpward posted 10/15/2013 08:29 AM

Welcome

I don’t want reconciliation. I know he’s a cheater, not nice, not faithful, not the quality man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

It sounds like your mind is saying one thing and your heart another if you are need this apology. I think that you will find that spending some time to heal your heart will make this need for an apology go away. It's been 8 years now since I first discovered my wife cheating. I never got an apology and we've been divorced for over 5 years now. There came a point were an apology wouldn't have mattered. Nothing could be repaired from it.

Mindy321 posted 10/15/2013 08:48 AM

Thank you welcome14 and MovingUpward. I guess I just have to remind myself that at some point, I will get past this stage and that the obsessive thoughts will peter out. Ugh, if only I can make them go away faster! My exH was a serial cheater but he confessed to 2 affairs and apologized. By the time I discovered the next 2 affairs I was done with the relationship and no apology was needed or would help. This is the first time I've dealt with a sudden death of a relationship, though in hindsight there were all the usual red flags.