In a nutshell… I was in a relationship with my ex for 3 ½ years. We are both in our mid 40s. And both being divorced parents with split custody arrangements, we (thankfully) had two separate households. So, supposedly monogamous and committed, but not living together.
We had broken up once, about 2 years into things, when I discovered he had been on a dating site. He apologized, we reconciled after a 2 month split. Then, recently I discover a half-empty box of condoms in his bedroom drawer (we don’t use them). I think (but not sure) he had just cleaned out his car, and they had probably been hiding in his glove compartment. At first he denied, then declared that IF he used them during the 2 months we were split, then it was his right. I was deeply hurt, but he had a point. Until I took closer examination, research the batch number info, and discover that the condoms had to have been purchased after we got back together (since they were manufactured 10 days prior to our reconciliation). I’m crushed and want to break up. He’s in full denial mode, goes into character assassination, and the last things he says to me are that I have serious trust issues, he doesn’t have to answer to anything unless I can produce a dated receipt (!), and that he did nothing wrong.
Well, that was 10 weeks ago. Since then, he’s been back on the dating site (since 2 weeks post-breakup). At first, I was in denial mode and I tried calling him 4 times but he never returned my calls. Then I moved into Anger/Guilt/Bargaining. Now I’m firmly set in the Depression stage of grief. Ten weeks now, and he hasn’t tried contacting me, once. I have a handful of things at his place, but I’ve given up hope of seeing them again.
What my issue right now is…I don’t want reconciliation. I know he’s a cheater, not nice, not faithful, not the quality man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I get that part. Where I’m stuck, and I’m really stuck is that I never got an apology from him. Or an admission of guilt. Or empathy. Or remorse. And I keep obsessing over this what-if fantasy that he will apologize for hurting me, if only I call him (I sit on my hands to prevent dialing). Or if I run into him at our old haunts (and I keep myself from driving there). And I –know- he won’t apologize because that will take some self-awareness and compassion on his part (and miracles aren’t going to happen). But ugh! I can’t seem to get past this ruminating thought! It’s like a record that keeps skipping (for those that remember record players). And it’s driving me nuts! Will this ever end? It’s killing me.
