In a nutshellÖ I was in a relationship with my ex for 3 Ĺ years. We are both in our mid 40s. And both being divorced parents with split custody arrangements, we (thankfully) had two separate households. So, supposedly monogamous and committed, but not living together.
We had broken up once, about 2 years into things, when I discovered he had been on a dating site. He apologized, we reconciled after a 2 month split. Then, recently I discover a half-empty box of condoms in his bedroom drawer (we donít use them). I think (but not sure) he had just cleaned out his car, and they had probably been hiding in his glove compartment. At first he denied, then declared that IF he used them during the 2 months we were split, then it was his right. I was deeply hurt, but he had a point. Until I took closer examination, research the batch number info, and discover that the condoms had to have been purchased after we got back together (since they were manufactured 10 days prior to our reconciliation). Iím crushed and want to break up. Heís in full denial mode, goes into character assassination, and the last things he says to me are that I have serious trust issues, he doesnít have to answer to anything unless I can produce a dated receipt (!), and that he did nothing wrong.
Well, that was 10 weeks ago. Since then, heís been back on the dating site (since 2 weeks post-breakup). At first, I was in denial mode and I tried calling him 4 times but he never returned my calls. Then I moved into Anger/Guilt/Bargaining. Now Iím firmly set in the Depression stage of grief. Ten weeks now, and he hasnít tried contacting me, once. I have a handful of things at his place, but Iíve given up hope of seeing them again.
What my issue right now isÖI donít want reconciliation. I know heís a cheater, not nice, not faithful, not the quality man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I get that part. Where Iím stuck, and Iím really stuck is that I never got an apology from him. Or an admission of guilt. Or empathy. Or remorse. And I keep obsessing over this what-if fantasy that he will apologize for hurting me, if only I call him (I sit on my hands to prevent dialing). Or if I run into him at our old haunts (and I keep myself from driving there). And I Ėknow- he wonít apologize because that will take some self-awareness and compassion on his part (and miracles arenít going to happen). But ugh! I canít seem to get past this ruminating thought! Itís like a record that keeps skipping (for those that remember record players). And itís driving me nuts! Will this ever end? Itís killing me.