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False Acceptance.

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OldCow18 posted 10/15/2013 08:49 AM

Ugh. How do you know when you have REALLY moved on to acceptance and it's not just acceptance mocking you for a few days until devastation and anger returns yet again?

I really thought I was doing better, but I'm not. Again.

dana1234 posted 10/15/2013 09:02 AM

I feel the same way! 8 months out and some days I'm like I can do this and other days it's like oh hell no! I deserve better:(

I just want some peace with this horrifying ordeal!! Will we ever truly be at peace with it??

SorrowBhindSmile posted 10/15/2013 09:06 AM

I think true acceptance takes a great deal of time. I hate to say years...but.........
its different for everyone.

your DDay is still too new and fresh. I'm almost 10 months out and still struggle sometimes.

I can very much relate to your feelings. I really thought i was doing well...and for about a week the anger has really snuck up on me. It comes and goes, but it is much easier to get thru as time passes.

Be gentle with yourself and dont rush things. Allow yourself the time to grieve, process and wrap your head around everything. you will go thru these feelings a lot in the months following DDay. its normal. But it does get better. Keep the focus on you, getting strong and addressing your needs.

hugs to you!

rachelc posted 10/15/2013 09:09 AM

oldcow: take acceptance off the table... you're still in your 1st year. I'm 1.5 years out and not worrying about it. Just trying to enjoy the good times, when they come...

I know we want this to be over fast but there is no way that can happen.

OldCow18 posted 10/15/2013 09:24 AM

I just want some peace with this horrifying ordeal!! Will we ever truly be at peace with it??

Yes! Me freaking too!! I'd take the peace however I can get it too, if it means leaving, fine, staying fine, but neither of those options will give me peace. I want off of this effing rollercoaster but the exit is 2-5 years away.

I've read over and over the reality of the healing timeline, I don't like it, but I get it. It's just that my brain tricks me during a few good days and I'm all, I got this, we are stronger than this, *I* am stronger than this, he's being honest now, I love this man....then the rug gets pulled out again and I'm all eff him, I can't possibly EVER forgive, he's the devil, I will never get over this, not ever never ever never. I'm so tired of it.

I suppose my attitude should be to just enjoy the good days when they come but know *and anticipate* that they will end sooner than later.

This sucks, have I mentioned that yet?

devasted30 posted 10/15/2013 09:34 AM

Wow, you are speaking for me. I feel exactly the same way. I don't honestly know what DDay it the day you found out about the affair, the affairs, the prostitute, when the truth FINALLY came out (I think its the total truth now, but who knows). This past week has been really hard. I keep ruminating about it and can't get a grip on myself. I hate him, I love him. I want a D, I want to continue to try to R..........
Why did this happen to me? Why did he do this to us?
And on and on and on and on and on...............................................................................................

TrustGone posted 10/15/2013 09:52 AM

I know exactly what you mean. I think the problem is that everytime they screw up it resets the time back and you have to start all over again. You just had a breaking of NC and TT a month ago, so basically you have just started over again in a sense. We can only get to true acceptance when they quit doing A related shit and accept what they have done to us and the marriage as a whole. I have informed my WH#2 that everytime he does certain things (like sneak and watch porn for example) it causes my trust meter to go back to 0, affects my self-esteem, and causes me to think about what he did and if I really want to continue to try and R with him or just detach myself and give up on the marriage completely. It is a hard call to make when you love the person you married. Hang in there and (((HUGS)))

GraceisGood posted 10/15/2013 10:03 AM

How do you know when you have REALLY moved on to acceptance

As with all big life things, you will KNOW when you are there imo. For me there was a noticeable shift in my mind that caused my heart to feel different, pieces of anxiety and stress were gone in certain areas. That shift also extended into other areas of my life, what we work on to be healed from this ripples out into our whole life and you will see those ripples touch other relationships and areas and know they are now a part of who you are imo.

IMO, there really is no BIG A acceptance. By that I mean there is no final, once and for all acceptance that puts it all behind us and we walk fresh again into this glorious future ahead of us. Acceptance is plural, not singular imo.

IMO, acceptance is taken one piece at a time, and many times that acceptance opens up other "issues" or questions that have to be dealt with.

I have come to accept many things over the last 6 years, and cumulatively one might say I have reached the singular BIG A acceptance, but I know deep down that no, there are still more things to work on, and I realize those things will expose other things and on and on.

Each piece of acceptance is healing though, and it does cause a shift in my mind and heart and it adds strength which takes away the daunting factor and never ending feeling factor and the constant fatigue.

I just want some peace with this horrifying ordeal!! Will we ever truly be at peace with it??

We have all BTDT, I have learned that there can be peace with or without acceptance. Peace is made from within irregardless of what we are dealing with. It is a gift we give ourselves imo.

Take a break when you need one, seriously. How can you build an oasis of peace for yourself? If you enjoy reading, take a break from the infidelity/marriage reading right now and read something you can get lost in. Take a class to learn something you have always wanted just for you to enrich yourself, cooking, floral arranging, welding?? Volunteer at a charity that touches your heart, animal rescue, helping children learn to read, soup kitchens. Meditation or a new spiritual discipline? A hobby, trains, crochet, motorcycles, needlepoint, public speaking? Build a new body, zumba, marathon, yoga? Part of it is the thing you do to create the oasis and part of it is your mindset in creating, in nourishing yourself, in caring for yourself.

I do know though that it is really hard at first to do this, it is awkward, it seems counter productive, and the first few times probably will not have the desired effect of peace and a break from this heartache, but I know from experience that eventually it does work.

Peace is possible irregardless of the storm we walk through, but we must return to the storm at times as well to keep on keeping on to get to the other side.


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