What he did was not even that bad to my eyes, it's the lies.
After A I asked him to knock off watching porn. He has done this most nights for years and I was kind of used to it. Knew he did it but as I was off sex didn't blame him as long as I didn't catch him. But after he slept with someone else I told him I couldn't bear to think of him watching other women have sex.
Last night we were on his laptop together and a sidebar popped up with mature dating on it. I said to him that would only be there if you had been on porn or dating site. He swore he hadn't and it was random. He twisted it round saying he had never been on anything since he slept with her.
Today I pull him up over it again and he admits he 'might' have clicked on porn a couple of time out of habit but not actually watched it had switched it right off.
His defence is he can't remember. My argument I couldn't care less. You knew when it popped up it was cos you had been on something and all I can get out of him is he doesn't remember. He clearly does. He keeps picking on my wording, he didn't 'look' at porn only went on porn sites etc.
I am sick of it and refuse to be gas lighted or twisted around anymore. Have told him that's it I am done.
I said at the very beginning it was the lies that were the worst. I would forgive lapses in porn use but NOT more lies!
He has just told me he didn't mean to lie, er hello that's another lie. You had a choice tell the truth or lie, you chose lie so you meant to do it.
HAve told him to stay well away from me til I sort out what I want to do!
eta - he just called full of apologies and admitted he was in the wrong - landed on stony ground i'm afraid
[This message edited by olwen at 9:21 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)]
Just wanted to say I understand, and hope you feel better.
It's the lies about watching porn that are killing us. I mean, I really do understand that under great stress you can find yourself doing old behaviors almost out of habit, but there is a point that you have to make the actual decision to act on those old behaviors. And if you do, then the SMART thing to do is to go to your BS and say, hey, I need to tell you that I f-ed up by doing X&Y let me show you. I'd be upset, but we could work through that.
You don't hide the behavior, then figure that since you've already screwed up you might as well screw up again, and then act all shocked and dismayed when your BS catches you in a lie and flips out. In his case, I booted him out of the bedroom and he's sleeping on a futon in the office. He tells me that his greatest fear is being abandoned, and then he sets up the situation where for my mental health, I have to abandon him. How f-ed up is that!
D-Day, June 10, 2012
He tells me that his greatest fear is being abandoned, and then he sets up the situation where for my mental health, I have to abandon him. How f-ed up is that!
Yeah, exactly this. My wBF says one reason he cheated was fear of being alone. But then all his lies forced me to make him be alone for my own sanity. It's so messed up.
H was really sorry last night. He says he got defensive cos he actually hasn't looked or been near any porn for months. he did click on some before I asked him not to use it anymore, then shut it down, when the screen popped up he didn't want to look anymore.
Thing is it's hard to believe someone you know has lied to you
This is absolutely the hardest thing that I struggle with. Unless I know for certain someone is being genuine I have a hard time. I was a skeptic before the A, now I just don't trust. My BS detector is always on.
I'm not saying all porn users are addicted, as I know I would get flamed on here, but sadly this is becoming almost epidemic in our society. My H had attempted for years to stop, but it had become his go-to for stress & boredom. I would encourage you to have a calm, honest conversation with your H about his usage, if it's a coping mechanism, etc. If he feels like it is controlling him, he will not be able to quit without help. If he answers "yes" to some of your tough questions, or you find usage on his phone or history, help can be found at sexhelp.org.
My H has worked his recovery very hard, & has been sexually sober since Nov 15th of last year. He is not the same man he was this time last year, thank goodness! Best of luck to you all. Hugs & prayers. Feel free to pm me if you have any questions.
I know the thread is not directly about porn, but since that is what the lies were about, I have a thought. It struck me yesterday that porn has many arms that crush a real relationship. We all agree that it sets up unrealistic expectations due to the actresses bodies, sexual acting, etc. For men watching it the think they are missing something when they have "normal sex". But here is something I have never thought of before. What about the mental crap they set up in their psyche about their own performance. Are they creating psychological avoidance due to their own embedded idea that they themselves are sub par to the male porn stars? Are they dooming themselves to sex for one with a computer because they have self issues due to porn rather than preferring the hot women?
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.
Anyone reading this who has a spouse routinely watching porn, lying about it, compulsively masturbating, etc, please get them to a therapist now. It only gets worse, & the sexual dysfunction will erode intimacy and your marriage. Sorry to sound so dramatic, but the "all guys do it" mentality is ruining marriages all around us. Do the research!