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Newest Member: Nala87 (61091)

User Topic: Can't Decide
Member # 39306
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in dire need of advice from others that have experienced infidelity. My situation is different than most of yours, we are not married, and had only been together 6 months when the cheating happened, which was nearly a year ago now. We were both 29 at the time, I'm 30 now, she is younger, 25 or 26 I think.

In summary, neither of us were really looking for a relationship but after spending a short amount of time together were so surprised by how much we liked eachother and enjoyed eachothers company that we decided to dive in. He is a wildland firefighter and after a few months into the relationship he was suddenly gone for weeks at a time at fires. Much to my surprise this really affected me, brought out a lot of insecurities I didn't know were there. Combined with me seeing signs that he may not be as into the relationship as I was, I started picking a lot of fights, mainly to see where he was at in the relationship to see if it was worth me waiting around while he was gone all summer. During this time he developed feelings for a coworker and thought she might be a better fit since she has a similar lifestyle. He started getting to know her better outside of work platonically. But lied to me about hanging out with her, always saying he was with a male coworker.

Meanwhile fire season came to an end and everything seemed great from my perspective. We started talking about the future, met eachothers families, etc. discussed possibly getting married the next fall. He never mentioned his conflicted feelings or his coworker "friend". While I thought everything was great, he arranged an evening with her last November and hooked up with her "just to see what was there" from his account. I'll never know for sure what he was thinking, but apparently the evening wasn't quite what he was hoping because he decided to end things with her after that.

I found out about a month later after seeing a text message where he was telling his friend what happened with the other girl. I broke it off immediately. I received many apology emails and phone calls asking for a second chance but I basically told him to F off. He started sleeping with the girl during this time by the way which I did not know about until very recently. After a few months he said he had been going to therapy and wanted me to join, I decided to hear him out, but was too hurt to take him back. There were months of back and forth and lies about the girl and drama that I won't bore you with. But after finally getting the truth out and a few couples conciling sessions I have decided to give it another try, nearly 10 months after DD. The problem is that the hurt is still there, and the lingering fear that I am making a huge mistake and will get hurt again, when there's more at stake. Does anyone have advice on how to navigate this time and reach peace on a decision in either direction? We are continuing couples conciling which should help, but sometimes I feel like I need a reality check that the therapist won't give me. I know good people make mistakes, but will he do it again? Is him reconciling with me really just redemption for his mistake or is it really because he wants to be with me, Any insight, opinions, and advice would be much appreciated.

Me: 30
Him: 29
Together: 1yr
DD: December 2012

Posts: 4 | Registered: May 2013
SI Staff
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, we can't tell you what he's thinking. Besides, it's really too soon to tell.

There are a lot of remorseful WSes who truly want to reconcile, and there are a lot of reconciled couples.

No one can predict the future, but you can observe his behavior. Some things stick out that seem to predict long term R (at least I hope so - these are the things I'm looking to my W to do):

Does she answer my questions honestly?
Does she keep me informed of her whereabouts, activities, and companions?
Is she in IC to get help changing herself into a great partner?
Does she share the thoughts and feelings I want to hear about?
Does she want to hear my thoughts and feelings?
Do we do things together for fun, and do we actually enjoy them?
Do we raise issues as we see them?
Do we resolve issues and work out our differences in ways that satisfy both of us?
Are we doing these things better now than we did a while ago?

A lot of 'yes' answers give me confidence that R is going well. A lot of 'no' answers would worry me.

You're still early in recovering from this. There's immense pain, and it will take a long time to resolve it. The SI rule of thumb is that recovery takes 2-5 years after the last significant hurt.

So work on acknowledging and releasing your pain no matter what he does - that's the key to your healing. Watch how you and he live together - if he's a full partner, the future together can be very good.

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 16535 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♂ 14993
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome here Mickey,

I'm sorry for what's happened. Please take a read through the Healing Library to to read through the answers to a bunch of questions probably running through your head.

The number one rule here is to learn how to take care of yourself and how to respect your boundaries and needs.

Don't feel that you need to make a decision today about whether or not you wish to try again with him. Sisoon gave you some great indications of what a remorseful partner looks like. I would spend some time to think about what it is that you really want out of this. Do you wish to reconcile, or are you feeling pressured, or looking to protect an ideal, or afraid to be alone?

Also realise that it does take both time and dedication to reconcile - there is no magic bullet. The best thing you can do to help is to be at your best.

Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 18191 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
Member # 39306
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you very much both of you. This is very helpful.

Me: 30
Him: 29
Together: 1yr
DD: December 2012

Posts: 4 | Registered: May 2013
Topic Posts: 5

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