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soconfusednow posted 10/15/2013 12:36 PM

Are we doing the work or just coasting, until we crash again? We have books, but aren’t reading. Counseling is difficult financially.

We do talk. But he just wants (or prefers?) the happy me. Saying things like “It was good earlier today, but you go there and then it’s all downhill.” I feel he dislikes the sad me.

I’m debating if I want to push for a timeline or not. WH says I remember times dates, & places better than he does. If I have a timeline it might just create more triggers. Do I want that? I could compare it to my journals. If my feelings & suspicions from the past match it, will it help me to trust my own judgment again?

So many questions on what it takes for me(us). I just wish it was over, but it keeps resurfacing. Sometimes it seems like things are getting better, but I wonder……am I just fooling myself? Is this real? Am I setting myself up for more heartbreak? If he lets me down again, will it be easier or will I sink lower than ever before? If I sink lower, will it be harder to crawl back out?

ladies_first posted 10/15/2013 14:30 PM

But he just wants (or prefers?) the happy me.
Plan fun stuff to balance the hard work of R. Aim for a 5-to-1 ratio ... 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative exchange (borrowed from "Not Just Friends.")

If I'm honest, I too prefer happy people to sad/depressed people.

am I just fooling myself? Is this real? Am I setting myself up for more heartbreak? If he lets me down again, will it be easier or will I sink lower than ever before? If I sink lower, will it be harder to crawl back out?

Don't let anxiety over an unknown future spoil the present moment.

ladies_first posted 10/15/2013 14:44 PM

I bumped a related "having fun" post:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/posting.asp?tid=507544&fid=4&AP=1

Rebreather posted 10/15/2013 16:07 PM

While I agree with ladiesfirst that a marriage needs to have its positive components, you also have some major rug sweeping going on.

Of course we all want the people around us to be happy, but when one of a team has been stabbed in the back by the other, it isn't out of the question for there to be some down moments. If your spouse hasn't understood that yet, and doesn't actually embrace the opportunity to help you in the down times, then you know you do not have remorse.

Read the books. Set time to discuss these things. The wayward has to face these issues or you are looking at more problems down the road. I have seen over and over how conflict avoidant most waywards are. This is part of that conflict avoidance and the patterns have to change.

It's not acceptable for him to make you feel bad for feeling bad, when he is the reason you are feeling bad! Triggers are hard for most waywards to understand. They fight against their reality. You have to really work through them.

By doing those things, your concerns in your last paragraph will be addresses. When a wayward is making consistent healing actions, your fears will be lessened, and rightly so.

befuzzled110 posted 10/15/2013 18:39 PM

I know most of the timeline, if not all of the timeline for Wh's affairs. Did it help? No. I just obsessed over what I was doing, and what could have been different. Could I have NOT had time lines? No. I, personally needed them. Especially for the first one. Once I saw a pattern though, there wasn't a point anymore to the timeline. Did it make me trust my own judgement more? No. It reminded me that I had poor judgement and never trusted my gut, when I knew better. I was very good at denial. In my/our case it seems as though the more broke he became the harder it was to dig out of the hole, and he's not done yet. There is no right or wrong.

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