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Newest Member: Dquacook1973 (60713)

User Topic: Why is it that I still feel like the broken one?
suckstobeme
♀ 30853
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been three years and, in many ways, I feel very different. I feel like I know all there is to know about the why and the what happened even though he has never ever admitted it or talked to me about it. I feel like I'm trying to achieve acceptance and indifference even in the wake of having to parent with him and having to hear all about him and OW who he now lives with.

I also feel like I've matured so much more than he will ever mature. He's stuck. He's stuck with a batshit crazy OW who has the emotional and mental maturity of a high school freshman. He, in turn, has adopted a lot of her attitudes. He feeds my kids pudding for breakfast and dresses DD in different colored socks without a care. They do absolutely ridiculous things so I know I'm so much better on so many levels than the two of them combined.

But, even with all of that knowledge swirling around in my head, I still feel like he broke me. He got me good on this one and I'm starting to worry that I will never fully recover. I'm starting to worry that I will forever be afraid of life and afraid of men and afraid of stepping outside of the very safe little circle that I've built around me. I know, I know, don't let him rob you of life and don't let this define you. I know that in my head, but the execution part of it, that's a major challenge after the person I thought always would protect me turned into my #1 enemy in what seemed like no time.

Some days - No, if I'm honest with myself, I would say most days, I feel like no matter what, there is at least a part of me that his lies, cheating and complete ostracism has completely destroyed and that part is never coming back. That part was the part of me that usually saw the good in people and believed in people and teamwork and love.

He's moved on. As dysfunctional and gross as it is, he's built a new life. I'm sure he thinks about this zero percent of his time. But here I sit, still in a bit of disbelief that this happened in the first place and still feeling busted. He's the one who should feel broken, not me. But again, here I sit.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 3866 | Registered: Jan 2011
sparkysable
♀ 3703
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG do I totally get where you are coming from with this.

I am just like you, 3+ years out, worked on myself, counseling, divorcecare, read everything there was to read about personality disorders, divorce, etc.

I'm pretty convinced that although I've changed, I'll never be the same. My instincts are fine tuned, but a part of me was just completely destroyed. How the hell does another human being have the power to do this to us?

Just the other night, I was SOBBING, crying "why did this have to happen to me?" This disgusting human being, who pulled me into his sociopathic stage show, who killed my cat and pretended she ran away, who wrecked me financially and emotionally, who left me no choice but to take my infant adoped daughter downtown to social services to beg for food stamps so I could get some formula for my baby, meanwhile he's sitting on the beach in the Florida Keys with the OW sipping drinks. This disgusting, old, ugly, lying, cheating, fake-toothed (lol) pig of a human being, and I'm sobbing over this piece of shit?

Then, LAST NIGHT, I have a dream about him, how he wants to come back because things aren't going well with the OW. AYFKM? I wouldn't give this guy the time of day if I met him for the first time today, and I'm fucking dreaming about the piece of shit??

You know what I think? I think a part of us has changed, and will never be the same. I think we won't ever "get over it". I think we learn how to deal with it, but it will never be fully gone. I think it's a part of our every day life. I think as time goes on, it won't be as sharp, but I think a few times a year, something from out of nowhere, or in a dream or something, will blindside us and leave us feeling shitty, at least for a day. Then we process it, it doesn't hurt so much, we go on, and then the next piece of shit comes flying out from that fan, cycle, repeat, cycle, repeat.

Here's a favorite quote of mine:

“It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” ~ Rose Kennedy

P.S. - GTG soon?


BW - 40
DD - 7 years old
D-day OW#1 2/2004;D-day OW#2 5/2010
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.

Posts: 5415 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
anewday78
♂ 39357
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This really does suck and my heart goes out to you. The only advice I can give is that perhaps you need to shift the paradigm and look at the future from a different, more positive perspective. Consider what he's put you through as a learning experience - through this horrible experience, you've realized your true worth. You've realized what you want out of a relationship and what are acceptable boundaries. You've learned that you're a strong person on your own and you can survive even the most crushing blows. Don't let him define your perception of ALL men - you're in a different league than him so you must look to higher quality men to fulfill your needs and wants. Luckily, the fact that he belongs in her (OW's) league - a league far beneath yours - has helped you determine exactly what those needs and wants are. Now you must go out there and fulfill those needs because you deserve it and you are worthy of the happens that comes with that sense of fulfillment. If you're going to let him dictate your path moving forward, at least use his dirty deeds to propel you into a positive direction. If you can do that, YOU'VE WON.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
Softcentre
39166
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All we BS have suffered trauma. Trauma never leaves, it does change us, but we can get through and survive. And then progress from survival to amazing emotional growth, if we allow ourselves to be vulnerable enough to do that.

We can choose to face it and refuse to become victims and refuse to let it define who we are. Doing that is hard and it takes time.

I'm early on in this process, but I have suffered significant previous traumas from childhood onwards. These things do not define me, but yes I am changed from who I might have been. Part of the growth is about accepting who we are now and that we are loveable and worthy of love - just as we are.

Suckstobeme - you will get there. It takes time, but you are already further on than you were when DDay happened. Hang on and keep fighting the negative inner voice.


Me: BW
Him: XWH
2 Children

Finally reached indifference & looking forward to my new beginning


Posts: 1629 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
lost4now
♀ 21634
Member # 21634
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been feeling like this a lot lately!!! I can totally relate. Deep down I know that he was the broken one. He had to be to carry on a five year affair (which included 5 ddays) with the same OW. The level of lying and deception was more than any normal person could live with. I don't really know how he did it.

But when I think about all of the crazy lies and the way he made me feel I get so mad. I let myself become so trapped. For the most part I never believed anything that came out of his mouth, yet I wanted to believe it was true, so I kept on keeping on. I can't believe I did that. I lived that crazy life for so long, I no longer know what a normal life really is. I still feel crazy from time to time. I tend to think everyone is a liar now and I have to catch myself.

I don't want to live my life that way. I didn't want to live like that before and I certainly don't want to going forward. I TRY (key word) to focus on just myself and my daughters. I try not to think about him and OW. I want to move forward without them taking up space in my head and in my life. They fucked up both for me! They are not welcome anymore.

Do what he has done and MOVE ON. I know, easier said than done. But, hopefully, we will all get there. We so deserve it!!!!


BS - ME 43
WH 44
Married 20 years
DDay #1 12/28/07
DDay #2 9/18/08
DDay #3 12/28/08
Dday #4 11/18/10 (same OW)
Dday #5 8/22/12 (same OW)
2 beautiful daughters
"Love grows where it is nurtured and dies where it is not!"

Posts: 841 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: NJ
glaciergal
40777
Member # 40777
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I often feel this way. What helped me a lot was a book recommended on this forum, "Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You" by Susan Elliott. Part of the reason why it was so helpful is that it discusses all this stuff we've gone through since the breakup. "Oh, it's not just me that feels this way/thinks this. This is NORMAL." Even though it's been three years, if you've been busy with the day-to-day of life and just GETTING BY since then, you will really appreciate this book. I didn't read it until a year after my husband asked me for a divorce, and I still found it incredibly relevant for my life. Getting on with my life. (((suckstobeme)))


DD - 10/12
11/3/12 - he asked for divorce
11/15/12 - beginning of R
April '13 - he says he is DONE no chance of further R

Posts: 19 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Alaska
Feeling Consumed
♀ 30592
Member # 30592
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Most definitely there with you. I am also almost 3 years out and sparkysable - I also had a dream last night with ex and ow!! What is up with the dreams! I woke up crying - that just ain't right.

The way I look at what happened to us is like we got run over by a semi. We got banged up real, real, real bad. Many of us are still convalescing, some of us are at the point that we are up and back to life, but the thing is that we will always have a limp. We will never be able to forget what happened to us because it has changed us forever. We may go to rehab and learn how to walk with just a trace of a limp, but we will probably never be able to run a marathon again.


Spent half my life with an Ahole
D final!!! 11-11

"Obladi oblada life goes on...."


Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Wisconsin
sparkysable
♀ 3703
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The way I look at what happened to us is like we got run over by a semi. We got banged up real, real, real bad. Many of us are still convalescing, some of us are at the point that we are up and back to life, but the thing is that we will always have a limp. We will never be able to forget what happened to us because it has changed us forever. We may go to rehab and learn how to walk with just a trace of a limp, but we will probably never be able to run a marathon again.

I love this analogy. It's so true.


BW - 40
DD - 7 years old
D-day OW#1 2/2004;D-day OW#2 5/2010
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.

Posts: 5415 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
SeanFLA
♂ 32380
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feeling the same way after several years myself. I feel like I'm patiently waiting for something to happen in my life that will shake me from the bad memories once and for all. And I'm not talking about a new relationship either. That's a totally different thing. But something else major in life...a job change possibly, winning the lottery, who knows. I still feel embarrassment about what happened. How easily she moved on and just didn't care about me or my pain. I think it causes me to sometimes keep my distance emotionally at times from others. I see know very clearly that everyone has their own agenda regardless. The older we get, the more selfish we become. Things like job security, money, worrying about retirement, etc. People take care of their own needs first.

I see now that I wasted 20+ years of my life with her. I really believe that. There was something burning in my gut 20 years ago telling me not to marry this person...something just wasn't right about her. But I couldn't place my finger on it although red flags were there. I thought it was typical cold feet kind of stuff. Now I see she had and still has terrible self esteem issues. Things from her childhood that were there well before I ever met her. But she did such a great job of acting and blame shifting that it still makes me feel like the broken one. It really makes me doubt myself and rips away at my confidence as a man.


BS(me) 50
WW 49
1 son 17 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1636 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
gypsybird87
♀ 39193
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((suckstobeme)))

Lots of hugs to you. I'm so sorry you're hurting. I completely relate to the pain and the feeling like you'll never be the same. I've been struggling with this a lot lately too. And what I realized is that I don't really want to be the same. Why would I want to be that person? That's the girl who was targeted by this NPD bastard, fell for all his lies, and wasted 8 years of her life because she didn't know any better.

No, I don't want to be her. I want to be a newer, stronger, better version of myself. To use the run over by a truck analogy someone else posted, it's true... I may always walk with a limp and I may never run another marathon, but I'll find a different kind of strength, I'll bike 1000 miles or swim the English Channel. The new me will be strong and capable in new ways, not the old ways. Does that make any sense?

A quote from a favorite movie, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel:

Evelyn: There is no past that we can bring back by longing for it. Only a present that builds and creates itself as the past withdraws.

Also this:

What helped me a lot was a book recommended on this forum, "Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You" by Susan Elliott.

Terrific book. I second this recommendation.

Hang in there. I hope you're feeling stronger soon.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Follow your heart, but take your brain with you. ~ Alfred Adler
Letting go of the outcome is about the most empowering thing you can do for yourself. ~ LosferWords


Posts: 1857 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
nutmegkitty
♀ 33882
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are most certainly not alone in feeling this way.

IT's been two years for me, and while people remark at how well I seem to be doing, on the inside I still feel like a big old mess. I feel like I am always one thing away from completely losing it. I have such a wall of self protection around me it's hard to let anyone in.


Me - BW
2 DDs

Very happily divorced from an NPD since 2013.


Posts: 3965 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
Vulcanized
♀ 33523
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think we all wind up feeling like this.

Maybe not folks who this happens to & do nothing to fix themselves. Just by dint of doing the work on ourselves, being introspective, et al, you have no real choice but to feel this way.

I still feel like he broke me. He got me good on this one and I'm starting to worry that I will never fully recover. I'm starting to worry that I will forever be afraid of life and afraid of men and afraid of stepping outside of the very safe little circle that I've built around me.

I feel the same. But I do think there comes a point where your fear gets pushed back enough that you venture out of your shell a bit. Even though it is sort of terrifying.

I know, I know, don't let him rob you of life and don't let this define you. I know that in my head, but the execution part of it, that's a major challenge after the person I thought always would protect me turned into my #1 enemy in what seemed like no time.

All of the past experiences add up to this present moment, so in a sense, the past does define the present, and you. It's finding the balance that's tricky. I'm just tired of being the cheated on XW. So, fuck it, now I'm trying to find a new definition, if that makes sense.

(((sucks)))


Me: fBW/MH 40s
3.26.13: Liberation day: D'd the whiny turd after being saddled with a serial cheating, NPD, jitbag 10 years too long
Now: happy in life, happily in love with the RIGHT man -----> Everything is as it should be


Posts: 940 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: The Hostile City
sleepless34
♀ 40274
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry suckstobeme! One of the thing that keeps me sane when I am feeling the same way is to think that it would be worse to be him. It would also be worse to still be with him. The alternative is that it went on longer, he hurt you more. You still have from this moment on to pick up the pieces and make the best of your life...which is better without him. For sure.

Yes, we are all different now. We are changed by these epic betrayals and hurts. It does change us in some bad ways, but *maybe* just maybe in some good ways too.

Hang in there. I have been having some bad days too. Crying, feeling so sad about the loss of the person I thought he was and the family life we had together. You have to feel that pain. Sucks. Sorry :(


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 446 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
tesla
♀ 34697
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's moved on. As dysfunctional and gross as it is, he's built a new life.

No, he has not moved on. He is cycling. There is little growth involved in turning the same circle over and over.

((((suckstobeme))))


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4962 | Registered: Jan 2012
gypsybird87
♀ 39193
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, he has not moved on. He is cycling. There is little growth involved in turning the same circle over and over.

This! My IC and I just had this conversation. People that live this way are going in circles, repeating all the same patterns, just with different players in the roles.

But we are going somewhere, like a line. My line is not straight, its not clear, and its definitely not pretty... but at least its not going around in a circle.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Follow your heart, but take your brain with you. ~ Alfred Adler
Letting go of the outcome is about the most empowering thing you can do for yourself. ~ LosferWords


Posts: 1857 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
crazyblindsided
♀ 35215
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Part of the growth is about accepting who we are now and that we are loveable and worthy of love - just as we are.

I loved this! Thank you!


BS/FWS (me):43 Madhatter
WS/BS:46 Serial Cheater
Together 20 years, Married 15
DD(13) DS(10)
DDay(s) Too many to count
False R 7/11/14 Same OW2
"Never seek validation from those who are unworthy."

Posts: 4022 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Topic Posts: 16

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