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Newest Member: Giupeppe (46032)

User Topic: telling a secret
hopeful2013
40995
Member # 40995
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first post, although since 8/8/13 I have read many posts mainly related to D-day and the initial traumatic feelings. On that day, I read an email my husband wrote almost 2 years ago to a woman that he had a physical affair with for several months but probably an emotional affair for several years. Prior to this one, I believe he also had several emotional affairs (which I suspected but never really called him on). We are trying to reconcile (and I know we will succeed), but I am writing this to try to help others who are trying to reconcile too.

While I love this site and found it helpful to read the posts from people who had just discovered the infidelity (so that I knew my emotional roller coaster was normal), I also found it counter-productive. It may just be my personality, but reading other people's tragic stories served as a trigger, and would feed my obsessive thoughts. Instead of searching the internet on causes of infidelity, which only led to more feelings of inadequacy, I started to search for forgiving infidelity. In so doing I found several sites which helped me. The first was an article on health.usnews.com titled Infidelity: Can couples move past it? On the second page spring talks about the betrayer redrawing boundaries around himself to eject the mistress from their inner circle. Although this is probably not what she was referring to, I asked my husband last night to tell me a secret about the other woman, which he did. I can't tell you how much this helped me. Whereas before, I felt like the two of them shared so many secrets from me, now I knew one about her. I started to feel, no matter how miniscule, a shift in the balance of power. Instead of asking my husband all of the details of the affair which only serve as triggers and are replayed in my mind, I finally felt like I had asked something which elevated my mood. I don't know if this will work for anyone else, but you never know, because it worked for me.

I read one other article which I found immensely useful. Although many articles tell the betrayed spouse it is not their fault, in the same paragraph they also list marital problems as a contributing factor. But this was the first article I read that stated that both spouses were not getting what they needed emotionally from the marriage, but that often the wayward spouse was the one with the opportunity. That statement really hit home. Although I keep telling my husband there were many times in our marriage that I have not been happy and yet I didn't cheat, I can honestly say that I did have much less opportunity. If the circumstances were reversed, maybe I would have been capable of the same. That article really went a long way in my empathizing with him. (I have to find the name of that article, since it may help others as well.)

Me BS 41
Him WS 46
2 children ages 8 & 6
married 11 years
together 19
D-Day 8/8/13


Posts: 4 | Registered: Oct 2013
eachdayisvictory
♀ 40462
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 395 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I completely agree with the secret thing. Not sure what side of healthy it is, on, but when FWH was finally in confess-mode I made him tell me absolutely everything he knew about her. The more embarrassingly personal details he could recall, the better I felt.

Reading your post, I'm immediately taken back to those feelings.

I'm glad you felt like posting today, hopeful2013.

Welcome - officially.


"Welcome the rawness of vulnerability as an opportunity to open." - Pema Chodron

Me: BW 35
Crazz: WH 33
Daughter: 4.5 Going on 16


Posts: 18690 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
heartache101
♀ 26465
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont believe one spouse had more opportunity over the other at all. Nor do I believe there are issues bad in a marriage and that is wht these waywards cheat. If they are going to cheat they will declare the sky purple if it rights the scale for them to believe they earned the right to cheat.
The cheater has to own the cheating behaviors and the consequences 100% it is on them. They can rationalize the hell out of it make all excuses they want whether true or false they still cheated it is on them 100%.
FWIW I can cheat any day of the week opportunities are around each of us. It is my boundaries my self worth and morals that ground me.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3199 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
heartache101
♀ 26465
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not want to know one thing about the AP if my spouse told me he remembered something of meaning he would be up a creek. He can not remember anything so he best not remember anything about them!


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3199 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
hopeful2013
40995
Member # 40995
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While I agree with heartache101 wholeheartedly, I am also trying to empathize with my husband to forgive. I feel there can be no meaningful reconciliation unless I forgive him. That doesn't mean forget or even condone his actions. Just try to understand them and empathize with him. There were many times in our marriage that I also felt we were out of sync, I felt that I had "no life" after we had children, I became so caught up with the kids that the marriage came last. I took his fidelity for granted and definitely took care of his needs last. He also took care of my needs last. And yes, I could have at any time walked into a bar and had sex with anyone but didn't, perhaps if I had a close male friend constantly flattering me, I might have strayed as well. It's part opportunity part personality.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Oct 2013
TrustGone
♀ 36654
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome offically to SI. I am glad you have found something that has taken away at least some of the pain. We all have things that would make us feel less insecure after an affair is discovered. SI can be quite triggery especially so soon after DDay.

For me knowing secrets about the OW would not help me feel anymore secure in my marriage. I am at a point that I don't care about the OW or her secrets. It may have helped right after DDay, but now I don't think it would. I also had a lot more opportunities than my WH#2 to have an affair. I think that is part of what made him so insecure that he sought out the A himself. My career at the time was skyrocketing and his was going nowhere. I know that he liked and encouraged me to travel so that he could have the OW live in our home while I was working out of state. His OW was an old GF that he knew before we met and married, so he didn't have to go far to find her. This was his take on opportunity I suppose. When the cat was away the mouse could play and he thought he was too smart to ever get caught. He didn't count on the other mouse spilling the cheese to the cat.


BW-52
WH#2-53
M-10 yrs T-12 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
DD#4-11/28/14 He ran off to be with OW after assaulting me
Divorcing

Posts: 2488 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
topperoff22
♀ 40762
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Although I keep telling my husband there were many times in our marriage that I have not been happy and yet I didn't cheat, I can honestly say that I did have much less opportunity. If the circumstances were reversed, maybe I would have been capable of the same. That article really went a long way in my empathizing with him. (I have to find the name of that article, since it may help others as well.)

I have thought the same thing.

Today my husband and I watched Fireproof. The movie stars Kirk Cameron. I highly recommend it. The wife in it as an emotional affair, which could have progressed to more. The man does something called The Love Dare and my husband is now doing that (he started it but only recently told me about it).

I also have issues with this site triggering me. Today my counselor suggested I remove myself from it and i believe she is correct. It often stirs up emotions and does not help the healing process most of the time.



BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
befuzzled110
♀ 35787
Member # 35787
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's true. And when my Wh and I separated, and he was actually being honest and open, and sharing even more than I wanted to hear....I learned that I was capable of the same behavior he had displayed. I could do it. If I had wanted to, and the opportunity had been there. When were separated, the opportunities presented themselves left and right, and I realized that I could have done to another woman, what had been done to me...if I hadn't been through what I had just been through. And it proved that when a person is broken emotionally they will do and take anyone who is showing them the attention they are starving for.


Me: 37 and awesome
Him: 42 and not so awesome
OW1: 47 and desperate OW2: 34, freshly divorced, was once my friend OW3: is OW1 who took in WH during seperation.

Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Michigan
morethantrying
♀ 40547
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YES, I agree that as helpful as this site is it CAN be addicting and TRIGGING....I will remove it today, I think...time to go on and spend time on more positive things at a certain point...time to move on and BE HAPPY


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 322 | Registered: Sep 2013
breakingpoint
♀ 40963
Member # 40963
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your compassion in your writing and good advice.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 11

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