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Telling his mom/sister

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LA44 posted 10/15/2013 14:15 PM

I am having a hard time connecting with his mom/sister. Part of the reason is bc there is always something wrong/drama/struggle with them. I think they look at me and think my life is pretty wonderful.

If they only knew.

Part of me wants to tell them bc I feel like I have insight to offer. I want to tell them about some of you amazing thoughts, breakthrough's, books I have read. About people on SI and how hard we work to figure things out, R and use this mess as a chance to grow.

Part of me wants to tell them bc I want them to know that life isn't always what it appears to be.

My H did not want to tell his mom bc she talks. I said, "Maybe this is a good time to open that line of convo with her. Let her know that you want your story to be respected."

Maybe this is a good chance to talk to your sister about FOO. There is a lot of good that can come from this.

He said he will do it for me but I know he would rather not.

Guess I am still on the fence with more thinking to do.

karmahappens posted 10/15/2013 14:48 PM

Hey LA

Although I understand your wants, I think Mr. LA's feelings need to be respected.

My H did not want to tell his mom bc she talks. I said, "Maybe this is a good time to open that line of convo with her. Let her know that you want your story to be respected."

You cannot change her and although you have found out some great life skills through this journey, imposing your new-found wisdom on his family will not make them change their views.

I am having a hard time connecting with his mom/sister. Part of the reason is bc there is always something wrong/drama/struggle with them

You have a pretty good support system with your family, maybe you need to embrace what you CAN have with his and not expect that everyone can give you what you need...sometimes they just aren't capable. KWIM?

I would connect with people who are emotionally available and keep things with his family just above friendly. They sound like my in laws...drama isn't something you need. You also don't need to be the talk of the drama...IMO

Just my 2 usual

[This message edited by karmahappens at 2:51 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/15/2013 16:18 PM

Just wanted to chime in-
We have decided not to tell- although I feel he wanted to- kind of like a "I deserve to be thought of as an ass" mentality.
I requested that we not- for all of the reasons stated above.
You have been living this- and I know because I have been really unavailable to my MIL and have had to think of some really creative ways to explain my absence. But there is a lot to consider..
Telling her would have been my way of saying "see! I'm not crazy! I'm just dealing with some serious issues" and it would have made me feel better.
But... There is a lot to his FOO that he and I have been discussing- and I felt it is better kept between us for now. This is new for them, they haven't ... This word again "processed"- through everything. There will be questions- TONS OF QUESTIONS- opinions, advice, blame laying ( maybe on you, although unjustifiably so).
Different people have different ways of dealing with this type of information- and helping his family through the process (aargh) is just not in my agenda right now. Not only that, but I fear that it will never go away
"remember when Mr.wondertwin cheated on her?"
"I KNOW! "
"lets all talk behind their backs at Christmas and comment on their behavior- superfun!"

Do what you feel is right. I just know that for me, it would be difficult to convey all of our progress and setbacks and thoughts during this thing. Maybe some day, but for now, I have enough on my plate. And the reaction may not be what I expect it to be.
I wish you strength. :)

lhhell posted 10/15/2013 17:03 PM

I have a different take/question on this. My WH told his family that he cheated...but didn't tell them that he hired hookers. So they all think that he had some sort of relationship with someone and thus think that I was somehow (completely) to blame.

Now, that's not to say that I don't realize that we had issues in our relationship - we do and are in MC to work them out. BUT I'm super annoyed that they are somehow whitewashing it because there was a relationship with the OW (ha ha ha).

The bitchy side of me, the side that wants him to hurt a little, wants him to fess up to his family. Thisis also the side that's really angry that he seems to have gotten off relatively scott free while I'm the one dealing with all the collateral damage. I'd like him to squirm a bit more....

The other side of me doesn't want him to tell so that I don't have to deal with the exquisite and embarassing pain of one more person knowing my husband slept with hookers. And really, what would it accomplish? Nothing much.

Rebreather posted 10/15/2013 17:09 PM

I went through a period of wanting him to tell his mother. Actually, I wanted to tell his mother. I am not sure what I was looking for. Like you, I think it was to show that hey, I might be a bitch sometimes FOR GOOD REASON. That her son isn't such a fucking angel and he ripped my heart out. And that maybe he needs some extra attention from her, some support, some guidance.

In the end, we kept silent. I think I decided that as much as we wanted that support, there was no guarantee it would materialize.

Oddly, several years later, all on his own, my FWH told his three best friends about his affair. It really surprised me. They asked him good questions. They said I was amazing and he was really damn lucky. And they asked how they could be sure not to be an epic fuck up like him. None of this has come back to us in any kind of negative way. I think it made my spouse feel good to be honest, to share why we'd been hard to reach for a few years, and all that he had learned. He was proud to share with them by then.

I know you will make the right decision, LA. Keep thinking on it. I'm a big proponent of telling if you want or need to tell. There is nothing to be embarrassed or humiliated by. He may share on his own, organically, one day. Or not. The judgment of our parents can be really hard to take (it's why my parents have no clue. I know my mother would blame me).

LA44 posted 10/16/2013 08:16 AM

We talked about this last night and H spoke to his dad about it too.

I have decided that telling his mom would not be a good idea. My FIL had several A's and one of them he eventually left the marriage for. They have been together for 20+ years now. My MIL spent the 15 years obsessing about this.

I know she would not be very supportive before it would turn back to her. We will not tell her. It would cause more pain for her, frustration for us and my H is right - she will talk to her sisters/friends. If I had the A, I would not want her to know.

We would like to tell his sister. She and my H are 6 years apart (he is older). She has made some incredibly bad decisions in her life. Most recently she left her partner. They have an almost 2 year old. I don't think this was a bad decision - long time coming really. But....there is a barrier between she and I and her and her brother. Again, the notion that we have it all. No problems we can't handle - or our issues are nothing compared to what she has to deal with. This also is not reason to tell her - but it is tempting.

Sometimes when we talk, I would like to share with her - but then I stop myself. I would not tell someone now w/o talking to my H. We used to have a great relationship she and I.

We both feel that perhaps the greater good that comes from telling her is that they can discuss FOO issues. When they got into trouble, they both turned to things that caused damage to themselves and others - substance abuse (her) or A (him) instead of communicating and working things through. She has been sober for almost 6 years now so her fog is gone but some days the poor me party continues. Perhaps telling her will let down some walls between all of us. She has a good heart.

Anyway, we will continue talking. Thank you for your input.


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