SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Many WS blame shift to justify their affairs. When they do many lack remorse and empathy.

Any BSs here think that their WS justifies their LTA to the extent that they believe we (BSs) got what we deserved?

OH Hell no. If he did he wouldn't be living in my house.

As a BS You Cannot Accept that. It is your responsiblity to demand the respect you deserve, and that means not allowing the WS having you shoulder any of the burden of the A.

Whether they BELIEVE it or not would be hard to tell. I doubt very much if any WS would ever admit it.

During the A. Yes.

He'd got such a warped view of me from the chasm between us on the issue of his bipolar. I knew he had it and he was in complete denial. The only way that could work was him to create me into a total monster of a control freak. Ow believed all that shit too. Post dday and he hit absolute rock bottom and realised what he had done but during. No doubt he hated me.

Hope its okay to contribute, mine is an XWSO rather than WS.

When we were 19 and had been dating a few months I broke it off with him and started dating someone else a couple of months later. X and I got back together - then stayed together ~15/16 years. According to X, post our breakup, he never forgave me for breaking up with him back then.

He proceeded to 'punish' me for the next decade and a half. So yes, he feels entirely justified in his serial cheating (~6 OW that I know of, at least 1xLTA ~5 years) and it is still all my fault and I deserved it. Nothing wrong with his LTA as she was 'just a friend'

I was just thinking that if I had a revenge affair it would be because he deserved it.

That would be my justification anyway.

Oh yes...he keeps telling me how much I've hurt him...passive aggressive blame shifting much? But we're separated, so...

I was just thinking that if I had a revenge affair it would be because he deserved it.

IMO there is no difference in choosing to have a affair and choosing to have a revenge affair.

Believe it or not, it was because I was toooooo good.

Yep, I was such a remarkable beacon of virtue, so fucking saintly and wonderful, that it justified him fucking MOW because he resented me for it. I was just too good for him and so he had to sabotage what he had to PROVE he didn’t deserve me. So by return, I got what I deserved.

How’s that for justification? Twat.

Oh? The real reason? Long lost love reunited, old flames reignited, HS sweethearts, nostalgia and all that crap.

I think that in the case of a revenge affair- this can definitely apply.

I suppose it would depend on the balme shifting reasons the WS is giving. If the WS had the affair is tries to blame shift by saying that they are angry and resentful about XYZ, I suppose that it is plausable that at some point they may have thought, "BS deserves this."

I think, however, that so much of the affair is compartmentalizing and unconscious thinking. My WS is mad at me for things, my ex is mad at me for things. I don't think either of them sat down and thought they were getting even, or I deserved what I got. They might have felt that way for a brief period of time, but I don't think it was as conscious as that.

Yep. H8s affair is my fault. I caused him to cheat on me.

Nah; he admits he did it because it made him feel good to be in the 'cool' crowd. He didn't want a D; he wanted a wife and a gf. In his words, "I never thought you would carry it this far." (the D)

While he never came out and said it in those words, I definitely got the impression from now-ex that he thought I deserved to be treated the way he was treating me. He did outright blame me for him having to cheat. I was that horrible of a person and wife, he had no other choice, you see.

I was just too good for him and so he had to sabotage what he had to PROVE he didn’t deserve me.

Oh My God, that is word for word what my WH says. Is there a website where they memorize these bullshit lines?

Does yours talk in a little sad voice about his low self-esteem? And his horrible childhood? And the stress he has at work?

I think mine cheated because it was fun, exciting and he felt entitled to have a wife and a sexy girlfriend. Oh, and he thought I was too stupid to ever find out.

[This message edited by jemimapd at 8:43 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]

In my case marital issues made me vulnerable to an affair, but I never thought my husband deserved it. I was incredibly naive in thinking that the EA was a much smaller deal than it was. I am just now 4 months after DD realizing the impact.

I think on some level (no consciously) thought he wouldn't care. Only through the last few months have I realized the depth of his love for me, and mine for him.

Selfish? Stupid? Yes and Yes. Deserving BS? Never.

I don't think my wife feels I got what I deserved.

At the time, though.. I think she did feel I deserved whatever I got. If anger is a shield then malice is the standard it bears.

In my case marital issues made me vulnerable to an affair, but I never thought my husband deserved it.

I'd like to point out that shifting the blame to marital issues still shifts the blame. Those same marital issues made you vulnerable to committing murder or getting a divorce as well; vulnerability in this context is nothing more than being present to make a choice.

My WH's A's were never about what I deserved, they were all about what (in his mind)he deserved... I didn't factor into the equation.

I think my ws thought I deserved it. He stayed mad at me for the smallest of things. He finally found something.I refused to give on, this is where he thinks I didnt CHOOSE him. A started shortly thereafter. It's a long story but he asked me to make a choice regarding my DS, he set me up basically asking me to choose, I guess he figured that was his permission to proceed with ow.

Want To Wake Up

Me too. I think for most WSs the BS is irrelevant - otherwise they wouldn't do it?

Would they?

ETA: FWH said that the two main reasons he did it were

(a) I criticised his driving in front of his mother many years ago (He was doing 100km per hour in a 60 zone. I thought he might have missed the sign and said "Honey, do you realise you are in a 60?")

(b) I told him he couldn't have the roof line he wanted on the house we were building in 1992. The builder said it would cost 10k more and we couldn't get that much from the bank.

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 3:10 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

My WH actually said to me on d-day, "I can't believe I found someone first!" When I asked him what the hell that meant, he said he always 'knew' that I would abandon him after the kids go to college.