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Advice or 2x4 needed

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Eyeofthetiger posted 10/15/2013 15:03 PM

More often than not, I miss my husband. We grew up together so it is hard for me to let go.

He cheated and I get I should let go and move on from this marriage but I don't want to. Unfortunately, he does. He was cake eating and not doing anything to move into the direction of his choice so I made him choose. But he still hasn't filed.

Is there ANYTHING left that I can do to get him to choose me and his family and not get a divorce? Or am I just too blind to see what is right in front of me?

He won't go to counseling. He isn't with anyone at the moment. He says he isn't happy. He sleeps on his friends couch. He never gave any indication that he was unhappy before he left. He is a sweet guy one minute total ass the next. Has been a shitty father since he left doesn't call the kids. Only sees them EOW and Wednesday nights. He works all day and night and all weekend. If he wasn't mid twenties I would say this is a MLC.

I packed his stuff and it is in the garage. I know it should be over for me but it isn't. I know I deserve better. Maybe this is just a down day and I will be back to my confident, bitch boot wearing self by the end of the week. But maybe there is something I am missing, something I haven't done or have done thAt can turn things around.

Advice? 2x4 me if necessary. (Be kind)

Ostrich80 posted 10/15/2013 15:13 PM

One thing I've learned, YOU can't love
them out of it. Balls in his court. Maybe filing will snap him out of it, I've read that is sometimes what it takes. No 2x4 s from me. It's hard to let go, I still haven't. I wish I would have filed on DD1, maybe it might have turned out different for us. My ws never had consequences. Has he had depression is his past..seems odd that he's content with a couch and not being involved so much with kids.

Eyeofthetiger posted 10/15/2013 15:16 PM

No depression in his past at all. He grew up in a two family house where his dad made him lunch and breakfast every morning. It is very weird to see him act this way. I know they say this is who they are now but everything he has done in the past 4 months is not anything I knew of him for the past 10 years.

nomistakeaboutit posted 10/15/2013 19:38 PM

Has been a shitty father since he left doesn't call the kids.

This would bother me....a lot.

I wondered, for a couple of months after DDay, if I was "missing something", so I understand the frustration you're experiencing. I wondered if maybe my WW (now xWW) maybe had a brain tumor, or something like that. She didn't. She just wanted more freedom and the chance to fully embrace her "wonderful" job. Now, I've got the kids and she sees them three weekends a month.

Go figure. Good luck.

fourever posted 10/15/2013 19:44 PM

No 2x4 for you, but daddy needs one upside the head!
He is selfish, immature and being a dick. He needs a dose of reality, and fast.
I actually think he's trying to wait you out.

Me? I would open an account and fund it with his money if you are able. Call an attorney, to find out what your rights are and to protect you and the kids while his head remains up his ass. Doesn't mean you have to go through with a divorce, but be prepared to do so if necessary. Sometime (often) this is the reality that gets through to them.
Mine didn't get it until I gave him to her with my blessings, as I didn't need him any more, I would be fine without him there.
Pull up your Bitch Boots, and let him have it. Do not accept this childish behavior one more day.
The terms are now yours after he took away your right to choose.
Be strong. .

womaninflux posted 10/15/2013 19:49 PM

My guess is that he is depressed about something (usually with these guys it is something stemming from childhood that is unresolved such as sexual abuse or early exposure to porn or attachment issues - or any combination thereof).

Also...any chance he witnessed a trauma? This has a huge impact.

I would suggest setting up a time to having a brief conversation about it. Go for a short walk. Express your concern over the state he is in, that it is no way to go through life and his children need a father who is thriving. Prepare a list of psychologists he can make an appointment with and ask him to do it for the kids. And just leave it at that. That is pretty much all you can do.

[This message edited by womaninflux at 7:53 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]

dmari posted 10/15/2013 19:52 PM

First of all, I want to send you BIIIIIG hug! What you are feeling is absolutely normal! My stbx also was not remorseful and now lives in a spare bedroom with his friend and friends mother and also has done nothing to repair the damage he has done on the relationship with his kids.

You don't need any 2x4's. Like myself, I had to accept that it takes 2 to make a marriage work. Even if one person really really really really wants it ... it still takes two. You know in your heart you were willing to do whatever it took to repair and rebuild your marriage. Now it's time to focus on healing and repairing you.

My stbx had depression and his therapist actually had the nerve to tell me stbx was going through a MLC. Fuck that. Depression doesn't cause your infidelity. Neither does a MLC. Bullshit.

I've been with stbx for over 20 years and I would have never ever in a million years guessed that he would betray our marriage vows and abandon our children. This IS who he really is.

Be gentle with your self today and continuing moving forward with YOUR life.

whiteflower99 posted 10/15/2013 20:03 PM

Big hugs.
You are like me. Or I am like you in that we don't want the reality we've been dealt.
But (gently) why do you want the reality he is giving you? What is it that makes what he is doing to you ok? You deserve more and better than this and you know it.
Sadly there is no magic pill or hypnosis that can force them to choose us. Believe me, I've looked. So it is up to us to create the life we want with the pieces of the life we thought we had.

Eyeofthetiger posted 10/15/2013 20:08 PM

Thank you all!!! I love it here. As soon as I wrote that I felt better. Just knowing people read it and totally understand.

He is def messed in the head. He hasn't talked to the kids since last Wednesday when he had them. Pathetic and really makes me hate his guts. My daughter wrote a story called "the true story". She showed me yesterday and I think that is where this emotion is stemming from. He story said (with lots of inventive spelling but I will spell correctly...) "my life started out good. When I was 5 it started to get bad. When I was 6 it was really bad. Now I am fine. My life is good again." I obv asked why her life was bad and she replied with "you know mommy!" I said no tell me and she said "because daddy left"

Stupid mother f***** son of a bitch. Urgh I have 1 million names for him but none of them deserve the title "daddy"

Eyeofthetiger posted 10/15/2013 20:10 PM

I think he just represents what used to make me happy. Love, friendship, family, etc. I want all that back. I want someone to share my life with. I have always been an independent person but I do like being able to share the end of the day with someone

nomistakeaboutit posted 10/16/2013 04:24 AM

Or am I just too blind to see what is right in front of me?

I think you see things quite clearly. You just don't want to lose "him", meaning maybe who he was, or who you hoped he would be. He's being an asshole right now.

In your situation, what would you think about sitting his couch-sleeping ass down and talking to him, with a copy of the divorce papers in your back pocket.

"Ok. You've moved out. Are you happier now? I love you. I want you......but only if you want me. Honestly, and i can take your honest answer, Do you miss me and our family? Do you want to be happy with us, or do you want to hide within your work?

If you hear and feel genuine love and remorse and hope for the future from him, grab his hand and say, come on, let's go home. If you don't hear love and remorse and a desire to come back, say, ok, here you go, and hand him the D papers, turn around, walk out, start your new life without him.

[This message edited by nomistakeaboutit at 5:50 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

Pippy posted 10/16/2013 05:30 AM

He works all day and night and all weekend.

Could you elaborate? Does he HAVE to, or is it his choice?
If he has to, this could be the root of his "unhappiness". They get stressed out and think making a drastic change a.k.a. "infidelity" will relieve it.

This does not mean he was justified. He chose to cheat and that's the kicker. Lots of people are stressed out and don't choose to cheat. But since you seem to wonder "why", this may be the root of it.

Do you want to spend your life always worrying that he will do it again whenever the going gets tough?

jemimapd posted 10/16/2013 05:31 AM

Sweetie, I think you are in love with the idea of the man you would like him to be.

The reality is that you are married to a self-centred, immature man-child. His treatment of you and his children is disgusting.

What will set you free is the truth about this man, not your hopes for him.

File and get some guaranteed child support.

OK now posted 10/16/2013 06:22 AM

I love you. I want you......but only if you want me

My version would be [and I think would be more effective]:
Listen dickhead, [optional insult], you've been messing me around for too long and I've reached the end of my patience. Here's the separation documents; I need to get your cheating ass out of my life so I can rebuild. Find a better husband and father for me and the kids. So sign the damn papers and get out of my life.

The speech is designed to give the impression that you've emotionally withdrawn and don't care anymore. Reached the end of your tether, so as to speak.
Not true, but if he signs the papers then you know where you stand. Of course you don't have to file, but you have a better idea of his mindset as well as winning some respect for your 'don't mess me around stance'

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