Anyway, we have moved. I was travelling between old home and new place for a month. I went through the computer today, and he is still looking at porn every morning and every night. He's still doing while I am in the next room.
Today, I saw that he found a site for hooking up with people in the area. It didn't look like he registered, but he was looking. I am not one bit comfortable with this, and I don't have a lot of time for researching the effects of porn.
What do I do? Wait and watch? I've tried saying things when he is treating me in such a way that I know he's watched it online. He's back to gaslighting me over every last fucking thing. I can't even talk about the kids without him jumping down my throat and when I call him on it he totally turns it around on me.
I don't know what to do anymore.
Together 17 years
Two great kids.
He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to
From what I have read, porn addiction is a sex addiction. For most porn addicts, they will escalate in frequency and type. A few will escalate to actual people.
But I have also learned, that I have no control over this. I can only state my side of the story. I know this is a struggle for my husband, so as he tries to abstain and "get better" I try to be supportive. I try to have a safe place for him to admit when its reentered his life. I try to remember that its not about me, its about an escape and other emotional issues.
I have stated some boundaries though. This is not something that I am accepting to live with or overlook. The three things that I have asked is that 1) We admit that this is beyond normal "guy stuff". This is a problem. 2) We are open and honest about it-no secrets and 3) This is addressed in IC.
He's got issues and you see what's happening. Until you deman it stops it won't. Even then he may not and that's why you have to be prepared for follow through.
him idiotic sex addicted, hormone addled, porn watching, post pubescent male with a walking hard on for anything without a penis
4 kids 15 13 12 8
Earned my *F* the hard way.
I wasn't happy about it. I'm not opposed to it. It's just not something I need.
Are you bothered by his porn use or not?
It sounds like you are very bothered by it. You have a right to be. Looking at OP having sex is akin to adultery. He is escalating his behavior, and behaving like an addict.
I'm sorry, but I haven't read all your other posts, so I'll ask a question: have you told him how you feel about his porn use? Have you told him your boundary? Does he acknowledge that he is disrespecting your boundaries?
Porn is affecting him, his attitudes and his behaviors. It is affecting you. You have a right in your M to be the only woman he looks at, and if he can't abide by that, you have a right to not be with him. He needs to know that it is you or them.
(if he is an addict, he will probably need some help breaking the addiction. SA meetings would help.)
His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley
Love Busters by Willard Harley
(for husbands) Becoming the Ultimate Husband by Reb Bradley
What do you do? Have you read "Boundaries" By Cloud and Townsend? Are you seeing an IC that believes porn can be harmful? Practicing boundaries with him or her?
Can you begin to detach? Concentrate on yourself? Do the 180 to get some clarity?
The bottom line is you know your H has poor boundaries with women and he isn't fixing them. What more is there to "know?" Will any additional information make a difference in your situation?
Even if he does decide to register for a site to hook up with others, how does this change the fact that your H has poor boundaries with women? Even if he cuts down on the porn and still treats you poorly, your DH still has an issue of having poor boundaries with women..
I do not believe marriage ever should be considered unconditional. You have a right to state the conditions under which you will remain married to your husband. Your husband also as the right to decide he does or doesn't want those conditions. But, again, you have a right to say what you behaviors you find acceptable/unacceptable in a marriage.
I am fine with others using porn but I don't want it in my life. I've always known he'd check it out and that never bothered me until I have seen what he's looking at over the past year.
I was clearly ignoring all signs if his secrets and doing so unconsciously by choice if that makes sense.
His porn is definitely effecting sex and I don't like it. I don't like him much right now either. He moved us here because he wanted to move home with all these reasons of having family around.
Well his mother is a pain in the ass hypochondriac that bitches about everything. She's an insane dog lady. She's not even nice.
Like I told him I didn't want to move here because we'd never see him. Well he's gone by 6am and doesn't get home before 7.
I'm happier without him around. I'm stuck unpacking and setting up the household. He rarely comments on the progress. He doesn't say bye on the phone. He doesn't say goodnight.
I know I'm not really great to be around right now because I'm exhausted. I unpack boxes, run up and down stairs a gazillion times a day, dealing with two cats and two kids and making dinner every night because he wants to have family dinners all of a sudden.
I am just in a fog of a mood going through the motions. Our stuff is still half in boxes so I feel very unorganized and can't figure out how to help myself right now.
Aldo, he is scheduled to have lunch with a woman who worked at his old company who cheated on her first husband with her current husband and she signs the last email "love, nancy". Seriously wtf is that about?
Sorry for babbling. I'm lost.
Everymans Battle. and. Boundaries in Marriage are two books that have helped me break this habit.
Key is I desired to change. My wife, for most of my M was fine with porn, even watched it with me. Even after I stopped cold turkey she wasn't convinced that was important to her.
I can tell you that first month was hard...I had urges. Now I can tell you it is lik I can breath deeply again...I feel free. I had used porn since puberty....fell sucker to society's lie that it is normal for men to do this, if your wife doesn't object to it and you still have regular sex with her it is not harmful.
That is all a lie.
Even if my M doesn't survive, this is the healthy way for me to live.
I pray more men realize this. There is a reason the title of the book that changed MY life is called "Everyman's Battle".
I have shared this journey with a few good male friends ... Each admitted to struggle with it too.
God be with us all.
I'm sorry I don't have any helpful advice to offer. Just to say our stories are similar and one way or another we'll get through this.