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namaste32 posted 10/15/2013 18:32 PM

We were in MC in the very beginning of DDay. It failed and we just did it on our own. Not many therapists to choose from here. Anyways...we were doing well on our own,R is going ok. We talk,work trough things together,things are better. We just recently ended up in therapy for a different reason,because we thought something was going on with one of our kids,I actually thought asperger or high functioning autisum,...so this therapist is really nice,very good with kids etc. She of course wants to see either me or my H alone,without the kid,background questions and so on. One day she says I seem stressed and I said yea,my 2 other kids are sick,my H works alot,yes I am a bit overwhelmed. She says I should come in alone,we could do yoga together and she ll talk to me a bit,so I say ok,why not,it may help,who knows right? So I go,and tell her about the infidelity,and how things are much better,and he changed and is doing all the work,blah,...but I of course also tell her,that after 3 years it still hurts like shit,and yea the triggers are under control,the anger passed mostly,so overall it going good,but the hurt is still there. So she says she can help us. We are like ok,lets try,and somehow the focus goes from the kid to us,and the next thing you know we are in the chair....we talk about all kinds of things,but the A. Because everytime we bring it up,she is overwhelmed with it. My H says she is tiptoing around it. She tells me ,I need to move on,let the past go,and live in the now. She says I shouldnt be hurt so far out. She asked me why I am hurt? Why dont I just let this rest,....and stuff like that. So now I am super pissed,even my H is like huh ,whats wrong with her? I am angry and confused. She doesnt know what she is talkin about. It pisses me off,that she knows so much about us,our entire family and we were doing so good but after this wierd sessions now it seems so fresh again,......you guys know what I mean? Oh yea,I forgot to mention,one time she got on me because I was super emotional during my cycle,sorry if this is TMI,but I get very needy and emotional and difficult that time of the month......and I also told her this is when it bothers me the most,she said I should keep that to myself and better not interact with anybody that time of the month,....so now of course I wish we would have never went,.....or is this normal? I am confused,......

Card posted 10/15/2013 18:45 PM

Fire this person and find someone to help work with your child.

This <cough> counselor is a not really helping anyone in your family.

Lovedyoumore posted 10/15/2013 18:48 PM

Many therapist, much wiser, are published with studies and anecdotes concerning infidelity and healing. The 3 to 5 year time frame comes up again and again with that being normal as long as both parties are working on the R. It can be much longer depending on the circumstances.

I hate to say this, but when you quoted your MC it sounded just like my H's OW telling me "it's been a year and a half" when she found out I was still upset, "get over it".

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/16/2013 05:06 AM

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like this counseler specializes in children... Not infidelity or marriage. I would be concerned that she was so quick to assume that she was the appropriate one to help. There are so many specialized fields in counseling/psychology. As a professional, she should have known that your particular issue is not hers.
I would try not to put too much stock in what she says, because it doesn't sound like this is her forte. Shame on her for not being more professionally aware about her skills and specialities.
You have been down a long road , and maybe counseling would help, but I don't think this is the one for you guys.
I wish you peace.

brokensmile322 posted 10/16/2013 05:28 AM

You know, when we went to our new MC, my WH asked about the time thing. I had been talking about the 3-5 yr rule that we all talk about for so long. My WH really was wondering about it....didn't know how it could go so long.

The MC looked right at him and said...This could go on for 17 more years or forever if you let it. It will go on for as long as you don't deal with it.

It was a huge eye opener for him.

Not all counselors are created equal. Fire this one and find another...one for your child and one for you or for MC.

I cannot stress how great a really good counselor is....


And FWIW, I think generally MC doesn't work right after dday....I would try again.

namaste32 posted 10/16/2013 05:40 AM

Thank you for your responses....I also forgot to mention that I brought up how helpful this site is and especially in the beginning and the healing library and etc.and of course how sometimes things here trigger me,but again all that was long time ago. And she says this site cannot and will not help anyone,when I feel the need to post or read ,I should open up a nice magazine instead,....WTF???? I am even more pissed then yesterday actually,....

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/16/2013 05:42 AM

A magazine? Seriously? Like better homes and gardens is gonna wash away the A?
Wow. Just wow.

SadFlower posted 10/16/2013 07:45 AM

Oh brother. She does not know what she's talking about. Open up a magazine? Give me a break. On what planet is that an acceptable response?

I don't know how I would have gotten through this without SI.

SorrowBhindSmile posted 10/16/2013 09:44 AM


And she says this site cannot and will not help anyone,when I feel the need to post or read ,I should open up a nice magazine instead

Maybe grab that magazine...roll it up and smack her in the head with it. Sorry, there goes that little streak of devil in me again!

WOW. That is very disheartening...and well, just plain bad advice all around. Everybody processes things in their own way and in their own time. This is a traumatic event...with effects that last a lifetime. Time for a new C. ugh.

3kids30years posted 10/16/2013 13:33 PM

Totally agree with ^^^^.

We had a very bad MC for 8 sessions, our first foray into the C world. We didn't know what was wrong, just that she didn't get it.

Found a new MC, and after 3 sessions we are doing much better. She is very soft spoken and a great listener. Please keep looking - they are out there. Promise. I'd even tell her why. I told our old MC exactly why we would not be coming back. She was stunned. Just doesn't get it.

For me, the hurt will always be there, it's how we deal with it that counts.

Lovedyoumore posted 10/16/2013 13:56 PM

With the last advice I really wonder what her personal history might be. Sounds like the advice an OW might give. Just get over it, hon.

Morhurt posted 10/16/2013 14:06 PM

Ugh. Just ugh. It's very scary to me how much worse a bad MC experience can make things. We've tried two MCs with no luck. The first was pointless but the second was damaging. I think if was about a month ago that we last saw her but last night I needed to vent it all out again to H, how hurtful and confusing her C technique was to me.

And you pay!!

I'm sorry you went through that, I hope somehow it works in your favour with the healing process.

sisoon posted 10/16/2013 18:02 PM

Your 'MC' clearly thinks she has competence that she lacks. She is certainly incompetent WRT helping couples recover from infidelity.

Our MC checked SI out before saying anything and then didn't say anything. The advice I've gotten here matches the advice she gives - she's big on NC, honesty, transparency, acknowledging responsibility, dates nights and visioning what we want in our M, confronting W's bullshit, etc.

A few times I've brought up my inability/unwillingness to trust my W as a problem. Instead of pushing me to 'get over it', she just says 'it's too early to trust her'.

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