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Why am I suddenly being treated like the wayward?

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TrulySad posted 10/15/2013 19:52 PM

We're trying to R. Some days are good, some are bad.

Today, he goes into my phone and blocks all contact information for an ex of mine. He had a couple of reasons.

First, he felt this man might still have a thing for me. I've received a couple of butt texts recently from this man. And two phone calls that I never answered. On one of the calls, he apparently had no idea he had butt dialed me, and a voice message indicated that. The other call was just a hang up (I assumed another butt dial.

And his second reason was that he's blocked two of his exes because they had been reaching out to him, sending him messages, clearly wanting to get with him. These two women are ones he lied to me about, and basically led me to believe one was only ever a friend, and the other he told me they were completely broken up with when him and I started dating (they weren't...they were taking a break). After learning of his ONS, and ALL the lies, 7 months later, he blocked these two. He feels I should block my exes now, because it's only fair.

Here's the thing... I have this ex in my phone because we still have a few things to exchange. It's been a long drawn out process, but there is finally an end in sight. When I left that man almost three years ago, I didn't feel safe getting my family's things from our joint home. So I only got things when I had someone to go with me. I have 5 kids, so this took a long time. Between the two of us, there were 7 kids and a very large house to divide. I just got the rest of my children's posessions this past summer. And now we are working on exchanging the photos and videos we each have, of the others children, on our personal computers. I've kept his info so I can send a text and say when I'm done, and I don't want to block his in case he sends a text having completed his end. There is NO conversation EVER between the two of us, and if he passed away tomorrow, the world is a better place. He's made this difficult, and I want it over. But I'm not going to block his number before I get the thousands of pictures he has of my children. We aren't fighting. In fact, he's recently married (which is why I think I'm finally getting the rest of my things back).

I've NEVER cheated on my WBF, never misled him, and have been beyond decent in all of this. But I have to say, I'm getting fed up. I feel like he's applying certain resrictions on me, that should apply to a wayward. I've always been an open book, so he can see whatever he wants to. BUT, I don't want to pay any more consequences for HIS actions. And I will not be treated like I'm the one who cheated and lie.

Also, he has yet to block the woman he had a ONS with. And the only reason he blocked these other 2, is because it's now free on ios7. He has one more issue to clear up, with a friend of his, regarding the man's wife. Yet... he hasn't.

I have no other exes numbers, with the exception of my XH, who I have the five children with. I am a SAHM, and my WBF has made comments, when I question what he does at work all day, about how I could cheat all day long and he'd never know about it.

I'm getting tired of this, and beginning to wonder if this is what I want for my life...This isnt R, it's more like a sentence.

[This message edited by TrulySad at 7:55 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]

SI Staff posted 10/16/2013 07:15 AM


sisoon posted 10/16/2013 14:40 PM

I'm very negative on his going into your phone to block your X.

It sounds like his boundaries are in the wrong place, and it sounds like a 'might makes right' move ... which adds up to possible abuse in my book.

It sounds like you confronted him. After he gave his reasons, did he back off? Did you ask him to change his behavior? How did he respond.

TrulySad posted 10/16/2013 16:09 PM

Thank you Sisoon for responding. I really do appreciate it. When I looked at my phone and saw what he had done, I removed the block and was flooded with a bunch of realities. It felt like he thought he could control me.

I got out of my last relationship because of so many things, one being my ex was extremely controlling. I'm starting to see similarities.

Here's the thing, with the help of my XH, I support my children. I don't need the help of a man. I wasn't looking for a relationship when I found myself in this one. I like myself and can be happy alone if that's where I find myself. So when this man did what he did, I was ending it. But then he threw me. He wanted to fight for me. So I've been trying.

Yesterday, it was such a wake up call. I will not be treated like a wayward. When I confronted him, he got angry and said he was done talking about it. (More control). I tried to explain how it was wrong to delete this ex from my phone until I got the rest of my things. It was as though common sense didn't apply here and I was doing something wrong for keeping this number.

Today, he's apologized, via text. I needed a break from talking to him on the phone. I guess I feel like if someone isn't going to listen to reason, it's a waste of my time. In texts he started justifying his actions, becoming defensive and then pointing out all the work he's doing.

When I asked what work that was, his response was basically not doing anything wrong.

I'm starting to think he doesn't get it. He's needing to do certain things in our relationship because of the ONS and lies. Regaining trust after it's been broken takes different actions than just earning trust for the first time.

ReunitePangea posted 10/16/2013 16:40 PM

TrulySad, I understand your frustrations. I think you are right that he doesn't quite "get it" because he seems focused on some of the wrong things.

BUT here is the thing, why is this really such a big deal for you? I understand your innocent but sometimes I think we need to show our WS how to properly respond in these type of conflicts. So what he wants you to block your ex, go ahead and do it.

You can also explain to him that your ex has some photos that you still want though so if he could handle that communication going forward to make sure that you get those photos that is all you really care about. Explain those photos of the kids are important to you. If you explain these things rationally and show him how to properly handle these type of situations maybe he will start to "get it" for himself.

You are right, you shouldn't have to be treated like a wayward. But if you show him that "hey its no big deal, i'm open with my communications and that is exactly what I expect from you" you are likely to get a better reaction from him. If you fight his request, you are only showing him that he should do the same.

TrulySad posted 10/16/2013 16:54 PM

I've tried explaining it to him like that. I have no issues with blocking this ex once I receive the pictures and videos. The only communication I've had with him is when he sends me a text saying he has more things ready, or I send him one, with the same info.

In the past year, we've had, I believe three drop offs. If I was to block him right now, it means I won't know if he's sent a text saying he has my things together. The last thing I want is for this man to get rid of my children's photos. We handled all this as respectfully as possible. If he saw that I blocked him, and had a text returned, it would be like poking a hornets nest. He's a cop, and not a very nice one. My WBF knew the situation, from the beginning. It's been a long, painful process, and one that my children and I have suffered from.

It's childish and selfish for my WBF to be worried about this ex, as a threat to him and I. That's all this is about. He's not thinking about my children, or that I have never done anything wrong to make him worry.

ReunitePangea posted 10/16/2013 17:00 PM

I've tried explaining it to him like that. I have no issues with blocking this ex once I receive the pictures and videos.

Maybe I am not fully understanding but if your WBF wants him blocked, why cant he handle this communication going forward? Send ex a text saying WBF is going to communicate with you further on this or something like that.

Why does it matter who communicates with your ex to get the photos?

TrulySad posted 10/16/2013 17:28 PM

Because sending a text with that stipulation will end with me not getting anything back. He won't even make the attempt. He's not trying to get with me, and my WBF has access to any communication. He goes with me to pick up the stuff, and sees everything.

Since I've started getting my things back, it's gone smoothly. Before that, it was hell. For almost two years, I fought to get these things. Because he's a cop, he knows the law. He doesn't have to give me the pictures and videos. All he has to do is claim he doesn't have them.

These are my children and my things. I am responsible for getting them back. I know how to handle this ex. And I know what to do and what not to do regarding him. Before I left him, he put a glock in his mouth and threatened to pull the trigger. I took my children and left our family home.

It's been hell getting to this point. But we are finally close to being competely done. I won't do anything to jeopardize the situation. Having my WBF being responsible for any future contact with him would be asking for trouble. Not to mention, these aren't his children and based off of all he's done, I have no idea if we will be together next week, let alone tomorrow.

I wish it was as simple as just letting him handle it all , but in this case, it wouldn't be a smart move.

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