"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

DOmomma09 posted 10/15/2013 21:21 PM

I just recently posted about my WH's online cheating here- http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=510642

He came home from work today still acting like he had no idea what I was talking about. He kept "guessing" at what I could be mad at him for. I told him if he refused to tell the truth his stuff would be waiting outside tomorrow. He eventually trickle truthed until he admitted what I already know. But who knows if there's more I don't know.

He kept saying he'd go to counseling, but I was so pissed I wasn't really responding to anything. I needed time to process everything, but within 10 minutes of admitting it he was asking what custody of our daughter would be like. When I still wouldn't talk to him he decided to pack up all his things and leave. Before he left he told me he was sorry for everything, but that was the only bit of remorse shown. He did start to cry when he kissed our baby goodbye.

I don't know how to feel, a big part of me wants to call him and tell him to come back. But at the same time I feel like he should feel the pain I feel ten fold. Why should he get off easy and not have to go through the gut wrenching anxiety I did? Watching my daughter cry when he left seriously broke my heart, and I'm having a really hard time holding it all together. I don't know how I can possibly take care for a 15 month old along with a newborn all by myself.

I'm so mad at him for putting me through this while pregnant. And he sure didn't fight very hard for my forgiveness. I'm usually unable to control tears and always cry when we fight, but this time I showed no emotion. I wonder if that made him think I have already checked out emotionally so there would be no point fighting for my forgiveness. Can he even really be sorry when he was still cheating online two days ago?

sadtoo posted 10/15/2013 22:10 PM

Don't beg for him to come back.

He wants to be single? Let him. But don't make it easy for him. Go see an attorney right away. File for divorce. Request spousal support and child support.

Then change the locks. You deserve better than this.

jjct posted 10/16/2013 07:31 AM

You may not legally be able to change locks, but you can certainly add new ones.

I read your other thread, and agree with sadtoo. I'm sorry.
Filing and having him served starts the process, it doesn't end your M.
There is still time for him to come clean, but at least you are protected.
Get locks for the windows and back gate too - he's too creepy & you really need to be safe from that dysfunction.
Let friends and family know - you need support.
Hugs and comfort and strength to you!

DOmomma09 posted 10/16/2013 09:16 AM

I know he doesn't want to be single, but he also has a hell of a time sucking up his pride to show it. Also, I can't legally file for divorce while pregnant. I do plan on meeting with a lawyer to explore my options and potentially file for legal separation.

As far as he knows, I'm completely done and don't want to work on anything. That's not really how I feel, but I need him to take me seriously this time. In the past I've threatened but never followed through, and things clearly just got worse. He seems truly sorry, and he's okay being the one to leave our house. He asked about custody of our daughter and I told him I shouldn't have to change our lives because he fucked up. He didn't seem to fight that and just asked if he'll still get to see her. So I think he's allowing me to keep this as normal as possible even if it's not what he wants.

I woke up this morning to a text from him saying he didn't admit to everything because he was embarrassed, that he's sorry and has a problem he's going to get help for. He's usually so closed off, for him to admit this was honestly a big deal. And he didn't have to say it, especial since he thinks reconciliation is off the table. He doesn't have anywhere to stay, and we'd use up our whole savings if he continued to stay in a hotel. So he was planning on driving two hours to stay with his parents. I don't want his parents to know our business and what's going on yet. It's our daughters 1st birthday party this Sunday and I don't want it ruined because of my husbands poor choices. Would it be crazy to have him come home and sleep on the couch? If we did live together for a while longer I'm pretty sure I'd file for separation so that it's clear I'm not just taking him back.

I told him we need to talk about what he needs to do before I feel comfortable leaving our daughter alone with him. He was doing all of this with her in the room, which I find to be incredibly inappropriate. He agreed. I was also considering a list of demands for if he wants any chance of reconciliation.

So far I was thinking:
1-Individual counseling
2-marriage counseling
3-being totally open with all electronics and passwords
4-taking a positive discipline class for parenting our daughter
5-no porn or anything blatantly sexual.

I know most people probably think I need to leave him. My circumstances right now just make that really hard, and I don't think it would be physically possible to take care of two babies alone, support us, and finish school. Also, it's hard to hear other people say this is predatory behavior or that he's a creep. I'd say the same thing if it were someone else, but that's just not who I see when I look at him

I'm so strangely calm about everything right now, it's sort of freaking me out.

sadtoo posted 10/16/2013 09:40 AM

I just read your other posts.

I think it would be a HUGE mistake to let him back in the house at this point. All you are showing him by your actions is that you are weak and willing to be a doormat.

He has done NOTHING to repair this damage. He has only provided words, which frankly should mean nothing to you at this point.

I know you want to hold your family together, but you are dealing with a lying, sick, sex addict. And this is only what you know. There is probably much, much more.

I know you don't want your families to "know your business" right now, but you are going to need support. You have nothing to be embarassed about and you should not protect him from the consequences of his behavior. If he expects you to enable his behavior right now, he is not serious about getting help.

DOmomma09 posted 10/16/2013 10:44 AM

So if I don't let him come back yet, do I still give him the same requirements for reconciliation? Or do I need to let him think there's no chance of getting back together for awhile longer?

What about if I let him back for a couple days so he can look for somewhere else to go instead of paying $100+ a night for a hotel? His parents live two hours away and he has to be at work by 7. I can't imagine he's going to be waking up at 4 each morning to get to work, and we really can't afford for him to miss. I don't want to mess this up, and I'm not sure how exactly to proceed. I'm sure allowing my feelings to guide me is a poor choice, but I don't know how else to gauge what is an appropriate response.

My WH is typically in charge of watching our daughter while I do homework. She's really demanding, and won't really play alone. I don't know how I'm going to be able to get anything done by myself. And once I have a newborn, I'm going to be totally screwed. Part of me wants to just emotionally check out and tell him we can live like roommates until I graduate and get a job, then we can split.

Last night I was so numb and preoccupied with processing everything in my own head, I didn't really have anything to say to him. Now that it's sort of sunk in and I've calmed down, I have all these questions. Mainly, I want to know WHY. What did he get from those inappropriate posts that was so valuable to him that it was worth risking his family? Why my baby board of all places, which makes it seem like an intentional slap in the face? Did he assume if got caught that I'd just let it go, or did he just not care? I wonder if it even crossed his mind that what he was doing was disrespecting his pregnant wife.

I also have a lot I want to say to him. I want to make sure he knows what he did is cheating, and also how sick it is that he was manipulating other unknowing people in the process. I want him to know and be embarrassed that the owners of the board are aware who he is and he will soon be banned from the site. I want him to hear in great detail the stress he's caused not only me, but his unborn baby. I haven't been able to eat or sleep, and had a constant pit of anxiety in my stomach. Above all, I hope he fully grasps the hurt his daughter is going to feel for the rest of her life if we split, all because of HIS choices.

heartache101 posted 10/16/2013 11:11 AM

First make him go home to momma and pappa! He needs to face consequences for his actions! So what if they know will they support him while he is getting help also help hold him accountable? No comouter no sex tv porn etc.., Let him drive to work at 4 am tough crap for him he should of behaved!!
If they hide what they did they willgo back to same behavior! Bring it out in the light of day!

doggiediva posted 10/16/2013 11:13 AM

I wouldn't let him come back home...And keep him informed that R is still off the table..The extra $100's are worth it...Even though it sounds hard and it will be a mess at first, you will find a daily routine that works with you and your child/studying, etc and you will thank your stars that you didn't back down and let him come back home...
If you don't have it already, you need some IRL support even if it isn't family..Going thru the process of getting and keeping a support system is a good thing..I think this will do wonders for your confidence and faith in yourself, that you can get thru anything without HAVING to depend on a partner..That kind of knowledge and confidence is priceless..

heartache101 posted 10/16/2013 11:13 AM

He has taken a small step by opening up. Good for him now he needs to move mountains for himself and his family. I hate porn and what it does to families! I get it I really do. He has to man up!

heartache101 posted 10/16/2013 11:23 AM

Ok darlin I went and read all his manupulative ways. I would say he is a sex addict but I am not a doctor or psychiatrist. He needs help.
You dont have to divorce and R can still be on the table. I myself would make it a marriage requirement no computer use period no smart phone no tablets etc. Gotta take the drug ftom him! This way you will know if he is serious about his marriage. Get his parents in on it I mean they are going to know let them help hold him accountable. You can do this it will be a hard road and a lot of work from him! I wish you luck honey. When is that baby due? Oh and make him stay at mom and dads till your marriage counselor thinks he is ready to come home, JMO.

doggiediva posted 10/16/2013 11:30 AM

Once you are used to living on your own, you will get a lot of clarity..In the process you may find that you do not want your WH back.. You will have better motivation to do what it takes to move on with your life if it turns out that you don't want to R..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:32 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

DOmomma09 posted 10/16/2013 12:57 PM

Ugh, I know you guys are right. It's just hard to accept. We do plan on meeting to talk, I have questions I need answered and we also need to discuss our daughter.

I have a lot of pressure from my family to work things out. I've been told repeatedly that "I owe it to my kids to fix it." I got irritated and told them it's not all on me to fix things, and I'm not the one who created the situation in the first place. Where is HIS obligation?

After doing some reading I'm pretty sure he's at the very least a porn addict. I'm not sure about him being a sex addict.. while we did have a very active sex life, to my knowledge he never had sex with anyone else. But I know he's complained about wishing he had a lower sex drive because it was so exhausting, so maybe he is, idk. He fits the description of a WS to a tee, insecure and always holding everything in.

Baby is due January 28.

sadtoo posted 10/16/2013 13:07 PM

Even if you ask him your questions, there is no guarantee he will answer honestly. He's already shown he will lie right to your face. So I think asking him anything right now is pointless.

DOmomma09 posted 10/16/2013 13:18 PM

I at least want him to explain to me why. It's not exactly something he can just deny... I know he did it, and I know there's a reason why. Also, I think I'm pretty good at knowing when he's being genuine. Every other time I've caught him being deceitful it's because I could just look at him and know, so I snooped. I installed this keylogger DAYS after he started this behavior. Things had been going really well, but I had that feeling again. I just knew.

Hope2B posted 10/16/2013 13:43 PM

I think he needs to face just how serious this is. He's probably not telling you everything either, as that Trickle Truth is likely to come later.

What about if I let him back for a couple days so he can look for somewhere else to go instead of paying $100+ a night for a hotel? His parents live two hours away and he has to be at work by 7. I can't imagine he's going to be waking up at 4 each morning to get to work, and we really can't afford for him to miss.

Now you're trying to give him an out under the guise of "helping" him just for a few days, and imho, that decision would be a HUGE mistake.

So what if he has to get up at 4:00 am to go to work if he stays with his folks? So what if he is paying $100/night? There are cheaper MOTELS nearby, I'm sure.

Make him EARN his place with you and with the kids!

karmahappens posted 10/16/2013 13:47 PM

I am sorry you are here and hurting.

IMO you have already made up your mind and he will be home. You will initially say (and believe)it's to save money so he can sleep on the couch, then after a little time he will slime his way back into your bed and things will get swept under the rug...

It's just what I feel from your posting, and I hope I am wrong.

You need support and you should not be embarassed to reach out for it.

He is out of the house right now, let him stay out and get your ducks in a row.

The behavior he is displaying is at the least, creepy. I would be nervous about him. I know you don't see it this way, but listen to others right now. We dont always want to see what is right in front of us.

I would see the attorney, get info for assistance with childcare and whatever else you may need. Start putting your ducks in a row so you and your kids are protected. Let him go home to his parents.

You can't guilt him into being "good" and you cant make him see what he doesn't want to look at. Loving him won't make him right...he needs to take steps to heal and find his whys on his own. He needs to want it.

Getting him home would mean you have his body in the house, not his heart or his love. Don't settle for that, you and your kids deserve more. If it means your teaching degree waits a year it's a small price to pay for peace of mind.

Dig and see what else you can find...if this is just the tip of the iceberg and he is embarassed about more you don't know what else he is into.

Don't risk yourself right now.

Please continue talking and sharing, we all want you to be ok, and you will be...with time.

Take care of you.

karmahappens posted 10/16/2013 13:52 PM

Also, I think I'm pretty good at knowing when he's being genuine.

I missed this. ^^^

WE ALL think this way in the beginning. They can become more sneaky and deceitful than you could imagine. The man you think you know isn't "home" right now, he's either gone or has always been like this but hidden it well. He is a liar do not trust his words. Trust your gut....it is probably screaming.

Believe me, the people here see what you can't right now. The collective wisdom is the best around!

[This message edited by karmahappens at 1:52 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

DOmomma09 posted 10/16/2013 14:45 PM

I do hear you all and am listening, even if doesn't seem like it.

Karma- honestly, you're probably right. While the financial and practical aspects of him staying here are genuine, I'm sure part of it is just that I want him back. I'm positive there is a part of me that wants to just close my eyes and pretend it never happened. What's making it hard to ignore is that I feel numb to it all. I'm not mad or even sad right anymore. I honestly just feel sort of 'whatever' about it. So it's hard to keep my resolve and kick him out for good.

I'm also very familiar with addiction, so I can sympathize with doing something you don't exactly want to based on impulse. So far he's seemed sorry and been willing to do pretty much whatever I want to make this process easier on me. I know that's just the very first step, and I don't plan on leaving it at that. I've made a list of very specific requirements and consequences. I have an appointment with an IC who also does MC should I choose, and also with a lawyer. I plan on looking into all my legal options regardless of my desire to reconcile. If he breaks one of my reconciliation requirements, I'm done and will file for divorce as soon as I'm legally able. So I'd like to believe I'm trying to not rug sweep.

So far I am inclined to believe there has been no physical cheating. But honestly I doubt he would admit it at this point anyway, and any ONS while traveling I'd have no evidence of. I do believe addiction has played a role in all this now that I've read more about it. The way they described escalating seems to fit the situation perfectly. From the keylogger I can see he was looking at really weird porn (stuff I've never heard of, and I'm no prude) that then led to him needing to chat with actual people.

But I definitely do feel like I may not know this person, I was absolutely shocked to see what he was looking at. Nothing illegal but strange enough for me to need him to get help before I feel comfortable handing over partial custody of our daughter. It's just such a weird feeling because I can't connect the behavior with the person I see in front of me.

He did ask me how I found out, and that concerns me that maybe there's something else I don't know about. I've ran scenarios through my head where he asked because he was wondering if he left that one page up or if I've somehow traced all his internet activities. But maybe he's just wondering if I know about the weird shit he's been watching. He has been doing all this on the computer I just bought him for his birthday with money from my college savings, which just makes it even more of an insult. So in anger I told him he would not be taking the computer I bought to continue his activities. Now I'm thinking more clearly and will be giving him the computer back so I can see if there's anything else going on. Although I'm pretty sure he suspects a key logger, I saw he was googling information about the antivirus I installed. So he may be on his best behavior, but it's at least worth a shot.

doggiediva posted 10/16/2013 15:24 PM

I am definitely familiar with that pressure and advice one gets from the parents and the in laws to work out the marriage problems and don't S or D for the sake of the kids...I sensed that part of the motivation for that kind of advice from my parents was the fear that my kids would be dumped onto them at all hours of the day for babysitting..

At this point in time that lawyer appointment will be the MOST important one for you to keep..Formulate the questions you want to ask him and write them down and bring these written questions with you..In the off chance that you get overwhelmingly emotional during the appointment, the lawyer might be kind enough to read the questions and give you verbal or written answers to your written questions..Ask about prenups/post nups, separation, custody anything you can think about...Make this first appointment all about protecting yourself for the immediate future..

DOmomma09 posted 10/16/2013 16:30 PM

^I'm sure that's part of it, my mom already watches my daughter two days a week. We can't afford two rents and I can't imagine my husband staying with his parents for good, so if we split I'm pretty sure I'd have to move in with my parents. And once the new baby comes, they would inevitability assume some unasked for responsibility. That's another reason why I'd consider working things... My parents seriously drive me nuts and the idea of living with them along with two babies already makes me want to scream.

I still haven't given WH any hope for reconciliation, but he scheduled an IC session for himself anyway, and has begged me to do MC. I told him I think he just needs to work on himself right now. I read that recent thread about "what I wish I'd known", and decided to wait a month before committing to anything. If after one month he's still remorseful, completely open, and regularly seeing his therapist then I'll consider MC.