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My birthday: triggering and then OW wishes me Happy Birthday.

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Nest2007 posted 10/15/2013 21:53 PM

This time a year ago, we had brought our baby daughter home after five weeks in the SCN. I'd been at home with her for just two days, and we were enjoying familial bliss. He hadn't even met OW yet, and our life and relationship was just fantastic.

Fast forward a year and we're just over 4 months out from DDay and R is going really well. I explained to fWH a few days ago that I haven't forgotten, that my A and aftermath 'reel' plays over constantly in my mind, but it's now like background tv: it's always there but it causes me no pain. It's the triggers that bring my pain to the fore again.

This morning I took my daughter to playgroup at the school where my H and OW work. Some of the other mums wished me a happy birthday and one said she'd made a baked cheesecake for me to celebrate. THEN came the trigger. There was a normal conversation about baking etc, and K, who'd made the cheesecake said "yeah, we had dinner at OW's house on Saturday and she made this beautiful cheesecake so I got the recipe to try it..."


But no-one knows about the A, about OW's pursuit of my H, about her total hypocrisy in pursuing a friendship with me to justify her actions - none of it. The thought of eating that cheesecake made me feel sick. Made me want to shout THIS is what that woman did! Do you know the pain and damage she caused?! Don't be fooled by her!

Instead I have to hold it all in, smile as they sing to me, eat cake and quietly feel my heart breaking all over again.

Then it gets worse. This term my H has finally convinced his principal (who does not know about the A) to restructure classes so that my H no longer has to team teach with OW. She takes a separate group of special needs kids in another classroom and is responsible for her own teaching and planning for them, instead of assisting them and planning with my H in his main class group. Downside is that the classes have been moved to a bigger classroom block and she has a room right next to my H.

Assuming she'd be back in her office several buildings away, I walked over to H's classroom to say hi and give him some time with our DD in his break. I walked past her room and there she is looking out at me. I completely ignored her, spent time with H and returned to playgroup to pack up and leave.

As I was leaving she comes over to playgroup (she has NEVER done this, ever before) and wishes me a happy birthday (wtf? Really? Now that you've just ruined it???) and then says to K (cheesecake maker) something about how much she enjoyed having them over blah blah blah. Nothing that couldn't have been said over the phone or in a text message. Top this off with the fact that K and I attend a bible study together, and I've been sharing my pain and dealing with issues about forgiveness etc, all to do with the A (not revealed to the ladies at bible study) and another lady who's our bible study leader (and attends the same church as OW) is also at playgroup, so seeing them hugging OW and interacting in a friendly way with her just makes my blood boil.

I know she did it deliberately. It was bad enough to be suffering from the inadvertent trigger by K and the cheesecake, but miserable to have to see her and be spoken to by her. So pissed to have triggered on my birthday.

heartache101 posted 10/15/2013 22:26 PM

You need to out her period! She has not paid the price she will just hurt another family. she is very manipulative i would demand my spouse find or transfer he made this mess he needs to be proactive and clean it up!
Happy Birthday. I would of said I was allergic to cheesecake.

Nest2007 posted 10/16/2013 07:24 AM

Sadly outing her means outing my husband and that is disastrous for our family's financial situation. They would both be fired. No question. Only 8 weeks left in the school year so we may be able to move locations and jobs next year.

I explained to fWH today that I want consequences for her without any for him. I don't mean getting fired consequences, I mean social ostracism, plenty of cold shoulder as all the people she's portraying this facade to are firmly on my side. They just don't know what she's done. I truly hate it.

LA44 posted 10/16/2013 08:26 AM

You know Nest2007, I really get wanting to out her bc believe me, I was going to do the same to the AP in our sitch. H said, "she could get fired" and I said, "I really don't give a shit." And I meant it. I could care less.

But I knew that outing her meant outing him and that just didn't work for us bc we wanted to R. I would imagine him walking into a meeting, or anything work related and feeling eyes on him. And while the A has been the absolute worst thing to date in my life to deal with, I knew that I could not intentionally bring that kind of attention to him just to get her. Ultimately, I knew it would hurt our R.

Keep taking the high road, Nest. I honestly believe you will reap the rewards in every way if you do.


Bikingguy posted 10/16/2013 09:10 AM


how horrible for you that OW appears to be such a - well we are in the R part of the forum, so I will refrain from dissing OW!
This is my fear that the path crossed with OM will occur with either my kids, his kids or any that I volunteer for will be around and that he would pretend like nothing happened. Really hoping to run into him in a dark alley Maybe I need to hang out more in dark alleys!

We all know our best approach is to ignore and not give them any head space. We also know how hard that can be. Even though you may not think it, but it sounds like you handled it very well. I cannot imagine how hard it would be to see OW almost daily. Can you draw a quick sketch of OM and throw the cheese cake at it?

PinkJeepLady posted 10/16/2013 09:20 AM

Wow, the nerve! I am with bikingguy about throwing the cheesecake......!
Cakes of any kind are sacred to me and I would suggest having another "birthday celebration" if you will, with an absolutely fabulous cake. Make or order something decadent and take some pictures for good memories.
Do not let anyone, especially an OW mare a day meant to celebrate the beautiful person you are! Get yourself some delicious cake and EAT IT! Rise above for sure!
Take care

bionicgal posted 10/16/2013 14:43 PM

Ugh. You clearly have a narcissistic OW who thinks you give a rat's patootie.

So, you can't. I would act as if she were invisible. I bet that would drive her absolutely batty. Is she married? If so, does her H know?

I, too, have an OW in close proximity that I have to see on occasion. And, like you, we told very few people as there are kids involved, and we are trying to protect them. Are you certain about the rules about inter-office engagement there? Isn't it hard to replace teachers?

I didn't see the OW on our anniversary yesterday, but one thing my H and I did triggered me badly, and I did have to think about her. I tried to do so as little as possible and get on with my fantastic day. So, give her as little mental space as you can.

Our DDays are very close together, so I understand where you are at. Hang in there - PM me if you need someone to talk to.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 2:44 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

sisoon posted 10/16/2013 15:02 PM

If you can't out the **** (I typed the asters myself, thereby keeping this within guidelines, I hope), how about a lawyer's letter demanding NC?

Nest2007 posted 10/17/2013 06:46 AM

It's a Christian school, of which I used to be the principal (before my H and OW started working there) They'd definitely get fired. And despite OW being the aggressor, seductress whatever, and knowingly pursuing a married man when her own marriage was on the rocks (she had decided to leave him early this year, before she'd even met my H. Think she wanted to move onto the next partner before leaving the last. Monkey and a branch analogy.), none of that would be considered. An A is an A, the details only matter to the guilty and injured parties.

She left her BH (and moved into a house seven doors down from ours!!!) but recently moved back in with her BH. Was so happy the day we saw a new family moving in to that house! BH knows about the A. She's had an EA before.

I like taking the high road. But justice fantasies are nice ;-)

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