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Just an update..

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TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/16/2013 05:23 AM

So we are almost at three months and seem to be doing okay.
The horrible pain is gone, now it's just this ever present uneasiness. We have been talking so much. Seemed to plateau a little bit this week. We spent time with the kids (awesome!) and are getting back into the routine of life.
Someone else had mentioned this before, and I actually said something to H- the A as a security blanket. If I stop talking about it, does that mean im over it? No. I know it doesn't. I'm not angry, I'm not tortured, I'm just... Here. And it is so different than before.
I'm trying to adjust. I'm quiet, a little withdrawn. I know I'm not done talking about things, an yet... I don't know what else to say.
I need something from him, but I don't know what. I think that going from these weekends of talking and bonding an then "splash" right back into "normal" have thrown me off a bit.
I'm doing okay though. Giving myself time, trying not to "try" too hard. He is being great- but I just feel like there has to be ... More, I guess. I just don't know what of.
Sigh.... Not really sure what I'm looking for. I don't want to go away- that's not it. I just feel untethered and like this is all just an act. I'm waiting for some epiphany- but I truly don't know what about.
Best to just ride it out I guess.
Thanks for listening.

catlover50 posted 10/16/2013 05:35 AM

I remember feeling this way. At this point my H had not given me his "narrative" and I still was not comfortable with the whys. He preferred not to talk about it, but would if I brought it up. However he seemed disappointed when I did because it would bring us down.

We would have discussions every few days. In between there was HB and improved closeness. Finally at 5 months I got the narrative, after some pushing. It was pages long and went back to his childhood and detailed all the whys that he was aware of, as well as his feelings all along about me, OW, etc.

That was a turning point. I still read that every now and then. We still had (and have) work to do, but that was what I was "waiting" for. He continues to grow and change, as do I.

Good luck to you.

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/16/2013 05:57 AM

Thank you. That did help. I think I have this nagging idea that we only touched on the whys. And only because I prompted most if the discussions. He has offered some and had some great reflective moments- but I just don't know when enough is enough with the digging into the whys.
On the surface, I get it. FOO issues, several very stressful life situations, etc etc. I understand the whys- as much as I can. And changes have definitely been made so we are so NOT in the same position as we were. But... Still... We already had so many boundaries that we agreed on as a married couple. No opposite sex friends, no contacts with exes, always get eachothers back (even if we disagree, we would support each other and then we would talk about it in private)- he was the one that talked about all of these safeguards BEFORE any of this happened. He worked crazy hours in a man oriented field, we separated ourselves from friends who had A's- really didn't hang with a lot of people because they disrespected their marriages- all of this BEFORE the A. He didn't go out drinking (we rarely drink), hated strip clubs, didn't do guys weekends, I didn't do girls nights- we had kids and careers and each other. .
So how did it happen? I guess I am back there again. I guess the how just doesn't sit with me now. Maybe the surface reasons were just a band aid for the first few months.
I don't know. Looks like more taking is needed....
Thank you :)

catlover50 posted 10/16/2013 06:32 AM

You're welcome, hon.

I agree that you need to keep digging. It is early yet. You'll get there!

heartbrokeninaz posted 10/16/2013 08:31 AM

I am right there with you. My DD was about the same as yours. I am not angry, I don't hate him, but I am stuck. We have talked about it and I know the details but I still don't get the why after 17 years of marriage. I feel like what he tells me is an excuse rather then a why. I guess maybe they are one and the same. He wasn't needed, no communication between us, we felt like we were roomates, etc. I felt the same way but didn't act on it. I didn't try to work on it either. Not blaming me all. It takes two to make things work though. Don't feel alone. I know exactely where you are and how you feel. Keep working on it! I wish you good thoughts and lots of healing.

[This message edited by heartbrokeninaz at 8:34 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

Bikingguy posted 10/16/2013 08:58 AM

Just a gentle warning and not to try to bring you down. But there is a reason this is compared to a roller coaster. Also for many of use the steam out the ear rage/anger came around 6-8 months. Everyone processes this different so hard to say, but just know that there may be hard days ahead - and I have experienced many times there is no specific reason for why?

Absolutely enjoy the good days, and work hard to get through the rough ones.

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