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fww acting withdrawn. Anyone else had this issue?

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2married2quit posted 10/16/2013 08:08 AM

So she's going through some really rough times. From guilt, to shame, to self loathing to feeling stupid. Right now she hates herself and feel stupid. So as a result, she's withdrawn from me. No sex, no hugging, no kissing. Of course after all this I feel as though I'm being rejected, but she assures me, it's her. She hates herself for everything that's happened. Not to mention other stress we have on top of us (financial).

Anyway, anyone else gone through this. I suppose I have to give her room to feel and heal too, but I feel lonely. I am trying to heal myself and be able to sustain without her so I can be whole again. Lately it's been only pieces of me, but I'm starting to feel whole again and independent. I do have my moments as I am human and after 2 decades of being married, I do need to be loved.

At least the hard pain is gone. Still hurt, but the edge is not as bad anymore.

Comments? Suggestions?

wifehad5 posted 10/16/2013 08:25 AM

Healing from this is hard, for both sides. Sometimes taking a bit of a break helps keep you going in the long term.

My question is, other than withdrawing and hating herself, what's she doing to heal herself?

Itsgoingtobeok posted 10/16/2013 09:01 AM

I hate when my WW gets closed out and withdrawn . It makes me fill that she is completing something that is not healthy to the M . I make it a point that she needs to tell me why she is withdrawn.

StillStanding1 posted 10/16/2013 09:06 AM

2M2Q, Yes! My WH is totally withdrawing. We were doing really well all summer. Went on a camping trip for a week with our boys over 7/4. Took the whole family for a last summer hurrah - whitewater rafting, horseback riding, etc. the last weekend of summer. He was over almost every night during July and August. Always telling me he loves me and how amazing and wonderful I am. Suddenly in September, he starts pulling away and having more "doubts". He has also pointed to "self-loathing" and his "pain", but I can't help but think it's more addiction withdrawal and yearnings for OW. I wonder if he's broken NC, naturally.

It doesn't sound like that is the case for your wife. Hers sounds more introspective. I don't have any advice.

Just want you to know I understand how lonely and rejected you feel. I am totally there. I feel so lonely and unloved. I thought we had put a lot of fun back into our sex life, yet he is still yearning for the thrill he had with her. Talk about feeling inadequate. He still hugs me occasionally, but I am starting to pull myself away emotionally and physically in the last few weeks. There's only so much rejection I can take....

So sorry you are feeling down. I hope she can battle her demons and give you the love you deserve!

2married2quit posted 10/16/2013 12:42 PM

yes, the rejection is hard. I've learned to deal with it. I don't think she longs for OM because she closed the book on that. Perhaps the thrill, but still, what she's dealing with now has made her loath herself and her action.

I think her pulling away maybe healthy to a degree. Me being loving towards her probably makes her feel more like shit. Just the rejection and feeling unloved that makes me (BS) very vulnerable. One can easily call it quits, find something to fill the voice including an EA. It's a tough place to be.

Smokehouse posted 10/16/2013 13:32 PM

My WW does the same for days at a time. I also wonder if she misses the OM. Still not completely sure.

While she is great most of the time, helping me get through this, she does go within herself and I can tell she is sad. I try to just be supportive, loving, and let her know I do love her. My WW created the shit storm, but, I'm going to weather it with her. Maybe nobody agrees with that, it is working so far though.

atsenaotie posted 10/16/2013 13:51 PM

yes,fww went through and still goes through bouts of depression and withdrawal that have become worse since dday. This is another one her issues she needs to get sorted out; and yes, it sucks to put up with after all the other crap.

I suppose I have to give her room to feel and heal too, ...

It got to the point with fww that about a year ago I was talking to her about separating to D. You do not have to give her anything, but you can weigh staying together versus separating.

I have made it clear to fww that I am looking for more than she owns her crap and no longer is seeing OM. I want to have a full and interesting partner in my M, or otherwise why be M?

I do not believe that my fww misses any of her OM, but I do believe that she struggles having abandoned her former unhealthy coping mechanisms, but not yet well practiced in new coping mechanisms for stress.

Is your W seeing an IC to help with this and other aspects? How has she been progressing?

brokensmile322 posted 10/16/2013 14:01 PM

2 married 2 quit...

How does she respond when you do things together? Like if you spent time together...can she be there in the moment enjoying herself or is she withdrawn then too?

I would guess that if she is withdrawn then too...and I am not just talking physically (is she there the moment)...then I would guess you feel more rejection.

If this is what is going on, I think she needs IC to try and work through these feelings. You do need to connect and it will be lonely for you if you are not getting any type of connection.

Hugs! I am sorry you are in this pain right now.

2married2quit posted 10/16/2013 14:13 PM

atsenaotie & brokensmile322 - She's not doing IC, but we're talking about it. It's part of R and she has not made an effort. Sometimes she initiates the call to the IC, but then drops the ball by not following up.

She does respond well when together and is in the moment, but other times she's upset, angry, edgy. Like an on going PMS.

I have said that if the R is not really happening, then she should let me know so I can look at my options.

Adultery is indeed a shit storm. This is the stuff they don't tell you about.

brokensmile322 posted 10/16/2013 14:45 PM

I do think IC is absolutely essential...even for you...if you are not in it, I recommend it.

I can't tell from your tag have dday as 2013. I am assuming that when you put that you had TT until 9/12 that this is the day and not the year?

If so, your dday is relatively recent. I suspect, but don't know for sure since I am BS, that she probably is defogging still and has the self loathing you describe. Anger is an emotion that masks another feeling. She has feelings that need to be dealt with and usually a BS is not the best sounding board with this. We often end up with feelings hurt.

I would try to make IC a condition. Do not accept her procrastination. I would work on you a bunch since ultimately, you cannot control her. And I would try to focus on these 'dates' to continue to try to make a connection with her. But only do it as long as she is making an effort.

IMHO, her hurting is not an excuse for her to treat you poorly. She needs to get help if she can't deal on her own.

2married2quit posted 10/16/2013 16:12 PM

brokensmile322 - Sorry, fixed the date. Typo.

still-living posted 10/16/2013 16:23 PM

My wife went through these periods which lasted for a day or two until she told me (what I believe) is the whole truth. The best thing she did for HERSELF was to tell me the whole truth. Telling me the whole truth was an obvious weight lifted off her soul, afterwhich these moments of retracting stopped.

What I'm thinking is why else would she retract after supposedly spilling her guts to you? Telling half truths only makes it worse for her.

We are all selfish in way. I recommend that you express to her how benificial it would be for HER if she talked openly about what she is feeling. You will need to talk and act and respond positively and give her a free pass. Don't be surprised if she tests you first by leaking a little first. If there is more truth to be told, then you need to make her believe telling it to you is benificial for HER.

[This message edited by still-living at 4:38 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

2married2quit posted 10/16/2013 17:23 PM

still-living - well there's lots of FOO and SCA in her past (she's a victim). So this makes you a perfectionist and self loathing hits hard when you f'up like this. She isn't open about her feelings so that doesn't help either. I did ask if she had confessed all.

still-living posted 10/16/2013 19:19 PM

Based on what you are saying and the fact she is avoiding IC, based on my own experience, I suspect she has not told you everything, and it's killing her inside. I don't think she could ever reap the full benifits of living if she does not tell you the truth. I'm being straight to the point with you here because this was
exactly the case with my wife.

brokensmile322 posted 10/16/2013 19:41 PM

I agree 2married. If it was 9/2012 then you are over a year out. She really needs to go to IC. Maybe instead of telling her she needs to or asking her if she has made an appt yet, maybe ask her what is scaring her about going. Ask her if she really wants to R because if she does, she will need to dig deep. If she has a complicated past, there is much to work on. I suspect that you want her to heal herself as well as heal your M.

standinghere posted 10/16/2013 19:43 PM

All the time.

Happens over, and over, and over.

But, you may have an issue that runs deeper. Is there rugs weeping going on? No IC, no MC, not reading the books, not doing the work, on an affair that never got physical?

What about abuse history, childhood or otherwise? Sounds like there is something awry and needs to be discussed.

Or, maybe it did, and the truth hasn't come out.

Not saying "I love you." Even at my wife's worst she will say that.

Someone else said it better than I could...

I have made it clear to fww that I am looking for more than she owns her crap and no longer is seeing OM. I want to have a full and interesting partner in my M, or otherwise why be M?

I would echo that.

If my wife stops telling me that she loves me, which she did even when she was hospitalized for mental health issues after confessing the affair, that can only go on so long.

atsenaotie posted 10/17/2013 08:40 AM


I have said that if the R is not really happening, then she should let me know so I can look at my options.

It sounds, from what you post, that R is not really happening. There is more to R than NC. The WS has to begin a journey to discover what within themselves led to an A being the response to whatever stress, situation, loss of boundaries, and then work to replace those tendencies with new, healthier, responses.

well there's lots of FOO and SCA in her past (she's a victim).

All the more reason the WS must work with IC or some resources to help to identify the coping skills from childhood that are serving them poorly now in adulthood, and replace those with healthier skills. This replacement is not a simple thing. It takes identifying and owning the issues, and then learning and practicing new responses. My FWW too had a basket of FOO issues, ACoA, CSAb, traits of personality disorders, fear of emotional intimacy. She had to at least start to get a handle on these things before she could be a fully participant in our M relationship and start working on our M issues.

If she is not looking to deal with her issues, then you may want to start looking at your options. FWW sis not start her IC and journey in earnest until about a year after day when Id had enough and moved out. We had been in R, and seeing MC during the year after dday, but she was not dealing with her crap during that time.

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