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Ashland13 posted 10/16/2013 08:49 AM

A question has been on my mind for a long time and I'm finally going to just ask it.

My hope is that one of you moderators will move it for me?

I wanted to ask BS and WS a trigger question . I'm trying to figure out how to have communication we have to have be smoother and go past more quickly.

But the X is pushing his affair at myself and our daughter and insists on talking about things that are triggers for me. He gets very angry if I can't listen to something about his "new life" that he is dragging out into the public eye. Why does he not understand the pain it is to me? Searing, scorching, endless pain?

Why does he feel that I need to know these things?

Why can't he understand?

His new theme is that, "If I knew about his new life, it and OW wouldn't be strange."

No. Absolutely not.

And he and OW are the only one that think this.

I didn't know if anyone has experienced this and would be grateful for any ideas. It's terrible to keep hearing.

HeartInADustpan posted 10/16/2013 08:55 AM

So sorry he's doing this, Ashland. To me, it sounds like he's trying to justify and validate that his actions are OK in your/DD life. He won't be the "bad guy" anymore if you can accept his piece of ass whore...thank goodness I'm in General.

Sending strength and hugs.

wifehad5 posted 10/16/2013 08:58 AM

Ashland,

General is fine for this type of question

Ashland13 posted 10/16/2013 08:58 AM

Thank you. I can fathom that idea, it sounds like his odd way of "thinking".

I will never accept her and have said this. Poor DD is massively confused and when I catch him out of bounds, he blames DD and gets seriously nasty.

The things he accuses me of don't even make sense, either.

An example is that he accused me of eavesdropping but his voice is a trigger, so why would I want to hear it on purpose?

HeartInADustpan posted 10/16/2013 09:03 AM

The things he accuses me of don't even make sense, either.

Yeah, he's totally trying to justify. The more he can make himself believe (and I'm sure he really, really believes all the things he accuses you of), the more OK it was for him to cheat.

KB did it to me during his As. You would have thought I was keeping DS locked in a closet and belonged in the mental ward in a straight jacket by the stuff he told his APs. Sad is he BELIEVED it. He convinced himself and so it was OK to go outside the M.

IWantDoOver posted 10/16/2013 10:04 AM

But the X is pushing his affair at myself and our daughter and insists on talking about things that are triggers for me. He gets very angry if I can't listen to something about his "new life"

Have you read "Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend? It will help you establish *YOUR* boundaries and come up with a short but powerful response that you repeat -- over and over -- each time he encroaches on your boundaries (until he gets the message).

"I would prefer that you not overshare details of your life; let's return to the subject to details of DD or finance."

IC will help you move on at your own speed and talk through your triggers. An IC will also help you set healthy personal boundaries.

((hugs))

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