Thanks everyone for the advice. I’ve been thinking and thinking. Crying some, and more thinking.
So here is an update: I told my husband I’m just not satisfied with where it is at now. If it stays like this, I will never get over it. He way too quickly asked me if I want him to move out. He said he is not sure that my knowing everything would help. He thinks I’d still be holding it against him and still upset and is not sure it would ever have done any good.
I was incredulous and asked if that was his reason for not even trying, because that is a super crappy reason. And I pointed out that what he’d been trying for 9 years for sure hadn’t been successful. He had to agree on that. Well, what we came to was that he would finally write me a timeline. So for once I’d have something in his own words, not just the most brief answers to my questions.
And the next day I sent him this email (below). My girlfriend saw it and was shocked. I didn’t think it was that bad. I was being completely clear and honest. He replied by thanking me for sending it, saying it was accurate and saying that “It's hard for me to see that that's what you think of me/our relationship.” Here is is
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I kept getting confused about what happened what year exactly so I made myself a short timeline. It's interesting, I noticed 5 1/2 years between the big fall outs. Anyway, I though it might be helpful to you and to better see where I'm coming from. (DD - DDay- is the term for the day someone finds out they are being cheated on and EA/PA means emotional and physical affair)
Fall 1998 flirted and eventually slept w/ex b/f we got married (lied about it for the first 9 months of marriage). I find out Spring 1999 DD1
5 1/2 years pass without discussing it, him not thinking it was so bad, lots of marital problems
Fall 2004 DD2 4 month EA/PA w/married woman my age with kids too
5 1/2 years pass with him not willing to tell me anything but what he absolutely can't deny, me alone with all my suspicions, leaving me with chronic stress
Spring 2010 finally gives info only under threat of divorce and me hitting rock bottom and not wearing my ring for the first time in my marriage
3 1/2 years pass with me feeling he hasn't told me everything and that I hate that he only disclosed under threat of divorce
Fall 2013 I realize that after all this I don't love him as much, find him less attractive, it's all worn me out and I'm am so sad, I feel like I wasted what I wanted to be my one marriage. Wasted my youth.
So, June 1998 - Spring 2010 I had such a bad feeling him and didn't trust him. 12 years of my 15 year marriage. The past 3 years haven't been good enough for me to feel better enough.