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TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/16/2013 10:53 AM

Hi all..me again.
Just a quick note.
I think the "honeymoon" is over.
Things have been weird, and today I pushed it a little.
I told him I knew he wasn't telling me everything about how he feels, because he is afraid to upset me and is feeling so bad that he hurt me.
I told him we are not done talking about our issues. I also said that his convenient "reason" does not sit well with me...because it technically places a lot of the blame on me.
Crap.
Im at work, the phone cal lwas supposed to be just a "hi honey I love you" and it turned into that.
He did not disagree. Yup. He was mad at a few things that have been said over the past two months, but was afraid to say anything because he didn't feel he had a leg to stand on.
He says that he knows I would just respond with,
"Yah but you cheated".
Well. Hm.
Now what.
Phone call ended stiff and formal and "see you at home".
No "Ill text" etc etc.
I think he is afraid to say it, but he is sick of dealing with this. Or, I am beginiing to think that he is going to really try to justify what he did.
Wow. I knew something was off.
Here we go...
everybody arms up and 'AAAAAAAAAAAAH" roller coaster.

PinkJeepLady posted 10/16/2013 11:42 AM

(((Wondertwin)))
I have "those" phone calls often, where I think it's going to be nice and short and then....... I blurt out what's bothering me. You are so right about the roller coaster, I have never liked them literally. The infidelity roller coaster is just so scary with instant drop offs, at least that is how I see it. Not a fun ride and one none of us wanted to be on.
I feel that good communication is just critical for R, not that I am an expert on R, still trying to work it out. When I say "good" that doesn't mean the communication is always about "good" things. I guess I mean "healthy and safe". You gotta be able to express yourself. I am sure he is sick of dealing with this, aren't we ALL??!! But, who bought the tickets for this crazy ride?
One quick thought for you and what I do at work is I have a little notebook that I write my issues in that I want to bring up later. Not that I would forget, but it helps to clear my mind a little during work and then I can revisit the issues at home before we discuss them. I have had to really learn to be patient and discuss them later in person when we both can concentrate on the subject. Writing them down first has helped me articulate them later as well.
I have also worked on my self control as I have had to listen to ridiculous reasons in the beginning. It's so hard isn't it? I so hope you will be able to take time today to listen and respect each other.
Hey, why not text him? There is no law against that?! Take care and I hope you have a pleasant day at work, maybe a nice lunch? You deserve it!

Jrazz posted 10/16/2013 11:47 AM

That happened a TON with FWH and I in the beginning.

Geez, I remember a time when he'd do something NICE for me and I would blow up at him.

The thing is, it's ok for him not to like something you've said, but his capacity for compassion and empathy will drive a lot of the rollercoaster right now.

Cut yourself slack for "pushing it." The fact that you have an awareness that it's happening means that you can take baby steps towards controlling it.

(((Wt)))

catlover50 posted 10/16/2013 12:01 PM

So sorry wondertwin.

My H has said that I always hold the trump card and that makes him feel that he has no voice. Both our MC and I have said that he should express his feelings. But we did agree that in the first year it made sense for him to worry more about my feelings and helping me heal, while also addressing his issues in IC.

What this really means is that he tries to be as nice and supportive as possible and help me with triggers. Only what he should be doing. I try not to bring the A up where it doesn't belong, which is a lot easier at 13 months out.

Now in year two he's trying to get his voice back. Unfortunately that did tend to look like old behavior and led to a "frank" discussion and my return to IC. She really helped me with reaching him in an unthreatening way and we got past it. (Bottom line he thought that it wasn't fair that I always thought I was right about relationship concerns, even when I was. I tried to point out that it shouldn't matter who was right, since we are on the same team. She told me to say that I learned intimacy as a child and he hadn't, I happened to have those skills that we could both call on, just like he was better at directions. Neither of us "earned" those skills but we could both take advantage of them--he found that easier to swallow).

Don't back down--this is the hard work that needs to be done.

Thinking of you.

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/16/2013 13:31 PM

Thank you so much for your hugs and advice.
He called hike I was on my way to pick up our sick daughter at school (really, now?!?)
We had a good talk but- as you said, it needs to be at the right time and place when we are both open to talk.
We are going to talk tonight - I know this is what we need to do.
And I COMPLETELY relate to talking about past relationship issues and "being right". He often says that when we argue- he clams up because I point out why he's wrong.
But if he's wrong, or I disagree, don't I have to say something?
I am trying to own up to my piece of our past issues- but he did make mistakes before too. I'm trying to explain that this didn't JUST HAPPEN. I may bring up IC for both of us again. Don't know how it'll go, but I think it might be time. My fear is that he has only ever opened up to me- I don't know how he's be with a total stranger.
Aaaaargh... This is no fun.
But I'm glad I have you guys. :)