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Newest Member: RisingAbovePain (61843)

User Topic: Would like input from BH & BW
♀ 32528
Member # 32528
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm about a little over 2yrs since last DDay. For the most part things are going very well. Yeah I still trigger and that is honestly my biggest hangup. H has been VERY supportive and I guess two days ago he's starting to feel I should be passed certain things. I would like to hear from BH to see if its any different for a BH or BW and should I be passed certain things.
He's been fully transparent, in fact I feel he has fallen in love with me all over during R. He wears his heart on his sleeve type of guy. He does all those great things, texting through out the day, calls, calls me on his way home until he gets here. We go out together everywhere. He dropped all those "friends" that supported the A.

I get some stupid triggers and I'm F-ing tired obviously of triggers. For may sound stupid.
During the A MOW gave him a colorful wrist rubberband and that he kept on for months. When he removed it, the rubberband was heart shaped. It bothered the hell out of me. He burned it and like2 weeks later he had another one on. This was during the A.
So this week he got one of those small rubber bands from work and slipped it on his middle finger/left hand. So during dinner I saw it and lightly snapped it on his finger and asked what that was. He just said saw it and just rolled it on his finger. He then gave me this look like he knew why it bugged me. Then he asked me "why did u ask me that?"
My response "just wondering if you put it to remind you of something you had to do like pay a bill or call"
I left it alone. But it was on for like a week and I brought it up again and he said why was it bugging me so much. Well he no longer has it on and I asked "what happened to your finger rubberband?" He said he just threw it out before he showered the day before.
This is stupid I guess. But fuck!!! If I was the one who had an A and MOM had given me a heart shaped rubberband. I would NEVER wear or do something that would remind my BS of that damn thing. Also another thing. He has a coworker (Italian older man) so I always play candy crush on my H iPad while I workout on my elliptical machine. I noticed an app ITALIAN it teaches you Italian words. Why is this weird to me? Because my H is not the type to be interested in learning languages...

I asked him "since when do you want to learn Italian? Right away he could tell by my face that I looked a little upset. He tells me the coworker , as well as the cafe at his job are Italian people and often are talking Italian. Very nice family that I know and they have taught us a few Italian words for fun.

I don't have a gut feeling, just feel like my head is so f-ked up. I feel that we have done so much work on R. I feel like if I EVER find myself in that situation again, you all will be seeing my story on snapped!
One thing about me is I have always been a very resentful person since I was little. If you did something to me, I would NEVER forget or forgive.
This is something I struggle with.
I love him very much. My pride,resentment or whatever it is...
I feel like my heart and resentful brain are in constant battle.

[This message edited by Offhispedestal at 12:21 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

Married 25

2Beautiful daughters
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)

In R

Posts: 745 | Registered: Jun 2011
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I am not sure the question.

I think you should have been direct on the fingerband thingy. You didn't tell him you triggered and why. He may have assumed, but it seems kind of like a standoff between you about it. Neither was going to say anything, and it becomes a "thing" instead of a "non-thing." You didn't like it, I think you should have clearly explained why. Communication is king.

As for the Italian ap, I think that is rather thoughtful of him to want to learn some more words. I don't see anything hinkey there at all. Unless I am totally missing the point? (It happens to me often, lol)

Should you be over triggers in general? Uh. No.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 8014 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 8271
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't realize your husband was in middle school.

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson

Posts: 6064 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Southeast
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like my heart and resentful brain are in constant battle.

oh honey! Hugs!!! So very normal... I'm there with you...

You know, I really do trust my husband now. If I divorce, it might be the constant reminders of what he did (triggers) that put me over the edge.

Some people say to talk about their triggers, I do, some of the time. Otherwise, we'd have a day long conversation every day. Ppl can't live this way.

I'm happy that you feel his love for you now... I so understand what you are going through....

Posts: 7613 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
♀ 40298
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would be feeling the exact same way you are. I know that I'm not as far out as you are from D-Day (this time) but I would question anything out of the ordinary. It's our new normal.

I don't think it's fair for him to "feel you should be past certain things." If you trigger, you trigger. That's one of HIS consequences of what he's done. It wasn't out of line, either. If he wore that during the A, he sure as Hell should never wear one again!

I would be suspicious of the Italian app, too...only because it would be out of character for my WH, and it sounds like it is for yours, too. If you don't have a gut feeling, that's great. You should never stop asking questions, though. Nothing wrong with asking questions.

Sending good thoughts your way. I'm sorry you're having an "off" couple of days. It's our new normal, and it's okay!

Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ 32528
Member # 32528
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rebreather, you are right. I just did not want to do this at the dinner table. That's the main reason I didn't say it outright. I admit that I myself am tired of triggering and tired of bringing "it" up. I didn't cause the triggers.
I told him today that I love him very much but my head is soo f-ed up and is in battle with my heart 24/7.
I feel like my heart is 75% in and my head tells me " save this 25% for yourself, don't be stupid ever again.
I know he has worked hard on his issues. When I hear/see him now get disgusted over some people's poor boundary issues, I immediately remember just how he didn't give a shit if people saw him, if he hurt his kids in the process. Then I'm banging the thoughts back and forth like I have a little devil and an angel proving their case.
So last night I was silent and just rolled over and went to sleep. Not like me at all. We usually cuddle and are wrapped like a pretzel to sleep.

Married 25

2Beautiful daughters
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)

In R

Posts: 745 | Registered: Jun 2011
♀ 40769
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't have a lot of advice- not one of those days today. But- I can relate a little.
Mine came home during the A and gave us all little rubber bracelets benefitting a nearby town that suffered a major tragedy recently. We wore them- me and the kids. After D DAY I noticed that he went through and collected all the bracelets and said "these are dumb" throwing them out. Well, I knew that this town was her hometown. He got the bracelets from her. And put them on our children.
.His guilt made him go through and dump them later.
But when I asked , during some of our better talks, he brushed it off, saying "no, they were just from a customer." I know he lied. A small one, and I get it. But still. Ouch.

Just call me Wonder

If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

The axe "forgets"- the tree remembers.

Divorced and super good with tha
2 DS- 15 and 16
DDay 1- 07-24-2013
DDay 2- June something or other 2017

Posts: 1251 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
♀ 39670
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get it. WH started flossing regularly a few months after d-day. THAT was a freaking trigger. Like wtf, NOW he's starting this new habit? Why, for HER?? Ugh. It sounds so silly now, just wanted to chime in and tell you I get for the rubber band, I would have had a complete breakdown at first notice of it, you held it together way better than I would have.

Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 32528
Member # 32528
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also forgot to mention that he was diagnosed early this year with type 1 Diabetes. He started working out with me and eating right and soon he was off the pills. Well his levels were great for 6 months or so without pills.
Fast forward to to 3 weeks ago. He started having symptoms and I had him check his glucose and it was over 600. Those who don't know about normal levels, it should be around 80-120.
So now he's back on pills for diabetes, so he has some crappy symptoms due to the pills. Drama/ stress definitely raises his glucose levels. He's had to leave work early a few times recently because he goes pale. He does check his glucose when he feels like this and it's not super high or low(!usually 200's)

So this is another reason why I'm careful what I choose to talk about.
He's going back to doctor to see if they can give him a slow release medication. Because this gets him super tired within an hour. He can easily sleep 3-6 hours just in a nap

Married 25

2Beautiful daughters
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)

In R

Posts: 745 | Registered: Jun 2011
Topic Posts: 9

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