Sometimes I feel like I post waaay too much- but here goes.
So after our awkward conversation he called me back.
Here's the gist-
He is afraid to tell me what he really feels about our past issues because I always have the trump card - you cheated.
I explained that we need to address or past issues because this didn't just " happen"
He says that when we do I will just say he's wrong or his feelings were wrong.
I tried to explain that we can't not say things because we are afraid to upset the other one. We are going to disagree, we are going to argue. It's necessary. He asked why we would argue. What? Seriously?
So here's the point. I lied in the beginning of our relationship about my past. We have discussed to and I know he is trying to process some if it. But he has held onto this for so long. In his head, it was our major issue. I don't buy that. His obsession with the information I kept from him was our major issue. I don't know anymore. Yes- I carry guilt for lying to him- about things that really turn out to be nothing and he says he's okay with it now. But he has NEVER trusted me. I realize now that he has ALWAYS treated me like a wayward. With no reason.
Discovering this gave me a whole new perspective on our relationship. I have never cheated. Never even considered it. And he did.
So how do I acknowledge the pain he was in, but still hold onto my justifiable anger over the A?
He says he is not trying to rug sweep or gaslight, but then in his next sentence- it seems like he does. We are both so afraid of saying anything for fear of it being misconstrued as manipulation.
Does anyone else have a piece of the issue that they hold guilt over? How did you incorporate this and acknowledge it and deal with it, without losing sight of the fact that they cheated? I don't want to beat him over the head with it. But when is au I need him to be honest- I guess I am really liking for him to axknowledge how he contributed to our long term issues and how he is changing his perspective. He is sorry for the A- feels disgusted with himself. But I can't help feeling like on some level he does feel justified in it.