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Newest Member: Mitzia (61559)

User Topic: I know I need to contact an attorney ~ need some support
♀ 37773
Member # 37773
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been 2 weeks since DDay & I had been doing really pretty good. Detaching myself from him, focusing on me, spending time away with friends, making goals for my future, etc. but last night was not good. First, a step back to Sunday night. I had come home earlier that day from visiting out of town friends. WH & I took care of our 16 month old girl during dinner, bath & night-night time. Afterwards we got into a non-confrontational discussion regarding his recent affair. I asked for a few details regarding the progression, his "why" reasoning, etc. He spoke with great remorse....saying he can't even believe the words he's saying as he's giving me details.....that he's a "fucking idiot".....on & on. It ended up being late so he stayed in the basement. The next day he sent me a text asking if it was ok for him to stay in the basement. I told him that he could come by and see our daughter but that he needed to find somewhere else to stay. He did exactly that....came by and after we put her to bed he said he booked a room at a hotel for the next 2 nights. Said he looked into a few longer term stay places but needed to look for more options. That was the extent of our conversation.

He left & I don't hear anything from him the next day (yesterday). It was around 6:30pm and I called him (I know I shouldn't have). I just thought he was going to come by and see our daughter and if he wasn't I was going to go ahead and lock the garage door (so it can't be opened except for the button in the house). He didn't answer nor did he call or text back. So I get anxious and did the stupid thing of calling him again. But then I thought maybe he was in counseling (stupid me to think he was doing something positive). I was going to let it go but then I saw he retweeted something about being out with some guys so then the fire in me started to burn & I got pissed. I texted him telling him that our little girl was sick and that he needed to call me. I lied about that. I don't like lying and I feel guilty about that. Well, that did get him to call me & he admitted that he was at a restaurant having dinner. The conversation did not go well. It was me yelling a lot....I know that doesn't do me any good and I'm sure he thought I sounded crazy but I was so fucking furious I couldn't hold back (and I'm normally a VERY level-headed, calm person). He said he didn't hear me call at first but then when he did see that I called a couple times that he figured it was me calling to "chew his ass" about why he wasn't coming by to see our little one. Said he had a long day at work & that he didn't want to "get into it." OH!!! How convenient to just be able to avoid things!!! I have a lot of choice words for him along the lines's on his terms, how nice it is for him to just "get away" from it all when I am the one that has had to deal with his multiple infidelities & he's the one that but us in this position, etc. He responded with a few I'm sorry, I just didn't want to get into a fight, you're the one who kicked me out of the house....what am I supposed to's the kicker.... you let me down too. WTF

This morning he calls and leaves a voicemail around 10:00am just saying sorry he didn't call earlier but he's been on the phone ever since he got into work. Then I receive a text from him about 20 minutes ago asking how our daughter is (I work from home). I haven't responded to him at all. I don't really know where to go from here regarding having a conversation with him.

I KNOW, I KNOW I need to meet with an attorney. I already have a few names from a trusted friend. I know I shouldn't let him stay in the basement even though he says, "how am I going to show you I'm changing if I am not here?" Or that it'll cost us a good amount of $$ to get his own place for awhile. I've been doing so good but I had a tough night last night. Thanks for all of your support, as you probably know for yourself, it helps tremendously.

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Posts: 14 | Registered: Dec 2012
♀ 40144
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending hugs. Wow, this is still really raw for you. Figure out what works for you. My WH decided to move out and had rented a place before he told me anything. He didn't confess, he answered when I asked him if there was someone else.

I don't know if it's any easier if you can have an "in house" separation. Certainly it's better financially. I also think you would have more opportunities to talk. Ours are limited and it's not helping. Add that we have teenagers who NEVER go to sleep early, so there's very little private time for deep discussions. It hasn't helped our R. Your DD is young, so being around each other would probably give you many more opportunities for discussing. But if you need a little time apart, I totally can understand that and think it can be healthy. But, long-term separation is not helping us R at all. I'm sure it works for some. Every case is different.

For me, living separately fuels my anxiety about whether there is NC. WH runs 2 businesses and is often out entertaining (which was his cover for the A too). It is VERY hard for me when he is "out" and texts or calls me on his way back to his apartment. Does not help in the trust department AT ALL. If you can handle it, and want to try to R, I would recommend staying in the same house, even if separately, when you are ready. JMHO.

Glad you are considering finding a L. It's taken me TOO LONG to get to that point.

This is a long hard confusing road we have to navigate, with precious little experience or skills. Thank God we have SI to help advise us. I'm sure wiser folks will be along soon....

Wishing you all the best.

Me: BS49+ 😝, Him: WH 51
M 24 years - DD21 DS19 DS16
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, S for 1 year, now Reconciling

Posts: 1482 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all I tell every BS that they need to see an attorney even if they have 100% intention of R. It just gives you answers, and keeps fear from paralyzing you into making bad decisions.

As far as him not being accountable when it comes to parenting, you need to work out a schedule. You get down time too mom. IF he wants to stay in the basement, and you are agreeable to it, then you need to have a schedule of time where you get time alone. It is important to your sanity, your healing, and letting him know that you are capable of being strong and making your own decisions, and doing things without him.

Focus on you, your daughter, and your future. Demand the respect you deserve, it certainly sounds like he is still in fairytale land, and doesn't want things to change, so perhaps booting him out of the house would do some good. I certainly wouldn't be doing any laundry, cooking, or cleaning for him.

Put you first.
(((and strength))))

Him: FWS
Kids: 18 & 20
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

Posts: 13298 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♀ 22386
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I remember correctly, your WH is an alcoholic as well as having had several affairs? I apologize if I am wrong.

Personally, after having lived with an alcoholic father, I would NOT allow him back in the house. He needs tough love and not a crutch.

You cannot fix him. He has many issues.

Please contact an attorney for your own sanity. You will probably feel a bit empowered after meeting with a lawyer.


Posts: 9800 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
♀ 40605
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whattodo, speaking from my own experience, I felt better after I contacted an attorney. At that point I did not want a divorce, and was hesitant to talk to a lawyer because it felt like acknowledging the possibility of divorce. I felt trapped and scared, with little children at home- how would I make it if we did not stay together? I felt so much better after I talked to the lawyer, I realized that I did have other options and that it might actually be possible to pay the bills and be ok. It gave me some peace and I felt like I had some control back in an otherwise very out of control situation.

Me: BS, 46
Him: WH, 47
Together 24 years
4 amazing kids
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Choosing myself daily and R almost every day

Posts: 698 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
♂ 40940
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm seeing an attorney on Friday. I'm incredibly scared about it, but I think I need to do it. I need to understand what I can and can't do. Also like everyone else has said get some control back in my life.

Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
♀ 39667
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whattodo2012 - It sounds like you are doing a great job separating yourself from him.

Definitely go see an attorney. Knowledge is power! Warning: your attorney is not your shrink or your girlfriend. Don't waste $ complaining to your attorney about how your spouse has wronged you or what an idiot they have been. Think of it this way: you send the golden retriever out to fetch the want the pitbull to do the guard dog duty. You sound smart - so I am sure you know this already.

How I picked mine: I decided to look up the cases online (public info at the county website!!!) of people who I know are divorced and had similar situations and got great settlements/results. The plaintiff and respondent's attorneys are listed on the filings. All of the info is there.

Anyway, sorry you are in this mess. It sounds like he is still in the fog a bit. It will get easier, one way or another. It's normal to have some good days and bad days. I wish I had asked my H to move out shortly after DD.

BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 932 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 38121
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that just because he failed miserably as a husband, that does NOT give him license to fail miserably as a father as well.

He either stays in the basement and starts PULLING HIS WEIGHT in the daddy department, or he can get the hell out and your lawyer will be the next one he hears from.

I'm sorry - but anything less than that just gives him a license to be able to play 'single guy' while YOU'RE the one with 100% responsibility for everything.

He needs to pull his 50% share or he can go live down in the homeless shelter.

Get tough or he'll steamroll you.

Good luck.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 6327 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Talk to several attorneys. Knowledge is power. Divorces take a long time, there are many opportunities along the way to just stop the process should the heavens part & a booming voice tell you to reconcile.

Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!

Posts: 10722 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
♀ 33806
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

****He either stays in the basement and starts PULLING HIS WEIGHT in the daddy department, or he can get the hell out and your lawyer will be the next one he hears from.****

And itemize exactly what you need in the way of division of labor and child care..

Filing for D will get a separation agreement legally in place and provide for support payments for your children and visitation, etc......I have a feeling the only way you might get the support you need from him is by forcing him..

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

60 years young..

Posts: 3929 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 10

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