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Giver or Taker???

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IGaveItMyAll posted 10/16/2013 16:23 PM

Which one are you? I definitely am a Giver/Fixer... Working on it but realized this the other day. I wonder how many BS are givers and WS are takers.

OnAnIsland posted 10/16/2013 16:24 PM


struggling16 posted 10/16/2013 16:24 PM

I was definitely the "giver" in the M. Since Dday, not so much.

He has always been a "taker" and always will be. I just don't enable it anymore.

RidingHealingRd posted 10/16/2013 16:35 PM

Me: Giver

WH: I never looked at him as a taker but without question he was not a giver, he was to selfish and cheap.

neverdidithink posted 10/16/2013 17:17 PM

We are both givers.

Lovedyoumore posted 10/16/2013 17:22 PM

There are some short Briggs-Myers tests free on line. Interesting to find your personality type, especially layered with your spouse.

I am definitely a giver. But, I gave and gave until now I feel used up.

IGaveItMyAll posted 10/16/2013 18:11 PM

I am definitely a giver. But, I gave and gave until now I feel used up

I feel you on this. But my question is... do you start giving only what you get in return? With infidelity what my WW gives I often discredit it depending on my emotional state and I end up feeling like she can't ever give me enough to feel whole again. So do you stop giving or is that counter intuitive?

sisoon posted 10/16/2013 18:24 PM

I've always seen myself as a taker.

Lonelygirl10 posted 10/16/2013 18:39 PM

I would say that we're both givers, but the words "giver" and "infidelity" don't really go well together. We both put affection into the relationship, but I think I'm more giving when it comes to resolving problems. And he was definitely a taker when he was having sex with me and another woman in the same time frame.

iwillNOT posted 10/16/2013 19:19 PM

I am a giver who is all " given out.".

RedRose posted 10/16/2013 19:32 PM

I'm a giver, WS is a taker, though he is trying harder now post-A to give more.

catlover50 posted 10/16/2013 19:36 PM

Giver. H was very much a taker and is now becoming quite good at giving!

Lovedyoumore posted 10/16/2013 20:58 PM


I do not keep score on my giving, but I am exhausted from the being the giver in this marriage for the last 3 years. My H has taken enough from me in those 3 years that I am emotionally bankrupt. I am trying to learn to give to myself for a while.

LoveActually posted 10/16/2013 21:43 PM

We were both very much takers before the affair--now I would consider us both very much givers. That's one of the positive things that I have been able to find that did come out of all the affair crap.

blakesteele posted 10/16/2013 21:48 PM

We are both givers...but we both kept parts of each other hidden too. Our FOO issues play into this as well....she avoiding conflict and "giving in" to my desires and abandonment issues "giving too eagerly" to try and avoid any chance she would have to refrain from asking for something for fear she would never ask (ie. I am unnecssary and have no value). Better stated...I gave quickly so she never had to be a "taker".

I have a strong "fixer" drive in me....

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:50 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

Lostinthismess posted 10/17/2013 00:20 AM

Giver, and I find it hard to receive. It's hard for me to receive any attention without feeling uncomfortable. Which makes his post A attention nauseating at times.

ItsaClimb posted 10/17/2013 00:31 AM

I'm definitely a giver by nature. I have co-dependency issues.

With infidelity what my WW gives I often discredit it depending on my emotional state and I end up feeling like she can't ever give me enough to feel whole again.

We had a discussion about ^^this with our MC a couple of weeks ago. What she said was very interesting, I don't know how "do-able" but interesting none-the-less. She said that I have an "internalised image" of my husband, the "insert his name here" he is, based on all my experiences of him and nowdays based especially on his infidelity. Every thing he says or does, I view in light of that internalised image I have of him. She said that it would help R a LOT if I would scrap that internalised image and start an entirely new image, based on who he is NOW.

I totally get what she is saying, as I have a tendency to have dialogue in my head that goes something like this: "Oh nice, the lying cheating shit brought me flowers".... Obviously not at all helpful to R!!

TheTooGoodWife posted 10/17/2013 05:34 AM

I definitely am a Giver/Fixer...

^^^Ditto. WH is a Royal Taker. Since d-day it has flipped. In the beginning it was hard for me to take and for him to give but it is getting easier. We are now working on finding the balance between taking and giving.

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