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Reconciliation :
Giver or Taker???

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 IGaveItMyAll (original poster member #38622) posted at 10:23 PM on Wednesday, October 16th, 2013

Which one are you? I definitely am a Giver/Fixer... Working on it but realized this the other day. I wonder how many BS are givers and WS are takers.

ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

posts: 332   ·   registered: Mar. 4th, 2013
id 6526111
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OnAnIsland ( member #34319) posted at 10:24 PM on Wednesday, October 16th, 2013

Giver

D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful sons

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou

posts: 1486   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2011
id 6526114
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struggling16 ( member #33202) posted at 10:24 PM on Wednesday, October 16th, 2013

I was definitely the "giver" in the M. Since Dday, not so much.

He has always been a "taker" and always will be. I just don't enable it anymore.

posts: 792   ·   registered: Aug. 26th, 2011
id 6526115
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RidingHealingRd ( member #33867) posted at 10:35 PM on Wednesday, October 16th, 2013

Me: Giver

WH: I never looked at him as a taker but without question he was not a giver, he was to selfish and cheap.

ME: 60 BS
HIM: 67 WH
Married: 35 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 10 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

posts: 2519   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2011
id 6526133
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neverdidithink ( member #40568) posted at 11:17 PM on Wednesday, October 16th, 2013

We are both givers.

BS, 57
M 13 years
second marriage, second WH
4 kids in their 20s

posts: 440   ·   registered: Sep. 5th, 2013
id 6526191
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Lovedyoumore ( member #35593) posted at 11:22 PM on Wednesday, October 16th, 2013

There are some short Briggs-Myers tests free on line. Interesting to find your personality type, especially layered with your spouse.

I am definitely a giver. But, I gave and gave until now I feel used up.

Me 50's
WH 50's
Married 30+ years
2 young adult children
OW single 20 years younger
Together trying to R

Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose

posts: 3626   ·   registered: May. 15th, 2012   ·   location: Southern, bless your heart
id 6526196
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 IGaveItMyAll (original poster member #38622) posted at 12:11 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013

I am definitely a giver. But, I gave and gave until now I feel used up

I feel you on this. But my question is... do you start giving only what you get in return? With infidelity what my WW gives I often discredit it depending on my emotional state and I end up feeling like she can't ever give me enough to feel whole again. So do you stop giving or is that counter intuitive?

ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

posts: 332   ·   registered: Mar. 4th, 2013
id 6526252
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 12:24 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013

I've always seen myself as a taker.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 31118   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 6526270
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Lonelygirl10 ( member #39850) posted at 12:39 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013

I would say that we're both givers, but the words "giver" and "infidelity" don't really go well together. We both put affection into the relationship, but I think I'm more giving when it comes to resolving problems. And he was definitely a taker when he was having sex with me and another woman in the same time frame.

posts: 1803   ·   registered: Jul. 17th, 2013
id 6526286
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iwillNOT ( member #40605) posted at 1:19 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013

I am a giver who is all " given out.".

Me: BS, 46
Him: WH, 47
Together 24 years
4 amazing kids
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Choosing myself daily and R almost every

posts: 702   ·   registered: Sep. 9th, 2013   ·   location: Midwest
id 6526354
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RedRose ( member #39584) posted at 1:32 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013

I'm a giver, WS is a taker, though he is trying harder now post-A to give more.

BW-37
WH - 38
2.5 year LTA
2nd A 2/20/16

posts: 164   ·   registered: Jun. 18th, 2013
id 6526375
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catlover50 ( member #37154) posted at 1:36 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013

Giver. H was very much a taker and is now becoming quite good at giving!

Dday -9/23/2012
Reconciled

posts: 2376   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2012   ·   location: northeast
id 6526382
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Lovedyoumore ( member #35593) posted at 2:58 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013

Igaveitmyall....

I do not keep score on my giving, but I am exhausted from the being the giver in this marriage for the last 3 years. My H has taken enough from me in those 3 years that I am emotionally bankrupt. I am trying to learn to give to myself for a while.

Me 50's
WH 50's
Married 30+ years
2 young adult children
OW single 20 years younger
Together trying to R

Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose

posts: 3626   ·   registered: May. 15th, 2012   ·   location: Southern, bless your heart
id 6526473
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LoveActually ( member #31030) posted at 3:43 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013

We were both very much takers before the affair--now I would consider us both very much givers. That's one of the positive things that I have been able to find that did come out of all the affair crap.

BS (Me) WS (Him) D-Day 5/29/09Married 15 yrs, together 20 yrs

posts: 862   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2011
id 6526504
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blakesteele ( member #38044) posted at 3:48 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013

We are both givers...but we both kept parts of each other hidden too. Our FOO issues play into this as well....she avoiding conflict and "giving in" to my desires and moods....my abandonment issues "giving too eagerly" to try and avoid any chance she would have to refrain from asking for something for fear she would never ask (ie. I am unnecssary and have no value). Better stated...I gave quickly so she never had to be a "taker".

I have a strong "fixer" drive in me....

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:50 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

posts: 5835   ·   registered: Jan. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Central Missouri
id 6526516
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Lostinthismess ( member #39210) posted at 6:20 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013

Giver, and I find it hard to receive. It's hard for me to receive any attention without feeling uncomfortable. Which makes his post A attention nauseating at times.

'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

posts: 401   ·   registered: May. 8th, 2013
id 6526603
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ItsaClimb ( member #37107) posted at 6:31 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013

I'm definitely a giver by nature. I have co-dependency issues.

With infidelity what my WW gives I often discredit it depending on my emotional state and I end up feeling like she can't ever give me enough to feel whole again.

We had a discussion about ^^this with our MC a couple of weeks ago. What she said was very interesting, I don't know how "do-able" but interesting none-the-less. She said that I have an "internalised image" of my husband, the "insert his name here" he is, based on all my experiences of him and nowdays based especially on his infidelity. Every thing he says or does, I view in light of that internalised image I have of him. She said that it would help R a LOT if I would scrap that internalised image and start an entirely new image, based on who he is NOW.

I totally get what she is saying, as I have a tendency to have dialogue in my head that goes something like this: "Oh nice, the lying cheating shit brought me flowers".... Obviously not at all helpful to R!!

BS 52
Together 35 yrs, M 31 years
2 daughters 30yo(married with 2 children) & 25yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

posts: 1321   ·   registered: Oct. 11th, 2012
id 6526608
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TheTooGoodWife ( member #35973) posted at 11:34 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013

I definitely am a Giver/Fixer...

^^^Ditto. WH is a Royal Taker. Since d-day it has flipped. In the beginning it was hard for me to take and for him to give but it is getting easier. We are now working on finding the balance between taking and giving.

Me-BW-46
WH-43
M-13 yrs together 15 yrs, 2 DS 11 & 8
D-Day 20 May '12 WH confessed, PA 4 months 06/2008-10/2008 cOW
His A says nothing about me but everything about him

posts: 239   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2012   ·   location: UK
id 6526691
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