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What if the A didn't happen. What would your life be like right now? What would your marriage be like?

That is what I wondered today. I can't remember a time when life was ordinary, where we planned for the future together or shared. I long for those days. I long for the feeling of loving somebody. But I wondered if the A didn't happen would something else have? Would we be happy?

How about you?

I am sure every relationship is different, but I don't think the A was the first bad thing to enter, ruining all that was good and pure. Our relationship was pretty sucky before that. I think had we not had some traumatic event, we would have stuck to our crappy relationship, both unfulfilled, no one having the guts to say it.

So I am NOT glad that I did this, But I am glad to have the opportunity to build something authentic this time. Don't know if its possible, but we are going to give it our all this time.

I wonder if our relationship was EVER real.

It sure felt real.

I think day to day life, and kids happened to us. We stopped living our life around him and his athletic competition and I had to take care of 3 kids under the age of 3 1/2.

When the whole thing stopped being 'about him' he started the pitiful thing about not getting enough attention.

If I had to guess, I think that was really what caused him to withdraw from me, and his subsequent infidelity.

I will probably never know.

But I have to admit - probably with some naive perceptions, that things would have still been better - without the infidelity. I can't imagine anything that could have made things this bad.

Yes. I always wonder.

But my M was good. Great even. It was the happiest time of our lives...

We were having our first child and WH decided he would initiate an EA with a "friend".

She wanted more. She was in a poor marriage and wanted my husband.

She is older... A mom and a grandma and just wanted to offer "support".

What a train wreck. When my WH was texting her from the delivery room with his first born child - did she really think she was special?!?!

I hate to say it, but our M was pretty sucky. We were more like roommates than anything. When our daughter was born we stopped having sex, and I didn't even sleep in our room. (That was so that he could get sleep, since I'm a SAHM). I had just come back to our bed two weeks before DDay.

Since the A we have gone on a couple of dates, we communicate, HB has been great, we have coffee together every morning and he texts me throughout the day that he loves me and misses me.

Wish he would have turned INTO the M rather than out, but we are working through it. Some days are better than others, but it's only been 5-1/2 months.

On the outside everything would look the same. We share house together. take meals together. sleep together. go on dates together. take vacations together. visit our kids and grand kids together.

To the outside world we look like a great couple.

Inside though there is a profound disconnect. A lack of trust. The heart is poisoned and shriveled but the body continues on.

Perhaps this poisoning is only on my side. I have no idea what WW thinks or feels. Perhaps she feels good whole and healthy, but it was she that poisoned me.

I didn't realize it at the time, but my marriage was awful. He was mean and controlling for years.

He also had a pain killer problem, and snored so badly that I couldn't sleep.

Every conversation had to be about him, and he ALLOWED me to get take out one night per week.

All this while I was the only wage earner in the house.

Oh yeah, and he drove a $50,000+ vehicle while I drove a car that didn't even have cruise control- while I drove 50 miles each way to work.

FTG

Our marriage was pretty crappy. We didn't do anything together anymore. We were more like room mates.

I think if the A didn't happen we would be still in a crappy marriage. This is what makes it so hard to fix our marriage...

I don't like to play the "what if" game. It's too sad. What if my husband hadnt been so selfish? What if he hadnt had an EA? If he had had any integrity, I wouldn't sit up at night, mind going in circles, still trying to figure out if I can still do this. Yeah, what if...?

Even though our R is going pretty good, if he never cheated, I would probably be happier.

I thought our pre-A marriage was pretty darn good - little did I know I was living with a broken man.

I hate to say it, but I think we may have ended up divorced by now. Beyond dealing with this A, we are a blended family and I happen to be the stepmom of two kids who were very angry, very manipulative and who did NOT want Daddy to have a new wife, let alone stepkids himself. Add to that the fact that WH suffered from depression and anxiety, is passive aggressive and gave in to just about every whim of his children and ever demand of his crazy ex wife and . . . well . . . we had one big mess anyway. The A forced us into MC which forced DH to solve more problems than just where the A came from and why it happened. It forced him to face bad habits, it forced him to communicate, it forced him to realize that decisions he was making beyond the decision to participate in an A were slowly causing our marriage to crumble. I hate to say that ANYTHING good can come from an A, but for me and WH, it forced a lot of positive changes to come about in our marriage.

if the A didnt happen:

our new house would feel more like a home, our boxes would all be unpacked and organized (been packed up for over two and a half years, although DD and I been living in the house a year and a half, hard going through boxes of our life)

we would have experienced the joy together becoming grandparents

there would still be a relationship between WH and our children

there would be more money in our bank account, instead of the money he has wasted on OW

the list could go on and on!!!!

A

What a great question! My knee-jerk reaction was "everything would have been perfect" but then I had to think about it. And when I did, it was like the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. Nothing is perfect until you realize life gives you the lessons you need and are ready to learn.

We've been married almost 40 years, and a lot of shit can happen in that time. Did.

Kids born with birth defects, a brother died of AIDS, W's dad died, I had several sports-related surgeries and tough rehabs, my company went bankrupt, the stock market crashed, the waiter served white wine that was too warm. Life is full of hurts.

And, my W had an A, which was the worst of all. A couple of years later, I had an RA, which hurt me almost as much in its own way.

What if she hadn't met that SOB? Given her FOO issues, good chance it would just have been somebody else down the line. At least this loser was relatively easy for her to see through. What if she had screwed somebody she actually liked? Could have been worse. Maybe a lot worse.

I think I'll take the life I was served, thank you very much.

Its 5 years from d-day and 4 years D and I've actually never thought about it before.

It was a dealbreaker and R was never on the table for me. He left 30 minutes after confrontation and I've never looked back...or forward!

I thought we had a good (borderline great) marriage for 18 years. D-day opened my eyes and made me realize how blinded I was by my commitment to our marriage that I failed to recognize what a shitty husband he was. I unwittingly chose to be happy all those years despite how miserable he was making me.

Despite the utter devastation of the blindside, I instantly felt relief when he left. So no, never think about the what if? But I often think about what a great favor he did because if not for his A I would have never broken my marriage commitment.

Awww my dream! I had a fantastic marriage! then wham! now it sucks compared to what we had

[This message edited by heartache101 at 11:12 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

We were dealing with so many hardships when the A started but I really think.we could have pulled through it. Those things have subsided a bit and.except for this A bullshit, things are finally looking up.again.instead of turning to each other, he turned to ow and I shut down. I think.we would have made it.