That is what I wondered today. I can't remember a time when life was ordinary, where we planned for the future together or shared. I long for those days. I long for the feeling of loving somebody. But I wondered if the A didn't happen would something else have? Would we be happy? How about you?
So I am NOT glad that I did this, But I am glad to have the opportunity to build something authentic this time. Don't know if its possible, but we are going to give it our all this time.
It sure felt real.
I think day to day life, and kids happened to us. We stopped living our life around him and his athletic competition and I had to take care of 3 kids under the age of 3 1/2.
When the whole thing stopped being 'about him' he started the pitiful thing about not getting enough attention.
If I had to guess, I think that was really what caused him to withdraw from me, and his subsequent infidelity.
I will probably never know.
But I have to admit - probably with some naive perceptions, that things would have still been better - without the infidelity. I can't imagine anything that could have made things this bad.
I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy
Since the A we have gone on a couple of dates, we communicate, HB has been great, we have coffee together every morning and he texts me throughout the day that he loves me and misses me.
Wish he would have turned INTO the M rather than out, but we are working through it. Some days are better than others, but it's only been 5-1/2 months.
To the outside world we look like a great couple.
Inside though there is a profound disconnect. A lack of trust. The heart is poisoned and shriveled but the body continues on.
Perhaps this poisoning is only on my side. I have no idea what WW thinks or feels. Perhaps she feels good whole and healthy, but it was she that poisoned me.
Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man. Friedrich Nietzsche
He also had a pain killer problem, and snored so badly that I couldn't sleep.
Every conversation had to be about him, and he ALLOWED me to get take out one night per week.
All this while I was the only wage earner in the house.
Oh yeah, and he drove a $50,000+ vehicle while I drove a car that didn't even have cruise control- while I drove 50 miles each way to work.
FTG
I thought our pre-A marriage was pretty darn good - little did I know I was living with a broken man.
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken.” -CS Lewis
our new house would feel more like a home, our boxes would all be unpacked and organized (been packed up for over two and a half years, although DD and I been living in the house a year and a half, hard going through boxes of our life)
we would have experienced the joy together becoming grandparents
there would still be a relationship between WH and our children
there would be more money in our bank account, instead of the money he has wasted on OW
the list could go on and on!!!!
What a great question! My knee-jerk reaction was "everything would have been perfect" but then I had to think about it. And when I did, it was like the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. Nothing is perfect until you realize life gives you the lessons you need and are ready to learn.
We've been married almost 40 years, and a lot of shit can happen in that time. Did.
Kids born with birth defects, a brother died of AIDS, W's dad died, I had several sports-related surgeries and tough rehabs, my company went bankrupt, the stock market crashed, the waiter served white wine that was too warm. Life is full of hurts.
And, my W had an A, which was the worst of all. A couple of years later, I had an RA, which hurt me almost as much in its own way.
What if she hadn't met that SOB? Given her FOO issues, good chance it would just have been somebody else down the line. At least this loser was relatively easy for her to see through. What if she had screwed somebody she actually liked? Could have been worse. Maybe a lot worse.
I think I'll take the life I was served, thank you very much.
It was a dealbreaker and R was never on the table for me. He left 30 minutes after confrontation and I've never looked back...or forward!
I thought we had a good (borderline great) marriage for 18 years. D-day opened my eyes and made me realize how blinded I was by my commitment to our marriage that I failed to recognize what a shitty husband he was. I unwittingly chose to be happy all those years despite how miserable he was making me.
Despite the utter devastation of the blindside, I instantly felt relief when he left. So no, never think about the what if? But I often think about what a great favor he did because if not for his A I would have never broken my marriage commitment.
[This message edited by heartache101 at 11:12 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]
