"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

cantaccept posted 10/16/2013 17:30 PM

H and I were talking this morning and he brought up fantasies of other people.

He said that prior to his a he did fantasize about other women. He has told me this before a couple of weeks ago.

He was encouraging me to open up about this regarding my fantasies.

Prior to dday, my fantasies were of h treating me like he did years before. Remembering what it was like, wishing for it to return. I meet a lot of men at work, sure I have thought some were attractive or nice but I never went beyond that in my mind. I just didn't.

Now on occasion, no one specifically, I wonder what it would be like to be married to someone that always was good to me, someone that never abandoned or betrayed me.

H finds this hard to believe.

I just wondered if I am unusual in this.

So, did you fantasize about others before dday?

cantaccept posted 10/16/2013 17:35 PM

Also, he said he thinks I am holding back about admitting this because he sees it makes me uncomfortable.

The reason I am uncomfortable is that now I know he does this, or did this and then he actually carried his fantasy into reality. I picture him fantasizing about her and well it makes me feel like

It just adds to the pile of crap. The things I now have to live with.

When he watched porn, I didn't like it but at least I could tell myself it wasn't real, now that doesn't work.

Now I find myself wondering who was he thinking about. Does it ever end?

heartache101 posted 10/16/2013 17:45 PM

I never fantasized about other men before Dday. Now I do but it is not one particular man I met. Just someone to love me that is honest loyal and loving and that has never cheated or broke my heart. I hate that I dont have what I once did. I wanna go back in time and just stop it from happening. No I dont look at other men and wonder what it would be like to have sex with them That to me is cheating.

PinkJeepLady posted 10/16/2013 17:53 PM

Interestingly, I just found an old email to WH from me during the time he was cheating and I didn't know it. I said I just wanted him to know that I never thought about being with another man, just him. In thinking why I wrote that I remembered that he would sometimes suggest I was cheating on him, there was nothing I was doing to even remotely suggest that. He was the one cheating.
I too work around nice men, some attractive, but have never thought of them in a "fantasy" way. I too just wanted the passion back to what we (me and WH) had before infidelity.
I too think about the "what ifs" of marrying someone who would have been loyal to me. I sometimes wonder about old boyfriends, would they have done this? Of course, I would have NEVER predicted WH would do this either.
I don't think you are unusual, unless I am too! I wonder what I would be doing right now if I was married to someone (anyone) who hadn't cheated. That's my fantasy, having complete trust in a marriage....sigh
I hear you about the porn, it is so destructive in so many ways.
Take care and I don't think what you are "fantasizing" about is negative!

plainpain posted 10/16/2013 18:00 PM

I only struggled with fantasizing about sex with someone once in our 18 years of marriage, and I felt horrible about it. I've only ever wanted my husband. I think the fantasy life is fed by porn - the more you feed that private fantasy life, the more quickly it comes to your mind in your every day life with every day people. I never liked porn - I just find it sad, really. I think it's hard for men to believe, but I don't think women's desires generally work in the same way.

But I would get swept up in romance books and movies - things that fed that a similarly unrealistic desire in me. When I came across a man I liked, that's where my mind went. I didn't want him for sex, but for 'non consummated love'... maybe dream he would pine away after me secretly forever. It was still simply to satisfy a selfish need within me that I wasn't looking to my husband to fulfill.

My husband wanted me to confess to a fantasy life as well - I think it was mostly about his insecurity and really wanting to know he was pleasing me, and at the same time wanting to know that I didn't think he was a pervert.

With the OW, he didn't have to care what she thought. In fact, that's what he liked about being with her. I think he wanted to feel uninhibited like that with me, but he couldn't because he just really didn't want to 'hurt' me. If he knew I had fantasies, he might be able to feel freer.

cantaccept posted 10/16/2013 18:01 PM

What h finds hard to believe is that prior to dday I did not have fantasies about other men. He seems to find it hard to believe that my fantasies were about him.

Even after he left and I wanted to be able to see the possibilities, just couldn't.

topperoff22 posted 10/16/2013 18:08 PM

I fantasized about the same things you did and if I did fantasize, which was rare, it was about a person who was a mix of Brad Pitt and the dude from Arrow and NOT someone I knew. Men drive me nuts! I fantasized about my husband treating me sweet, romantically and not talking to his freaking ex girlfriend all of the time. :(

[This message edited by topperoff22 at 6:09 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

libertyrocks posted 10/16/2013 18:11 PM

Yes, I did because we were both in a very, very troubled marriage. I, too did not act out, but he did. To be honest, I still do.

Wait, are you talking about being with other men sexually or as a companion???

cantaccept posted 10/16/2013 18:15 PM

I think h was referring to sexual fantasies, prior to his a.

I was referring to any fantasies about other men, sexual or companion, prior to a.

Then post a not fantasies but musings about what it would feel like to be married to someone that always treated me like they loved me. H was not very good to me for several years. Prior to his a I never even really noticed.

Itstoohard posted 10/16/2013 18:51 PM

Wow PinkJeepLady! I totally had forgotten his saying . I WAS cheating on him and I even remember saying if you are accusing me that probably means you are. Wish I knew how smart I was then cuz now I look back and think how stupid I was.

IGaveItMyAll posted 10/16/2013 19:07 PM

I wonder what it would be like to be married to someone that always was good to me, someone that never abandoned or betrayed me.

Thanks for writing this. I think I just had an Ahha moment. I have been fantasizing about having this for months. I have been putting pressure on my wife to have the passionate life we had when we first got together. Is that all lost?? Is that just a wild fantasy? Is it obtainable???

LA44 posted 10/16/2013 19:19 PM

In 2011 I fantasized a lot. Prior to that I fantasized about him doing incredibly caring and random acts of love - ie: "Remember when you were oohing and ahhing over that resort in the Bahamas hon? Well....pack your bags!"

Or even just bringing home flowers. But these things never happened. And apparently they never happened with the AP either- no gifts, no dates, no trips.

Anyway, I digress. Yes. I did fantasize about others when our M was at its worst. I do not fantasize about anyone else anymore (okay, except Pitt).

[This message edited by LA44 at 7:20 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

Dance4Me posted 10/16/2013 22:18 PM

Great question - and yes, the summer my H was involved with his OW/PA, I became extremely attracted to my son's much younger coach. I did actually wonder what it would be like to have sex with him. These thoughts totally excited me - yet, I didn't understand why I was feeling that way..it had been years since I felt that way about someone other than my H (before marriage!).

Looking back, I realized, with my Hs help, that my H wasn't emotionally there for me (and physically too) during that summer of hell. I just didn't see it as I was living it. This young man was attractive, kind to my son, and truly nice to me in a professional way. I really must have been lonely...thank God I never crossed that line!

[This message edited by Dance4Me at 10:21 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

summerain posted 10/16/2013 22:29 PM

Wow just had mc/ wh ic

Apparently this is normal for men to fantasise rather than women. Women may rarely but they aren't hard wired that way.

Is it healthy? I don't know. WH though is working hard at it though. Because I don't like it and find it demeaning. However I would say its very personal and my take may not be right for anyone else

ItsaClimb posted 10/17/2013 00:54 AM

I wouldn't say I often fantasized, but occasionally I did, it was always a "fantasy person", not anyone specific or real. Robert Pattinson came into it once or twice after Twilight (cougar!)

I spoke about this with WH once and he said that pre- and post- A he never really fantasised at all, he was really surprised that I had.

To be honest, I see fantasising as early wayward thinking. Yes it's harmless fun, but somewhere along the line it shows that the thinking behind it is a bit "off" - that's just my opinion though!

Since D-Day and having read all the books etc I have come to realise that I actually have way more Wayward tendencies than my husband. It is quite surprising to me that HE had the A and not me. I am trying to be brutally honest with myself about this and I'm working hard to correct those faulty thought patterns in me.

WoundedOpus posted 10/17/2013 06:12 AM

Our stories (and our H's) appear to be very similar cantaccept. I was way too codependent to ever fantasize anything past the 'what if's/if only's' about my H. And now that I've moved on to a better frame of mind there is no place for or desire for those fantasies or any other.

Thinking back to any other relationships, I don't recall ever fantasizing then either. If there ever was a particular man that I saw acting in a way/treating their SO in a way I liked, the most I would do was fantasize how things would look if my SO were like that. It never gave me warm fuzzies towards that man and make me want him. While it would point out the deficiencies in my SO/relationship, it didn't build up the other man. I'm not sure I'm explaining it clearly...I can just say that I never gave mental energy or emotional space to an outside source, my focus remained with my particular SO at the time and myself. Where my H (and I assume many W's), saw positive attributes in another, stacked that against me, found me lacking; it then built up the OW, and instead of focusing on me and us, he turned his focus to her. We don't talk about it, but I think it's pretty realistic to say he fantasized about her.

You don't get back more than you put in, any time you take your focus and energy away from where it should be, you're working towards building something where it shouldn't be. Not that I think fantasizing once in awhile about movie stars/romance novel characters and such is a big deal, fantasizing about tangible others is possibly the first step down a not too healthy path. If I found myself doing that, it would be a huge red flashing signal telling me to get away from that person and do some serious internal looking around to figure out where and what the problems are that got me there!

To sit back and engage in that sort of thinking to me, is the start of wayward thinking. We're all susceptible to it, it's what we do when/if we find ourselves there that matters. No one becomes a wayward without taking the first step.

For me, if my H was pushing me to admit I do this and to admit it was normal and everyone does this, I would take that as him needing to normalize what to me is wayward thinking, and him doing that, is in and of itself, wayward thinking, justifying the first step, because everybody's doing it.

* edited to fix grammar and spelling *

[This message edited by WoundedOpus at 6:16 AM, October 17th (Thursday)]

blakesteele posted 10/17/2013 06:44 AM

Looks like I am the first man to post...so here I go.

You know, for as long as I have been married I have made it a point to always have at least one other person join us whenever I am with a female co-worker...lunches, project work, field trips, etc.. I have done this because I do have an active fantasy mind. I did it as a safe guard.

I find many women attractive...always have. From young to mature, short to tall, thin to heavy...just really enjoy the female body in all its forms. Have enjoyed my wifes body from her youth, through 2 pregnancies, to middle age...she is simply beautiful.

I have asked my wife throughout our marriage if she too had active fantasies...she responded like the majority of the posters here....that she had a few sexual fantasies over the years, but more about the relational side....more of a feeling then the physical attraction. (which I see in her choice of AP who is 30 pounds heavier then me and a double chin)

As such she did not have the boundaries I did when it came to the opposite sex....no danger, no need to guard against it. When she met her AP no flags were raised that they were meeting up alone...they were "just friends". Kicker is I would have encouraged her to run with him (she is a runner) pre-A. I did not see the danger, she didnt either.

Our pastor said that it is when we think we are strongest that we are the weakest....we become blind to the dangers. That is very true.

I also was a porn user. My wife would watch with me occasionally too. At that time I knew a little bit about how men and women are wired differently...but arrogantly thought we werent THAT different and that she enjoyed it too. I also thought it was not harming our marriage. I was wrong onn both accounts. Again, I saw no danger in porn so had no guard up.

My wife told me the other day that she believed I could love lots of different women...meaning I find lots of women "attractive". I have thought about that...and I agree, to a point. My wife is special to me, she is not just a woman...I chose her specifically when I asked her to marry me. I have not regretted that decision. But I am pretty confident that if our M does not survive I will find another woman and love again...so I get her point.

The "fantasy difference" in me now...is I have been tempted to loosen my boundaries. Since my DD I have had fantasies that go past the physical realm. I have had those that are tied to relationships....seen attractive women who have stood by faithfully by their husbands who had years of alchoholism...that is now a part of my fantasy world. Its as if my fantasies could actually become reality if I so choose....prior to DD I would absolutely throw a flag on that thought and stop it cold....now I kind of drop it on the field slowly. KWIM?

I am past the RA phase...but it was an unnerving part of my journey.

My D brother told me once when I asked if he missed sex with a woman (not currently dating, abandonment issues, etc.) and being married. He said "Yes, but if I ever get married again it will be to a 65 year old or older woman because that generation did not quit their marriages." I know this is a big generalization...but I get the sense his fantasy life has changed since his D.

Man, if I knew in highschool what I knew now about what drives women to desire another man....I could have saved a lot of money on expensive sneakers and cool cars!

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:52 AM, October 17th (Thursday)]

HeartInADustpan posted 10/17/2013 06:54 AM

Interesting topic. I've got two answers. During my M to XWH#1, yes, there was one real, live man who I fantasized about for a lot of reasons everyone is mentioning. A man who was good, kind and loved me forever.

Since I've been with KB, not any real man. Hugh Jackman taking me on a date...yeah...a fantasy.

blakesteele posted 10/17/2013 06:56 AM

My active fantasy mind is one of the primary drivers for me to have a policy of no PM female SI members. It feels very good to me to have women notice me in an appreciative manner...and please, keep it up, but just do it on the public forums!

Hardwiring....yet another part of this complex journey. Lots to keep track of, isnt there?

Peace to us all.

AFrayedKnot posted 10/17/2013 07:03 AM

Absolutely...to be honest I was pretty ripe for an A myself for a couple years before Dday. I would like to think that if an opportunity arose I would have made the right decision but I am grateful I was never placed in that position.