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Newest Member: JackJimJose (60742)

User Topic: Meeting with a D lawyer...
♀ 38116
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It seems as though I have a remorseful spouse, now.
It took a lot to persuade him that what he did in fact is at least a EA.
I'm sure some PA happened - he had time and they were together but he has always insisted it was a "friendship" and nothing more.
My gut always told me there was more to the story.
I've never gotten a confession.
I'm fine. I'm done. I've tried to make it work for our daughter but I need more.
I need help. I'm meeting with a lawyer next week unknown to WH.
What do I ask? I want as much custody as possible and I live in a no fault state.
He's a great dad so I don't want to take time away from him but I also don't want our dd near the OW.
She's a piece of work. She's engaged and 17 years older than I and does not want to leave her BS.
I can not get over this. I have tried so so hard for our dd, but it's a deal breaker for me.

BS - 32
DDay 1: July 2012 - EA with COW
DDay 2: March 2015; same COW

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, pack your shit and get out.

Fool me twice, now what?!?!

Posts: 397 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ 32550
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I went the first time, I was told to bring 12 months worth of statements for all bank accounts, credit cards, assets, insurance policies, retirement, etc. What your monthly bills are. Also W2s from last year. This is important not only for financial disclosure in dividing assets, but in determining CS (and SS, if it applies in your state). They will ask you about how long you were married, how much both of you earn, etc and they should be able to run the numbers of a likely scenario of CS for you on the spot if you have all this info already.

They will also be able to tell you what is expected of custody. In my state, I was hoping for the dad gets every other weekend thing. Turns out my state prefers 50/50 and no less than 60/40 unless there are very dire circumstances to prevent it with lots of documentation to prove it. The only way to go otherwise was for dad to sign over parental rights.

Go in with what would be your ideal shared custody would be, and ask what you need to do to achieve that or as close as you can.

You will need to ask about what to do with your accounts before you file. Like if you need to pay off certain things, take half the joint money and put it in a new account, take pictures of assets, etc. You will need to ask if there are any factors in the timing of filing, like if you need to file first. Some states have a limit on how long you can know about adultery before claiming fault - I know that is not your case but there may be other things like financial infidelity that have time limits. You need to ask about legal separation, if there are waiting periods, etc.

BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1503 | Registered: Jun 2011
SI Staff
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
♀ 23890
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd say, hathnofury has it right. I brought the info and also went with a cheat sheet that totaled things like income, house equity/mortgage, pension plans, assets....

I asked for best case scenario and worse case, How many of atty's client - go to trial?

Each atty I spoke to said essentially the same thing - I went with the one who listened
and was willing to go for what I wanted (it was reasonable, just not traditional).

Sorry no minor children in my case....

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4432 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
♀ 27148
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Divorce is like dissolving a business.

The lawyer is not your was easy for me to forget that and start over-sharing.

I was terrified to make the call and go for the consultations. But after, I felt so much better. Knowledge is power.

Someone I once loved gave me/ a box full of darkness/ It took me years to understand/ That this, too, was a gift. - Mary Oliver

Posts: 4527 | Registered: Jan 2010
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's a great dad so I don't want to take time away from him but I also don't want our dd near the OW.
Gently, honey, the reality is that for the most part, you won't be able to control who your STBX brings around your DD when he has her. Sure, you can write "moral" clauses into your agreements, but the truth is that such clauses have no teeth - if they are broken, nothing happens.

Sending you strength for the journey ahead. ((((pewpewpew))))

You can call me NIK

And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane

Posts: 40180 | Registered: Aug 2011
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry.

This will seem more of a business deal than ending a marriage. It comes down to money, things and children. The legal system does not care who your WH brings around the kids.

Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!

Posts: 10722 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
♀ 33606
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had to fire my first lawyer. The second time around, I asked everyone I knew for suggestions. Then I met with several attorneys and asked them each at least a dozen questions.

I wish I could remember them all, but you should google Questions to Ask your Divorce Attorney. Or How to Find a Divorce Attorney or something like that.

Choosing a divorce attorney might be the most important decision of your life so you want to be very prepared for your meeting. In all, I met with five or six attorneys - none asked me to bring all the info listed in some of the posts below. You'll have months to collect it, though you'll want to bring basic info like salaries, lists of assets, debts, etc.

In a first meeting it's more important to make sure that YOU are choosing someone who you can afford, who is very experienced, who is responsive, and who you feel comfortable with. It's your time to ask questions. Questions should include: How long does it take you to return phone calls? Will I work with you or a junior associate or a paralegal? Ask about billing. Ask them about how many of their cases go to court. Ask about their style: collaborative?

Please google and do some research - this is one of the most important decisions you'll ever make. You'll want to ask about custody laws, obviously. Give some thought to how much time you and your STBX both currently spend with your child. Think of your perfect dream custody scenario and ask about it. That sort of thing. CC, SS, etc. Joint, legal, etc.

Posts: 1798 | Registered: Oct 2011
♀ 33606
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, I know several people in real life who have morality clauses, and their husbands actually follow them. Go figure! They don't bring their girlfriends around their children.

So it certainly can't hurt to pursue a morality clause, especially if you have a remorseful spouse who is a good dad. This is a great question for prospective attorneys.

Good luck!

Posts: 1798 | Registered: Oct 2011
Topic Posts: 9

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