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Will the real jackass please stand up?

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suckstobeme posted 10/16/2013 18:15 PM

I sometimes feel like saying that when exWH does something that I think is so completely out of character, particularly when it comes to parenting. Lately, it's like his judgement has been completely tossed out the window. Stupid, ignorant and ridiculous shit is either said or done when he has the kids and I have to stay two steps ahead to diffuse the situations.

It usually blows my mind because he was not a moron when he was with me. Sure, he had faults, but being a complete, bumbling idiot and a dip shit for a parent was not one of them.

I brought this up in IC and said that sometimes I feel like wrapping my hands around his neck, shaking him, and asking "do you need help? What the hell is wrong with you?"

IC said something very simple, but it clicked for whatever reason. She said, "he does nothing but play follow the leader. When he had you to lead him, he seemed okay. He's now picked the worst leader alive but because of who he is, that's who he follows."

It seems so simple but it's true. He's a chameleon and I have no idea who the real exWH is. All this time, I thought he had really changed. Now I'm starting to think he had no starting point of his own. He only morphs with the tide and owns no part of himself. He has no core. Just a ball of mush on the inside that does whatever he needs to survive in whatever environment he's in.

That was an aha moment for me. I've gone over a lot in my head since today's session, and lots of questions can be answered with that follow the leader quote.

caregiver9000 posted 10/16/2013 18:17 PM

Wow. That is worth thinking about.

Thanks for sharing.

Chrysalis123 posted 10/16/2013 18:44 PM

This is great insight. NPD-ft is like that as well. He imitates whomever, even so much as changes his voice and/or speech patterns to match.

GabyBaby posted 10/16/2013 18:54 PM

That sounds a lot like XWH as well. He changed a lot of his "likes" with the various OW he dated.
For example, the couch potato suddenly developed an interest in mountain biking, then just as suddenly went back to riding the couch. The next thing he was listening to Damien Rice and skipping over his formerly beloved Prince on the ipod.

Housefulloflove posted 10/16/2013 18:55 PM

It usually blows my mind because he was not a moron when he was with me. Sure, he had faults, but being a complete, bumbling idiot and a dip shit for a parent was not one of them.

I brought this up in IC and said that sometimes I feel like wrapping my hands around his neck, shaking him, and asking "do you need help? What the hell is wrong with you?"

IC said something very simple, but it clicked for whatever reason. She said, "he does nothing but play follow the leader. When he had you to lead him, he seemed okay. He's now picked the worst leader alive but because of who he is, that's who he follows."

Wow,can you thank your IC for me? That makes a lot of sense.

do you need help? What the hell is wrong with you?"
I've been asking myself the same questions because I'm amazed at how completely dysfunctional my ex has become.

How can someone that is so self-absorbed do so much damage to his life so quickly!? Only difference here is that my ex has no one to lead him right now (OW left damn near the same moment we separated) and he has been all over the place. I bet if a 12 year old was suddenly on their own with a steady paycheck, they would be managing their lives a lot better than my ex is managing his life right now.

woundedby2 posted 10/16/2013 19:06 PM

...he had no starting point of his own. He only morphs with the tide and owns no part of himself. He has no core. Just a ball of mush on the inside that does whatever he needs to survive in whatever environment he's in.

Yep. There's no "there" there.

These NPD-types are experts at mirroring. Very chameleon-like they are.

inconnu posted 10/16/2013 19:14 PM

he does nothing but play follow the leader. When he had you to lead him, he seemed okay. He's now picked the worst leader alive but because of who he is, that's who he follows."

I realized this about ex during the divorce. Sadly, even DS18 sees it. Son and I had a conversation about this several months ago.

tesla posted 10/16/2013 19:33 PM

I always thought it was interesting the ex-shat seemed to follow my lead in our marriage. He would then pass it off to others as if it originated with him.

He has no core personality. He mimics and mirrors. And yet, that blackhole at the center of his 'self' keeps eating at him. It drained the hell out of me.

What a shitty ass existence. Glad that we are away from that.

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