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Ever feel resentful of the many hours lost to their cheating?

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IDeserveMore posted 10/16/2013 18:33 PM

Well the title says hours but it's probably more like days or weeks.

It's been so consuming and I think of all the time spent:

worrying
crying
talking to family and friends
looking up articles
reading books
being on sites like this one
sitting up with insomnia
talking with the spouse
sitting in couples therapy
sitting staring off into space and daydreaming for a better life

Oh, I'm so sad about it. It's been 9 years. I was 28 and 34 with the 2 DD. Now I'm 44. I'm just grieving how this has consumed me and all else I could have been doing. What a damn waste of my time and my youth.

[This message edited by IDeserveMore at 7:02 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

sisoon posted 10/16/2013 18:39 PM

For me, it's just all the time away that we should have spent together.

W gave me good reasons for being away, so I didn't resent it so much as it happened.

OldCow18 posted 10/16/2013 18:50 PM

EXTREMELY resentful!!! His 3 month PA took what will be a 2-5 year chunk out of our lives and we're only 4 months in. His selfishness changed the vibe of this house while my kids are at such a great age, this should have been happy happy busy times, instead? It's all I can do to function and get from A to B. I'm FURIOUS about this. The list of consequences from his A seems endless and the time spent on all the things you said? It's absurd that this is my life right now. UGH!

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 6:51 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

Jennifer99 posted 10/16/2013 18:52 PM

I did. Sort of. I thought of the year he was lost. I thought of the year he was rejected and depressed. I thought of this last year of him being present and me not really happy with that either.

Now I quit thinking about the past. I have learned my lessons. Who knows if he ever will. I'm just looking forward and enjoying the PRESENT.

mchercheur posted 10/16/2013 18:52 PM

How about time spent investigating?
Hours & hours trying to find out: who this person is who came into my life, uninvited, & violated me & my kids,
& whether or not WH is still involved with her.

Hours & hours that I could have given my kids.

heartache101 posted 10/16/2013 19:01 PM

Yes! I refuse to lose anymore time!

Drowninginitall posted 10/16/2013 19:01 PM

Yes x5 to all of the above. Our kids were/are at a great age for us to be putting our time and effort into enjoying every second. I feel like H robbed us of so many fun experiences because I sometimes feel like a lunatic just trying to hold on. So much wasted time...

IDeserveMore posted 10/16/2013 19:12 PM

Oh, yeah, thanks mchercheur. Forgot about all the investigating work. I feel pathetic about it now. But it was the only way to get info.

That was hours too. With spyware reports to view :)

My husband says I could work for the CIA. I say, thanks for making me that way.

I'd really rather be reading a book then doing all that crap.

iwillNOT posted 10/16/2013 19:14 PM

Yes! I resent all the time I am spending just to function and try to deal with this crap that he dumped into my life. It sucks that I have consequences for his stupid selfish choices.

Deanna posted 10/16/2013 19:30 PM

I was just thinking that four years ago today was the first time I suspected anything. I walked into a room and they were standing together too close for friends. I asked them, what the hell was going on. Anyway the rest as they say is history.
The point is that I still spend time on this site and I still think about his affair. I resent that I have spent an accumulative amount of about four months worth of eight hour days on this site. I have never had a better marriage but it comes at a high price. Thank you for your post, I needed to vent tonight.

ontheslope posted 10/16/2013 19:53 PM

Yes. Absolutely. Especially lately. 2 years of IC, much reading, hard conversations, the distance, the awkwardness.

I want my life back. With her or without her, I want my damned life back. But that time.... that time is lost. Never to be gotten back.

Sal1995 posted 10/16/2013 20:03 PM

Absolutely. It's time that's gone forever. Spilt milk as they say. It can never be recovered. So probably best not to worry about it because the past can never be recovered. It's sad, but so much of life is. We just have to move forward the best we can, whether that involves the WS or not.

maddmurph posted 10/16/2013 20:12 PM

I totally do. I'm still working through all of it and I'm annoyed of the amount of time I will continue to lose. I'm mostly resentful of the time she has lost with our children and that is putting my time with them at risk as well.

simplydevastated posted 10/16/2013 20:32 PM

Absolutely! I'm five years out and I've spent that time away from my kids and not being the mom they needed me to be. I can never get that time back. I don't know who I should be more upset with, him for doing all this garbage and not trying to fix anything and turning nasty or me for letting it all play out this way.

cantlivewithouth posted 10/16/2013 20:39 PM

At first I was resentful of the time, but now it's the money. He spent so much freakin' money on his whores. Money that I earned, but he spent. I have quite a bit of distance now and no kids with the POS XH.

kourt090 posted 10/16/2013 21:11 PM

What kills me is how much more he conversed with her than with me. If you were to compare the number of times he text her with the number of times he text me, our conversations were by far a mere FRACTION of theirs. That upset me. It upset me that he wouldn't carry on a conversation via text with me (we did that in the beginning of our relationship) but they could . . . of course, I wasn't in the habit of "sexting" him like she was . . . maybe that's the big difference . . .

Post DDay, I was angry about the fact that I have to live with HIS choice for the rest of my life. That is something I really beat into his head - he TOOK AWAY MY CHOICE of the type of marriage I wanted to be in, the type of man I wanted to be married to, the type of memories I wanted to have . . . he took that all away from me and in it's place gave me a liar, gave me a cheater, gave me a false idea of the type of marriage I had, gave me scars that will never disappear.

I was angry about how much time he wasted in our marriage by participating in an 8 month A, but then I was also angry at how much time I had to devote to healing. And he forced this on me.

[This message edited by kourt090 at 9:14 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

Dreamland posted 10/16/2013 21:21 PM

Everyone of you have said something is right on. It's so sad the hours minutes years.. And missing the person I was. I am not the mother or wife I should be. I am lost.

HeartInADustpan posted 10/16/2013 21:44 PM

Yes.

Nothing more to add.

LoveActually posted 10/16/2013 21:51 PM

Yes--that's a hard one to swallow for me. I've told him many times how angry I am that I have lost 4.5 years of my life so far trying to heal from something I had no say in, not to mention the fact that this affair will most likely have permanent daily space in my head for the rest of my life solely because of his selfish actions--that's one of the hardest things for me to accept still.

sad34 posted 10/16/2013 21:54 PM

It didn't just take time it took a part of me along with it that I will never get back. I'm worse not better:( my life feels destroyed!

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