"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

iwillNOT posted 10/16/2013 18:43 PM

So my WH and I had our first session today. We have both been in IC for more than a month.

The closer we got to the appointment time, the more stressed I started to feel . I was a wreck on the hour long drive. The session was mostly information gathering, just laying out the bare bones of history and events, but I found myself so emotional and upset. At one point I noticed the MC glancing at my hands, they were shaking like crazy, I felt like all my insides were shaking too. It felt so scary, so vulnerable to be there.

I am disturbed about what this means, if anything. I mean, we have made it through 9 weeks without me killing WH in his sleep, we have been making good progress on our own and together, we both feel more than ready for MC - why is this so upsetting for me? After we got home I was totally exhausted and just wanted to sleep.

I mean, holy cats, if I am this much of a wreck after one session where we didn't even get into the meat of things, how will I survive a "real" session?

I thought this would be a good thing but now I am discouraged...

[This message edited by iwillNOT at 6:44 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

IGaveItMyAll posted 10/16/2013 19:00 PM

Its normal. I was a nervous wreck on my first MC session. My first MC session was a day after I caught my WW in her affair. She claims she was going to tell me at MC. So my first session was horrible. She didn't want to be there and was full blown in her affair. Your 2nd DDay was only 2 months ago. You probably are just having crazy anxiety. Don't be discouraged. You will be fine.

iwillNOT posted 10/16/2013 23:23 PM

Thank you, IGaveItMyAll, I am trying to see it as maybe just the anxiety of the unknown. Truthfully I also think it might have a lot to do with the thought of really putting myself out there. I don't trust my husband and I am not fully committed to R, I feel like I am still watching him to make my choice on whether or not to try. I guess it is ambivalence and being scared.

Gr8Lady posted 10/16/2013 23:45 PM

3 Things to remember
You can do this
It is normal to have intense anxiety.
You have the murder fantasy (humor)

iwillNOT posted 10/16/2013 23:49 PM

Lol Gr8Lady, I will remember! A little humor never hurts

ItsaClimb posted 10/17/2013 00:37 AM

iwillNOT - you are not alone. I am a rather highly-strung person to begin with and I find going to MC quite gruelling. It's weird, initially I was always nervous, but now - depending on what we are talking about - I can be quite calm and relaxed and then 5 minutes later I am shaking, crying, sweating... falling to pieces right there!

I think the anxiety kicks in when the focus is on the things that really hurt me, that make me feel terribly vulnerable.

When I get really upset, I just remind myself, our MC has seen it ALL before. She is trained to deal with this stuff.

Hang in there, it will get better and you are not alone in this. {hugs}

iwillNOT posted 10/17/2013 14:44 PM

ItsAClimb, thank you. It's good to remember that my MC has seen it all before. No doubt she has seen much worse. And I realize that going to MC and working on my marriage will make me vulnerable, period. Not sure I could survive if there is another round of betrayal after this, if I have opened up and put myself out there in MC.

ItsaClimb posted 10/17/2013 15:20 PM

Not sure I could survive if there is another round of betrayal after this, if I have opened up and put myself out there in MC.

I feel the same way. For me to be so vulnerable, so publicly is huge. Huge, huge, huge.

mattg1958 posted 10/17/2013 17:14 PM

For me, I usually feel better getting all the crap out in the open. To me, it's important to get emotions out as keeping them inside causes them to fester and grow. That's the same advise I give to those grieving after a death. Like they say in the car commercials, you mileage may vary.