My WH and I had a good month in the 2 1/2 months since D-day, but in the last few weeks I'm just not so sure anymore. I didn't feel depressed anymore for a bit, but it inexplicably came back with a vengeance. Again I'm having trouble sleeping and finding the motivation to do things that I usually enjoy. This has translated into me being really annoyed with him all the time and feeling like he's not upholding the bargains I set in place when I allowed him to stay in our home.
One of those agreements was for him to support our family so that I can work only on the weekends and focus on school during the week. Even that agreement sets me up with no days off, but I'm committed to getting through with school ASAP so I've been willing to do it anyway. Now I'm looking for a second job that I can do in between classes because he chooses to not work as often as he could, and he spends money when he shouldn't. I know this is stuff couples go through even when infidelity hasn't tarnished those conflicts, but it's just kind of the icing on the cake.
Another thing is that recently he's been sneaking around using explorer (instead of our usual browser, chrome) in hopes that I wouldn't find the search history. Interestingly he hasn't been looking to stray, but rather at ways to motivate your wife to lose weight, and at advice forums for when you're no longer attracted to your wife because of her weight. The feelings I have about this are varying and complex. The first is that I'm righteously indignant. I'm not as small as I was before I had our son, but I don't think anyone would look at me and say I'm chubby. I'm not interested in getting any smaller to make him more attracted to me. He can fuck right off with that. He confessed to this activity on the internet (I had already discovered it, but he didn't know that) and said that he felt terrible and sick for sneaking around, and guilty for feeling the way he did. When he told me this I blatantly told him that if he's not attracted to me or thinks I need to change for him that this isn't going to work. He kind of freaked out and went to his parent's house to talk to them. This is also the first they had heard about the infidelity, but he also asked them for advice about this issue of attraction. He came back with a renewed interest in individual counseling, and a commitment to get over his hangups over my body. He says that he realizes that he has no right to criticize me, and that he should have respected me for carrying and raising our son instead of sneaking around to find ways to change me.
This revelation, similar to the one about infidelity, though to a lesser degree, puts a new filter in past interactions in our relationship. I'm now retroactively humiliated by every instance in which he's seen me naked. I also reflect on every time he's suggested that I work the gym into my schedule, go on a bike ride, or take a walk. He insists that this lack of attraction has only happened to him in recent weeks, but I can't help but feel that he's been trying to change me ever since I had a baby. "You used to have the body of a porn star, and now you don't," he says. Well no kidding, I made a human and my gut reflects it. Some women have babies and you can't tell by looking at them afterwards. Others bear the scars for life. I've come to terms with my new body, and actually feel I've earned the body of a mother. It would be super to look like I did when I was 27, pre-baby, but I probably never will again. I'm just happy to be healthy and active.
The news that he now finds me unattractive is also insult to injury because he started cheating while I was pregnant. It continued for 3 years until I caught him at the end of July. So pretty much all of his infidelity happened when my body went from "porn star" to "Mommy". Again, I feel righteously indignant.
Before I found his "my wife's too fat" search histories, I had spent a bad couple of days just hating him. I've gone so far as to consider another cheaper place for my son and I to live, work out a childcare schedule so that I can work and go to school, and even thought of asking my mom for financial help so I could at least get through this semester without him in my home. One day I almost came out of the kitchen to tell him to just leave, I'm through. Instead I sat on the chair to play a game with our son and he asked me if I'd been depressed lately. I said yes without a second's hesitation and thought to myself that maybe I should wait for the depression to pass before I make a forever decision about my marriage. The last few days just made everything worse, though. Now I know he's not attracted to me, and it's done nothing to make me happier in life or with him as a husband. I'm just mad now. I'd like to have a clear head to think about all of this, but what if he's making me so crazy I can't think straight?
