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Can you get the passion from the beginning back?

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IGaveItMyAll posted 10/16/2013 19:20 PM

After reading another post I am feeling like all these thoughts of getting this passion from the beginning of our relationship back and having this connected, intimate relationship once again is just a fantasy. Has anyone been able to do it? I told my WW what I wanted she said she wasn't sure its possible to get that back. I told her she has limiting beliefs. That you can create anything you desire. Starting to think that I am just setting myself up in this fantasy thats unattainable.

catlover50 posted 10/16/2013 19:31 PM

Oh yes you can!

Not just HB. Our sex life is better than ever; way better than the beginning. Last week we started in the garage after our dance class, then continued on the kitchen counter and living room rug!

The combination of emotional intimacy and really feeling safe with each other makes anything possible. Plus we both make time every day for the sensual and erotic-- shared baths with candlelight, lingering kisses, massages, love notes.

New never lasts; true intimacy grows.

standinghere posted 10/16/2013 19:35 PM

No, you can't, not in a healthy relationship.

Relationships mature, or they die.

Problem is that people don't understand this, think the relationship is dying, when it isn't, and then they have an affair....which has the feel at least of a lot of that passion rekindled, albeit in a destructive manner. Which is how the primary relationship dies in many cases, with the discovery of the affair. The reason the affair has happened is that, at least on the part of the person involved in the affair, the relationship has not grown up or matured in a constructive manner.

Does that mean that you can't be passionate? No.

It will be different.

It will not be like the beginning.

Nor should you try to make it like that, because that cannot last.

mchercheur posted 10/16/2013 19:36 PM

Yes

IGaveItMyAll posted 10/16/2013 19:36 PM

The combination of emotional intimacy and really feeling safe with each other makes anything possible. Plus we both make time every day for the sensual and erotic-- shared baths with candlelight, lingering kisses, massages, love notes.
Man I wish we were there. We are both in IC and MC. My WW keeps telling me to be patient se has a lot of healing and growth to do. (((Sigh)))

SisterMilkshake posted 10/16/2013 19:37 PM

Yes, I believe you can. The thing is, though, you have to make a conscious effort. It takes nourishing of your sensual, erotic side to keep that going.

we both make time every day for the sensual and erotic-- shared baths with candlelight, lingering kisses, massages, love notes.
Exactly what catlover says. Looks, touching, sexy/dirty talk, flirting with each other throughout the day. Long continuous foreplay.

topperoff22 posted 10/16/2013 19:41 PM

It will not be like the beginning.

Nor should you try to make it like that, because that cannot last.

It won't be...it will be better because you'll understand more about how to be a better spouse. i hope anyhow!

brokensmile322 posted 10/16/2013 19:47 PM

I agree. I don't think it is ever like the beginning again. And not because of the infidelity, but because that 'new love' feeling is temporary.

I think with true intimacy you can open yourself up and do things you would have never imagined with your partner. This is how it is with us, it was that way before the A too, we just lost our way.

It does take effort though. I now put in a lot of effort with my WH. I wasn't before. It's like he's my AP.... All that time and energy is spent on him and his on me.

silverhopes posted 10/16/2013 19:59 PM

This is something I've been analyzing lately. At this point, it has more to do with me than my H, with my expectations about romance.

For us, there was no "before the A". I know I've posted that a lot this week... helps it to sink in. He had wayward tendencies from the very beginning. There was never that period of being mutually head over heals for us, because he was busy chasing other girls at the same time, even after we'd already declared ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend. He was too busy batting his eyes at other girls. Too busy comparing me unfavorably to both exes and OWs to foster the "magic in love smoky mirror" thing (doesn't that sound so much like an affair? The specialness/mirroring at the beginning of a relationship). It continued through our pregnancy, engagement, first several months of marriage...

I find this interesting because, what does it say about my ideal of romance and relationships that I expected that "magic" time? Does it say that I was still looking for external validation? Does my kind of wishing we could have it mean I'm still learning how to not look for external validation and ego-stroking? Or does it mean I just want to have fun? Surely there are other ways of having fun than having that heady "in love" feeling with your spouse? I know that that feeling is important and most people experience it and it creates some of the best memories of their lives. But for those of us who are left, whose spouses NEVER felt or acted that way for us even if we did for them... How do we process it? What were our spouses getting from us if not that heady "in love" feeling?

We were talking about this in IC the other day. Can I accept the reality that our relationship may never have "butterflies" (both physically and mentally; 'physically' is a very long convoluted story)? There may be other things. He'll never have an idealized picture of me the way I did of him in the beginning. I adored him. He didn't reciprocate, and it's my fault for not walking away then.

If there will never be butterflies in your relationship, can you accept the other good parts about it? Acceptance first. What is reality? Is it about giving each other that special feeling, or is it about being a team? I'd like to think it can be both, but maybe that's not how it works.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 8:03 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

IGaveItMyAll posted 10/16/2013 20:13 PM

If there will never be butterflies in your relationship, can you accept the other good parts about it? Acceptance first. What is reality? Is it about giving each other that special feeling, or is it about being a team? I'd like to think it can be both, but maybe that's not how it works.

I know what you mean. My MC told me I needed to be patient whild she goes through IC. My WW tells me I need to be patient she is working on herself. I tend to focus on what is not there rather than what is. I think living in the present is better. I feel like i live in the fantasy of what I want my marriage to be like rather than be present to where it actually is and nurture its growth. I try to push it further along and faster than my WW can give me right now. I want her to go through her IC and I want the marriage I dream of. My biggest fear is she will never get there.

IGaveItMyAll posted 10/16/2013 20:15 PM

How much do you think having limiting beliefs affect intimacy? I told my WW that she can have whatever marriage she wants. We are capable of anything its just a matter of what she allows herself to believe.

breakingpoint posted 10/16/2013 20:33 PM

My BS and I are trying to R while separated. But we are still having sex, just in a different way. In the midst of the serious talk, IC, and MC, we send a few flirty texts and have some late night "visits".

I am hopeful we can fix what was broken, but its not for certain. But this could take a while....who wants to go months without getting lovin?

I guess I am just wondering if you could deal with the big stuff and manage to take a break and have some fun every now and then. Why wait til its perfect?

We look at this whole process, no matter the outcome. as a partnership. Even if we need to be coparents rather than married, we are a team in the process. Us against the issues, not one against the other. We married for a reason, so even in the middle of shit, a little "team-building" is good.

integritymatters posted 10/16/2013 21:04 PM

The passion of "discovery" in a new romantic relationship is grand. We've all here experienced it. Some of us many times depending on how many relationships we had before our spouse and for some of us, also how many relationships we've had since our spouse... Some of us have only experienced it once... with our spouse... No matter, we've ALL experienced the "twitterpatted" drug of "Beginning".... Funny thing about "beginning" is that "beginning" feels the same kind of good shit regardless whether it leads to something good or not.

The "passion" of "beginning" that leads to disaster feels pretty much the same as the "passion" of "beginning" that leads to something worthwhile, fullfilling and longterm.

The passion of beginning or "discovery" is certainly a huge human "high". Probably the desire for it is a big factor in infidelity as well.

BUT.... RE-DISCOVERY that's on a completly different platform. To loose yourself, loose your spouse, loose your children, loose your parents, loose your marriage, your family, your integrity, your dignity, your honour, etc. To loose some or all of these things and then to "RE-DISCOVER" them... Well that's something that "discovery" can't beat any day.

To "re-discover" blessings you already had but were too ignorant to realize or appreciate... from both ends of infidelity BS/WS... THAT'S a high that no "new" or beginning experience can match.

We aren't "R'd". We're still a work in progress. We don't have the "beginning" passion back, which I think is actually a good thing. But we do have a "passion". It's a different one. I think I like it. A lot.

It's different. It's more grateful. More appreciative. More respectful. More fullfilling. Dare I say, more real?

There is passion after infidelity. But it's more like love parents feel after a lost child is found than the joy of their birth.

bionicgal posted 10/16/2013 21:47 PM

Integrity matters. . . That was just wonderful. We just had our 18th anniversary, 4 months after dday, and I have felt a little crazy thinking many of the things you said. I don't feel like such a Pollyanna now. Thank you.

Offhispedestal posted 10/16/2013 22:35 PM

Yes it's possible. In the first few months I thought NOWAY. I would trigger with MOW during sex. Now I rarely ever think of MOW.
Also for me turning 40, something changed. I was aroused more often and this wasn't HB. HB was great, it was insane. But it calms down after a few months. We are closer, we know what we like. We take showers together everyday, something I was too shy most of the time. We cuddle a lot. I sleep nude , we like sexting. There are no sex schedules. We don't have a weekly quota either lol. It's either 4 -10 times a week. There is tons of passion. We laugh because each time we say "OMG this time was the freaking best!!"

It was difficult at first I won't lie. It was traumatic. I cried, I couldn't concentrate. At first I thought I didn't want to do anything that they did. But after some time I reclaimed that. If it's something I enjoyed, why the hell not. The mind movies were horrific. I got to the point if MOW popped in my head during sex, I would imagine myself laughing and kicking MOW in the face and out of my mind.
It's work. It takes a lot of communication and a WS who gets it

Offhispedestal posted 10/16/2013 22:38 PM

IgaveitmyAll:

Don't give up on that. Your last DDay was 08/2012? My H felt that way as well. In fact I found an old message from our child and him and him answering some tough questions. He replied " I'm giving it my all but I'm just not feeling it but I'm not giving up.

He would find it impossible to believe that he ever said that or felt that way

heartache101 posted 10/16/2013 22:59 PM

Yes
But it can be on an off. it is up to the couple.
Nurture it it thrives ignore it dies

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/17/2013 06:02 AM

I whole heartedly agree with bionicgal and integritymatters- and many others. And everyone has really explained it well.

We are still early in an the HB was great- but we are noticing changes. More intimate, more thoughtful, more relaxed- and all of this leads to some amazing things between us.
It will never be like it was, for me- but it is definitely discovering each other again- this time with honesty and true appreciation for what we share.
We have also started flirting, sexting, showering together- all of these are wonderful, intimate and shared experiences that are really helping us stay connected.
I think every couple is different, but overall, physically- it is better than ever.

Jewlz posted 1/6/2014 14:19 PM

I know I am replying to this months after the post but I just wanted to chime in that I also feel like this. I'm not sure jealous is the right word but I feel like I want what my WH and his AP had, that initial butterfly in love feeling. Even though it did end in disaster for them, he (they) got to experience it and I didn't.

integritymatters post, awesome, thanks. IGIMA, how have you come along with the passion since October?

SpotlessMind posted 1/6/2014 15:57 PM

My WH and I actually have much better intimacy now than we ever did. We were both crappy communicators earlier in the marriage, and both were somewhat afraid of being vulnerable. Now that everything has been stripped away and all that's left is honest communication and raw feelings, our sex life has improved a ton. We were both a bit reserved before--so now, sex is almost like a new beginning bc we are trying new things and opening up more about fantasies, role playing, dirty talk, etc.

Long story short---yes, it's possible and actually can be BETTER. And we still have a long haul to go in our R...but I think the possibility of how good our marriage can be makes the process a bit easier.

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