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User Topic: how should i handle this?
Alyssamd24
♀ 39005
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since DDay my MIL has understandably hated me...I have sat down with her and my FIL and apologized for my actions and for hurting their son, but I realize our relationship will never be the same.

The issue is that my relationship with my MIL is now entering my professional life...I just started my new job, which is a job that my MIL is part of....she works for a different company and has a different role; one that includes overseeing the company I work for. When I applied for this job I sent my resume to my now boss...and she sent it to the next person on the ladder who (I didn't realize it at the time) was my MIL. During the time I was waiting for an interview and then to start working my MIL and I never spoke about the job, though she did mention it to my BH.

Last week (my first week) my MIL showed up at my office for a routine check in to make sure everything is being done correctly.

After she left one of my new co-workers asked if I knew her (we have a unique last name) and I told her she is my MIL. the coworker began asking me about her, and I got the impression the coworker thought that A) I got the job just because of my MIL or B) I'm some kind of tattle tale who is going to report back everything to her.

I told the co worker my MIL didn't know I had applied there and then said that we don't get along.

So since then she keeps bringing up my MIL and has asked why she hates me so much. I did tell her my BH and I were separated recently and said that's part of the reason my MIL hates me.

So now that I am done babbling, how do I handle this situation w my very curious new coworker? I don't want to tell her the truth for so many reasons, but I'm also sick of the questions, and certainly don't want everyone to think I got the job cuz of my MIL!!!

Also I was talking with that coworker and another today, and the subject of infidelity came up (the other employee recently got divorced after discovering her husband's affairs). The co-worker who always questions me asked if my husband had cheated on me....I said no and left it at that.

How do others deal with the topic of infidelity when discussing it with new people?


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 911 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Alyssamd24
♀ 39005
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also I forgot to mention that the other coworker is dating the brother of one of the mother's (who is also one of my friends) at the daycare I just left. She knows about the A and why I left that job, so now I'm nervous she may mention something about it to her(my coworker).

I feel like even though I am trying to start over, it's just not going to happen


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 911 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
breakingpoint
♀ 40963
Member # 40963
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Say nothing more, and prove that you got the job because you rock.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Oct 2013
GraceRunner
♀ 39856
Member # 39856
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think you need to try to explain or prove anything to your new coworkers. Prove yourself by doing good work.

Slightly off-topic but there were some other things in your post that stood out to me. First, you keep saying your MIL hates you. Instead, why aren't you referring to her as the MIL whom you hurt? It feels like there is a subtle shift in blame or a slight victim mentality you have by repeatedly stating MIL hates you.

MIL is hurting, she is upset and worried about her son and grandchild. Saying that she hates you makes it sound like she is this evil person who enjoys holding grudges. It is a subtle phrasing and maybe I am reading too much into it. If so please disregard. I know you are owning the fallout from your actions. Just don't forget to show others some grace and mercy as they work on rebuilding their trust and love towards you.

The second thing is how you are hoping to start over but that may not happen if word gets out at your new job about your affair. I just wanted to share my experience with this as word DID get out to all of my family and friends and started floating around our small town.

Starting over for me wasn't just about doing new things, new jobs, getting away from AP, etc. It was about changing who I was on the inside. It was/is about becoming an honest and trustworthy person to myself and to others.

So, once word got out I felt very conflicted on how to handle it. I didn't want to fuel the gossip. But I didn't want to lie. What kind of a fresh start is it if you are lying about your past or hiding things? So when one of my close friends called and laughingly told me she heard this funny rumor about me and OM..... well, I had two options. I could have laughed it off and been snarky about ridiculous small town gossip. Anyone that knows me would have a hard time believing I would ever have an affair. Instead, I chose to be as honest as I could without encouraging gossip. I told my close friend the whole truth.

Bringing things to the light, rather than hiding them in the dark, is so much a better option for me now. My BH and I came to an agreement on how to handle it since he had the same concerns about gossip. Now, if I am ever asked about it I plan to say that I did get too close to OM and that it was very inappropriate and extremely hurtful to my BH and my family. Without giving specifics I can still own my actions, admit my faults to others, and use it as an opportunity to reiterate where my heart lies now.

[This message edited by GraceRunner at 12:08 AM, October 17th (Thursday)]


Me - FWW, 38
Him - BS, 42
Married 15 years
2 young daughters
4 month EA/PA, DDAY 10/12

Posts: 40 | Registered: Jul 2013
Alyssamd24
♀ 39005
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 4:35 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Grace,
That is a very good point about my MIL, one that I hadn't even considered so thank you for pointing it out. I see how it is a blame shift

And I do understand what you mean about being honest about the A in order to really change and start over. I have been honest and admitted my wrong doings to those close to me.....but since my new co workers dont know me, Im afraid if I am honest and say "I left my old job and was separated from my husband because I had an affair with a parent at the center" than I will instantly be judged and who knows, maybe lose this job also.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 911 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
SandAway
♀ 37775
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I left my old job and was separated from my husband because I had an affair with a parent at the center"

Personally, I do not think you should tell anyone you work with about your personal life. Keep it all professional. When coworkers start gossiping, simply step away.

When your coworker starts asking about the situation b/w you and your MIL, tell her it's personal and you want to keep your work relationship separate from your personal relationship - especially because she is family. Period. You owe her no further explanation.

And if she finds out about your A from her BF, then ask her to keep it private between the two of you. It is something that you and your BH/family are working through.


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
Alyssamd24
♀ 39005
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you sand away!! I agree. ..I understand why its good to be honest and to acknowledge what I did, but don't think I need to explain that to my coworkers.

And I dont think my friend will say anything to my coworker and have already asked her to keep it private


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 911 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
cliffside
♀ 38803
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think your co-worker is crossing some boundaries. Your relationship with your MIL is really none of her business. Your personal life is really no ones business, IMHO. I don't think you need to explain anything and just put your nose to the grind and focus on doing a great job.

I also agree your MIL needs time. What was your relationship like before the A?


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 270 | Registered: Mar 2013
knightsbff
♀ 36853
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with cliffside about boundary crossing.

This is a good opportunity for you to practice and develop healthy boundaries. Since I have been thinking about boundaries I've recognized that I have been in workplaces where boundaries are non existent in most conversations and I have had jobs where conversations were friendly and colleagial while appropriate boundaries were observed. The workplace with boundaries was a lot more comfortable for everyone with a lot less drama.

You can set the example and keep your workplace professional and respectful.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1509 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Alyssamd24
♀ 39005
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Knight,

I dont think I have ever worked in a place where there have been healthy boundaries.....honestly I don't even think I would know what it looks like.

I have already noticed the drama and gossip that goes on in small businesses and have only been here two weeks!!

How do I avoid this and what do healthy work boundaries look like?


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 911 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
knightsbff
♀ 36853
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry it took me a bit. I answered in your other thread.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1509 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Topic Posts: 11

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